Loner's Memoir

Just to tell you I have moved..

2011-12-11T19:17:00.001+05:30

I have moved to a new place. Do click here....

Mum's advice and an unforgettable 'Thank you'

2011-09-11T18:58:00.003+05:30

This entry to my blog has come as a result of my procrastination coming to an end, at least for the time being. My mother told me something yesterday which got me thinking; she said “you must find a girl before all the good ones are taken”. I didn’t want to sound rhetorical and say ‘good girls’ are becoming extinct over here. To a certain extent there is an ounce of truth in what I say because its challenging to find these girls. I wonder if all the ‘good girls’ have formed a club and are in hiding, away from being visible to guys like us. Since the fasting month ended most Muslims are getting married at a rate. This month alone, I have attended 1 wedding, and 2 more to go both falling on the same day. That’s the calendar as of today, which may likely change in the coming days.

Another friend from school got married last week making the wedding a reunion of sorts because I met some batch mates after nearly 7 years. That wedding was a nice chance to catch up on old times and recall our immature decisions while we were in school. People have moved on to better things and each one is trying to do something with his life.

In my earlier post, I mentioned about this girl I met at a wedding. But after some research, analysis and help from her cousin, things didn’t look like it would work out in my favour. Then I blamed myself for stepping out of my self-imposed policy of not pursuing women. It just doesn’t seem to work out when I actively get involved to get a woman. I did experience a phase where a woman liked me, and even gifted me a tie for my birthday; then to realize one day I have been removed from her Facebook friends’ list. The only thing I could think at that moment was who would do a thing like that?!? It simply goes against a rational thought process existing within all humans. I didn’t go to add her back as a friend, instead minded my own business. I don’t know the reason why she did that to me since I was nice to her throughout, but I suppose these things are better left alone.

Bottom line- I’m attracted to ‘not like other women’ or those slightly beyond my league, and attractive to complex and complicated women.

That previous introspection sums up volumes about my past and current social status. Therefore, I have decided to take a passive stance regarding this topic. No more pursuing, no more showing of interest towards the opposite gender, no more being distracted- but all this is easier said than done!! I just hope things would be easier for me to follow my own policy.

Leaving that aside, I have some good news to state on my community service activities. I was able to recommend 3 students for scholarships to my second home- Malaysia. It was a really tough task finding students who met the criteria. The scholarships were primarily for those who could not afford higher education due to financial constraints. From 46 students who sat for an English placement test 10 were chosen, out of which 3 of them having been nominated by me. I say, compared to the overall selection I have done pretty well to get a sizeable percentage from the final selection. But more has to done in order to help the needy. Also, this year for Zakath Fitra, we managed to distribute the largest amount of packs- 30 in total. We were able to more than double the amount of packs given last year.

I was really touched when one of the boys who got the scholarship came home to thank me. I had never before felt so lifted by a simple “thank you” in my life. I think it was mainly because his gratitude came from the heart, and for me to feel it spread through my soul is the belief of not expecting gratitude for what I did. I firmly believe education with the right kind of exposure can change perceptions, perspectives, attitudes and even a person’s life, as it has mine. It only begs an opportunity to anyone who wants to change their lives; and I want to be that person who will be able to provide that opportunity.

In other news, people have begun to ask me when I will be getting married. This series of questions have been accelerating for some time now, and don’t know for how long I can act a little dodgy. For the time being a coy smile does it with some words like “not yet” or “still working on it”. But don’t you hate it when some people become insistent and want to solve it for you?!?

So, to all the good girls out there, pleases put your hands up!!

Got so many things to say!!

2011-07-17T00:24:00.003+05:30

Due to me not blogging for a long time, there are quite a number of things I have to say. Note to self- your level of procrastinating is deplorable, and you should be shot!! There's something about scolding myself which gives me a light boost. I want to be my own critic and over the years it has worked out quite well. It works a bit like this; I review most of the things I do over the week or month and try to come to a conclusion if its what I should've done. Anyway, since I got to say a lot I will do so by giving topics.

Itchy feelings
I had this sore throat and stomach pain; so, went to the doctor as usual and took a prescription. After taking the medicine, next day I started to itch on my back. The itching was like someone pricking you with pins. I didn't pay it much attention and instead used some prickly-heat powder as a temporary solution. It was not helping with the itch and days later I went again to my family doctor. As he read out the drugs given to me before, I realised by the names that something was wrong. I had not got a proper medicine from the pharmacy!! Instead of the correct medicine I had been given a double dose of another drug.

After a blood test (to confirm it wasn't dengue) and another meeting with my doctor (this time taking all my medicine for him to inspect) at which time he called and blasted the pharmacist, I was reassured the itch would "just go away". After that episode, I went to the pharmacy and blasted the pharmacist again, which lead to the manager refunding my money. It was my first act as a disgusted customer that went quite well. My doctor was wrong about the itch, hence I went to consult a dermatologist who game a cream and a soap-free wash. Now, thank God, the itch is not there!!

The plan to jump ship
The account I'm working for is not doing that good in terms of profitability and earnings. Last year, the account ended with a loss and despite it everyone got a 10% increment with a month's bonus. I didn't get all of that because I was still on my 6 month probation. This year too, it looks like we will end with a loss. So much for my upward mobility, huh?!? Its very obvious that promotions would definitely not come my way while in this business unit. The most bewildering thing is, how did managers of my business unit let losses accumulate year after year?! And didn't they see signs of the business going south?

So...the plan is pretty simple really. Wait until I complete a year and then jump to somewhere good. Maybe to another company altogether or to another division of the same company. I have begun to make plans slowly by asking around and trying to get connections of important people for this task. 'What you know' will bring you to some extent in your career, but 'whom you know' can really make it zoom to the top.

A deliberate invitation
I got news from MB that one of out mutual friends were getting married after having returned to SL. I had lost touch with this chap, so I called his house and spoke to him in a 'kinda of' harsh way about not telling me about his wedding. At this stage, I was not expecting to be invited for the wedding. My policy is this- if you invite me I will definitely come; if you don't, then no worries. I think he decided to invite me out of sheer embarrassment in the way I made him feel- period. If not, why on earth would someone post a wedding invitation in SL?! With an unreliable postal service, any man posting a wedding invitation must be off his rocker.

Anyway, putting all that aside, I went for the Nikah (though I got the invite on the eve of the function) and the Waleema. Here's the best part- all of my other friends had been invited for dinner at his house after the nikah and I wasn't. In accordance with my policy I didn't go to the dinner even though my friends told me to come.

It looks like a lot of friends are set to get hitched this year. And also the question of "when is your wedding?" will be asked by a million people, no doubt about that. I just hope I can make it through this year without losing my cool every time someone asks me that.

Malay kahwin (wedding)
I was invited to a wedding of a relative in 5 star style so the whole family attended 'all dressed up'. To me, there was a lot of extravagance in the wedding- a band, liquor (totally haram), professional dancers (Astaghfirullah!!), dancing floor etc. I was sad to see how our Malays were just spending money without knowing its true value. I was invited from the groom's side at the last minute because I think some people cancelled. Yes, its true how pathetic it has become because I get invited only if someone rejects an invite. An 'ouch' type of scenario indeed!!

On the other hand, there were a lot of people I knew at the wedding- aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, work colleagues, guys from my school alumni and blah blah blah. I was introduced a girl by a friend, who was her cousin; and I must say she is quite pretty. I came back home and somewhat did a stalking operation of her on facebook. I know what your thinking, but I couldn't help it. Alas, he profile can be viewed only by friends!! The only upside for me was seeing a lot of women, which was a good change compared to my boring routine. I'm quite keen to find out about this girl since my friend informed that her cousin is single. I wondered if it was possible for women these days to be single?!? Guess I was wrong. My assumption through past experience- every girl you think you like is most likely taken, and to a great extent this has turned out to be true.

Well, I suppose that's it. But let's see how this story develops, and I will call her 'Wedding Girl' (since I met her at a wedding, and obviously can't use her name in my blog). I have not thought of an approach in this regard- whether to be proactive or passive. I just told my friend to put in a good word for me with her cousin, so lets see what happens...

So...what's happening with you?!?

2011-06-12T22:01:00.003+05:30

The sentence "what's happening with you?" is making me feel slightly out of my comfort zone all because it deals with your status- hitched, engaged, or going to marry. This is the time where all your friends are jumping on to the marriage wagon, and facebook is flooded with wedding pics. To make things more aggravating my friends parents are asking the same question too, but in this case questions are more probing; its like they want to know the reason why I'm still single. Question mentioned before may use many synonyms, but the intended meaning is the same.

It's the same for MB (Mamma's Boy) as well since his sister will get married end of this year. Last week at his cousins wedding both his uncle and dad had sat with him at the same table talking about marriage for over an hour. It his words that entire hour was "very awkward" because girls or women were never a topic which was discussed before. Every time he meets some relatives they always say without failing "you're next!!" Obviously, MB will get married and have kids even before I even think about marriage. In my case things are not that simple either.

It has been 7 months since I started working, and I have a long way to go. Marriage is a huge commitment and it takes a lot of courage to begin with. At this point in time I'm in no place to take on responsibility of another since my own issues remain unresolved. I know that you cant wait for everything to fall in place to get married. But having a decent paycheck that could support 2 people would surely help. It is like demand being incomplete without the ability to pay for you want.

Other matter is, finding a good girl is so hard these days!! Looks like all the 'good' women are taken. I wonder if there are women out there saying "shit... where have all the good men gone to?" and feeling appalled with the current situation. Wouldn't it be great if those girls and guys like me could meet up?!

I could only wonder...

Bradby 2011- The Shield that was never Royal's

2011-06-11T21:36:00.002+05:30

The Royal sports complex was the epicentre of school's rugby today with the Bradby 2nd leg to be played in the evening. Having a front row seat was beyond exciting because its far removed from the congestion experienced in the standing tiers on the other side of the ground. Incidentally, the Bradby was my first match of the season (after this it will be the last) as a live spectator. Previous Royal matches had to be sacrificed due to study commitments with classes falling on weekends.

In a nutshell, nothing went Royal's way which to many was quite hard to handle. Here is a team that beat Trinity in Kandy 2 weeks ago when branded as 'under dogs', not to mention getting off to a flying start from the kickoff. Early in the game Royal fluffed 2 penalty kicks (both within kicking range), which to me was not a good sign. The game plan would be to apply early pressure on the rival team and increase the 8 point lead from the 1st leg. Instead, all I saw was Trinity calling the shots and Royal being more reactive as opposed to playing offensive. Even in offensive play after the 3rd or 4th phase Royal was unable to maintain possession of the ball which stalled momentum considerably. Credit is due to Trinity forwards who kept the Royal forwards in check all the time without giving them any room to break through their defenses. To me, the Trinity captain stood out both in attack and defense; he was able to draw at least 2 defenders every time when engaging the Royal defense. This enabled Trinity to capitalise greatly in having extra men to run the ball. Royal's game plan of playing with their forwards hardly worked in their favour because each time the forwards went for hits they were running into brick walls.

The Trinity three-quarters were a scintillating lot with amazing running displays; every time the backs made a move they were able to punch holes in the Royal defense. Trinity backs had powerful running displays, and were resolute in their defense as well. In the entire match, I would have seen the Royal backs work their line not more than 10 times. And there were moments when the backs had no clue what to do after getting the ball. Better yet, the Royal forwards walk up to line-outs and jump for the ball (and mind you, its something not even the All Black do) without being able to reclaim it. Losing to Trinity in Colombo gives an impression that Royal's victory up in Kandy was a stroke of luck- like Royal were the 'lucky' team that day. The 40-5 margin speaks volumes of how much Trinity has worked towards winning the Bradby after the 32-25 loss 2 weeks prior to this.

I fear the Royal team needs to re-think its strategy in many ways. In all honesty, it was a heart breaking day to be a Royal supporter, but this all part and parcel of life. I hope others won't be too critical in their evaluation of today's match- after all they are still school boys. I refuse to single out any Royal player for not being up to par, since rugby is a team game, and both victory and defeat needs to be absorbed by every player of the team equally. I hope the Royal team will take this defeat constructively and move on, because the league title is still within reach- maybe all is not lost, not yet anyway.

On the brighter side (apart from having to see Royal lose), the stands were packed with people not to mention the female supporters of both schools. Its nice to see ladies coming to watch a rugby match!! I need to get me one of them ladies' (like they are displayed in shops and are up for sale)- LOL! Also, I get a complimentary souvenir since I happened to be a past editor of the Bradby souvenir, not to forget my name being included in it as well. I suppose for me its a consolation end of the day. Hats off to Trinity because they were worthy winners today and I'm sure the entire team is above cloud 9 at this moment.

6 Months After...

2011-06-07T21:17:00.002+05:30

Well, for starters the title of this post can very well be used for a movie. It would resonate a romantic/comedic chord with people who hear it. It has been ages sine my last post, and blogging became a victim of pressure faced through work and professional studies. Looking ahead, I'm happy to get back to blogging and write my thoughts of a virtual diary. One interesting thing I noticed is that my number of followers have grown to 7!! I think a round of applause and a pat on the back should do it for me.

Today, I sat for an exam after 2 years since leaving uni, that too, my first professional exam. Exams of this nature are quite perplexing because you can't gauge your status before doing the paper. Back in uni before sitting for final exams I would always know where I stood, and how much I needed to score to get an A or A-. I hate to say it but not having carry marks gives you a certain level of uncertainty and insecurity. Surprisingly, I didn't feel an intense level of pressure as I used to when sitting for uni exams. Maybe it was because I didn't have a much content to memorize since the exam was based on a case.

I did feel slightly nauseous as always before sitting for exams; its something that I have been unsuccessful in overcoming. While getting ready to leave home I felt as if time had drifted back to Malaysia. All the routines I used to do back then are still vividly encapsulated within me. It's abnormally satisfying to recall certain moments of your life that made life worth living. Sitting for exams in Malaysia reinforced a belief that I could excel academically, while previously I couldn't. It was my main driver and motivator through uni, no doubt about that!!

Now back to Sri Lanka. Traveling a long way to the exam venue is not something I relish. Its to do a lot with taking 10 minutes to reach CAC in uni. Oh well... I suppose you can't have it all. En route to the exam my bus driver violated traffic rules and got a ticket as well. Yes folks, this only happens in Lanka!! I almost forgot- before leaving home it started to rain, and that reminded me of how people could make it to CAC from the hostels without getting wet. In a way, today was rather nostalgic with sprinkles of pre-exam jitters. The SLECC seemed quite a good venue to host an exam, but not so grand as the CAC, and halfway through the exam there was a power cut. And you have another 'only in Sri Lanka' moment (drum roll please)!! My right hand still hurts from all the writing because its just been so long since I wrote that much.

I have done 2 subjects and got another 2 to go which are only assignment submissions due in September. My only hope is I make through these two subjects since my exam record is still intact without any failures.

So...here's looking to get back to blogging then.

Self-absorbing Bus Rides & Elusiveness of Time

2011-04-03T21:54:00.003+05:30

Last week was quite eventful and not to mention very remorseful to me. One incident being a friend's brother dying in a high speed car crash while driving at 170 kmph along with 5 others on a windy road. This happened while going down south, and I'm told the driver and everyone else were under the influence of alcohol. Ripping at such lightening speeds the driver missed a turn and rammed right into a coconut tree which snapped in two on impact, and after that the car landed in a stream nearby. It had taken area residents about 45 min to get all the people out of the car; by looking at photos of the car it was totally smashed. The car was a brand new Benz S350 owned by the driver who happened to have a rich businessman dad. It was a sad state of affairs, but every action has its own equal and opposite reaction.

Last Saturday while having a small bite to eat near a road side shop before classes I noticed a couple under a shady tree having a carefree time. The shop I was in is near the beach situated on Marine Drive -a stretch of coastal road connecting a few important areas of Colombo, and famous for reckless driving- with a satisfactory view of the sea. If you cross the railway tracks the beach is only a few feet away. While munching on my snacks I observed (something I do very well) the behaviour and body language of the couple coming to a conclusion that both were in their own world oblivious to everything around them. At the same time I wondered what could they be talking about for such a long time?? And how do you sustain such a scenario? I guess I would never understand it until I'm in that situation too. The more I think relationship's are not for me, the more external factors seem to reinforce that theory!!

On a physical note, my right wrist is giving me some serious pain due to some strained veins. I have nothing else but to thank my office computer and mouse for this. I wonder if there are other factors to this also?! Basically, I cant rest my hand on a flat surface because the veins running near my wrist start to pain. The pain travels up my arm a little and dies away naturally, but the initial pain is somewhat unbearable. It's also the same when I write something. Under doctor's orders I've been told to wear a wrist guard accompanied by a gel I have to apply before wearing it. I just hope it gets better soon since my gym sessions are affected by this; not going to gym is a precaution I'm taking because the risks and consequences will be greater if there's an injury.

Going in the bus is quite enjoyable in the sense that you get to think and ponder about different things. I wish I had a car but since don't its better to enjoy what I already have. Plus, you get to see a wide cross-section of society in the many buses. I just look and observe at the various people in the bus and what they do; to me it's interesting in a quirky way.

So... there you are, at the moment I'm into observing people. Weird right?!?

When its too late to make things right...

2011-03-20T20:06:00.002+05:30

Its been awhile since I saw this screen, but I thought I should post something since I have some free time. Working 5 days a week and going for classes in the weekends are really sapping all of my energy, and not to mention time. I hardly do anything else than go to classes. Note to self- don't enroll for 4 subjects next time because it will really screw you. I don't mean that in a bad or detrimental way; its just that time management goes out the window. I honestly don't even have time for myself let alone others!! I underestimated about assignments for CIM, and it seems much harder. But I suppose that will make you work even harder to meet those standards and in the process have better exposure.

Things at home are quite not what I want it to be. Dad is losing control of my brother who although going to be 22 this year hardly acts his age. To make things worse mum does all the work and excuses him from almost all chores- some which I did at a very young age. Responsibility is something very lacking in him, and God knows how he will fix it. Whenever I ask him about something related to the house all he says is "I don't know". So, there is no point in asking him about anything!! On the other side, he's religious and can focus on anything if he wants to, but lacks practicality. I blame both my parents for how he has been brought up. Period.

Have you know a person studying for an exam not knowing when the exam will be held?!? Your guess is as good as mine..

I think when your the elder son parents seem to put more effort into training you in things they think are important. I remember running errands for mum since the time I was about 6 years old; that's because I was the other guy after dad. I didn't complain about it (maybe sometimes when I realised my brother was doing nothing) too much and instead did what I was told. In retrospect I liked being given responsibility because for some reason it made me feel good. I don't know if its in my genetics or not, but its a part of me. When it comes to the second son I think parents take it a bit easy. This is very relative depending on each family.

As a result of this some important things are still done by my parents and myself. I've tried to explain to him so many times but it has failed. He suddenly turns aggressive and verbally lashes out at people. He can't take criticism properly and always has something to say as an excuse; even recalling trivial incidents of the past which are quite insignificant to support his arguments. Obviously, it causes a lot of stress to both mum and dad because assurance of completing a task assigned to my brother is hardly ever guaranteed. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but at least I get the job done.

Halfway through school he changed tremendously and even changed his set of friends. Now, he is left with only a handful of people. There is this tendency where he can't tolerate people and their different behaviours. As a consequence, he would not associate such people even those who have been his school friends for a long time. People have said my brother and I are worlds apart. I admit, its very true. It has come to an extent where people known to both of us have asked me "what's wrong with your bro?" People in this list include mutual friends, uncles, aunties and other acquaintances.

To be very frank we don't even have a relationship that other siblings have with each other. Most of the time we end up fighting over some useless issue and get worked up over nothing. At times I'm a little envious of people who have good relationships with their brothers and sisters. Hey, I'm human after all ok!! To be really honest... we hardly ever talk to each other though living under the same roof. Sad as it may sound its the truth and I can't ignore it.

I've tried to reach out to him so many times and have failed in each attempt. Now, I don't want to try anymore. If it was a machine things would have ended much better, but how will it turn out for my brother?!?

Collage Thoughts

2011-02-27T02:02:00.003+05:30

There I was on a Friday evening after work with some colleagues around a table having a few drinks (in my case it was non-alcoholic). Work is starting to grow on me and the team is opening up to me gradually. I like this bunch of people, who are very informal even in formal settings. I might have to rethink my office policy on keeping things plainly official; because most things in life are shades of grey. The best in all of this is the bonding you get with your team, and its a good thing mine is quite small. My team is a total of 13 people (nothing unlucky about it) out of which 7 were accounted for around the table, which constitutes a majority.

I heard stories about how things were done about 5 years earlier, the hardships they went through, what's going wrong at office now, and so much more. But I must say this, though on the outside these chaps may not look suave, posh or even classy, they all have good hearts and intentions. It was evident from the way they spoke. I feel like I've found a team who will stick it out through thick and thin- come what may!! And I in turn plan not to disappoint and live up to expectations.

It seems that all of my friends are getting hitched one after the other like a chain of dominoes. Just a few weeks back I spoke to a friend who returned from abroad in order to start back home. During the conversation I joked about how he should get married soon; lo and behold he's getting engaged this Sunday. A string of others are planning to follow suit very soon. When I heard the news I was very happy for the chap who said "I was not expecting to get married either, but everything seemed to fit". I wonder how you arrive at the correct "fit"?

Its funny because first thing I told him after hearing the engagement was- "you bastard!!" It was slightly rhetorical and mostly a great deal of astonishment and slight shock. I mean, it was like a bolt of lightening- good think it doesn't strike the same place twice!! Finding someone is definitely a blessing, and for those who have I say "well done". Not to sound pessimistic, but this thought always comes to my mind- 'would I find that person who's the correct fit'? To start with, I don't even want to even start thinking about this because it has too many variables. At the moment, its best that I focus solely on my career, but even that's easier said than done.

Going down memory lane, my last highly emotional moment occurred at KL Sentral before coming home for good. I still remember that day to a great deal. Its like I wished to stall time much as I pleased, and like that was so realistic. By the end of it, I rushed to the washroom to wash my face because it was not going to act according to my rational thought process. Plus, I didn't want people to see me with near teary eyes, which looks weird on any man. Since that day I have grown slightly wiser in my approach; promising that I would never allow myself to end up in a situation such as this ever again.

I'm mature enough to understand that behind every action or occurrence there lies a fundamental reason or rationale. Its just that at times everything is so blurred that you can hardly see anything clearly.

I have so much to write, and why on earth is the time flying so fast!!

To my friend Z- I wish you a happy and beautiful married life, and may Allah bless you!!

To better beginnings..

2011-01-24T21:36:00.003+05:30

I started the new year on a very dull, yet significant note. I enrolled myself to do CIM as a professional qualification for the sake of career development. I thought it was about time I started doing it since these qualifications matter. Being exempted from the first stage was quite heartening, not to mention having a small cloud of insecurity hanging above my head. That insecurity came about from the unknown of what will come my way. Professional exams are not like academic degrees where you can just write anything and expect to get marks for it; if that is so, then no point doing it either. I realised from my first class itself that things were different- so it should be!!

I like going back to that studying mode, but this time with a challenge of balancing my work life as well. I'm taking all the subjects in stage 2 since I don't want to drag it too long. I'm determined to make it to managerial level within the next 3 years. I find my work interesting since its a completely different industry I'm in; one which I never thought I'll enter. The aspect of marketing applies in a whole different way here. I should also say that my employer is a sought after company having a superb image among the public. I gel quite well with my team members as well.

I should make it a point to blog more often since there are so many things I want to put into words. But time is not always available in my case. On a more startling note, I had apparently said something about Ms. X to cause some ripples even though I was not in Malaysia. Talk about a shocker! I had to do damage control and fast since my reputation was at stake. It's a good thing that I had very trustworthy friends in Malaysia to depend on from miles away. Plus, I cared what she thought of me as a person. I wouldn't have known any of it if I hadn't chatted with Ms. Psychic on fb after donkey's years. I wonder how all my girls are doing in Malaysia?!?

Hey girls, if you're reading this do holler back, ok :D tc

To start anew...

2011-01-10T22:13:00.002+05:30

Thank God 2010 is over since it was beyond doubt my worst year- ever!! So, here's looking forward to better things this year. Although, I'm 10 days late in making a virtual new years' wish, like they say "better late than never".

And I have a lot of things to say about the past 9 days. Well, lets start fresh tomorrow.

Parental Paranoia

2010-12-25T19:39:00.002+05:30

There are some things that just have the ability to shake you up to the core, and one such incident happened to me on Wednesday. That evening after coming home from work my parents said they wanted to talk to me. So, as usual I thought it had something to do with a house matter and casually sat down to talk. Then, dad asked me straight "Do you want to get married?", to which I was speechless for some seconds after which I replied "No".

Apparently, this reaction had taken effect due to a picture of me being printed in a magazine of a Sunday newspaper. In that picture a girl whom I knew had her arm on my shoulder. Just to clarify her arm was on my shoulder and not around it. This occurred a few months back, but looks like its vibrations have only reached me now. In my defense, there was nothing much I could do about the whole thing because it all happened within a matter of seconds. I was invited to an event by her and there she met a friend -working for the Sunday newspaper- who took the picture. It has in some way caused a multiplier effect which is not making me feel at ease.

The situation is getting quite intense over here. Also, I have no intention in staying quiet. It happens that I'm vulnerable to people who want to ensnare me into "compromising situations"- the name given to my newspaper fiasco. I told them in plain English that I couldn't help how others were in their ways, and as far as things go I'm only concerned of myself. I mean, I cant stop people from all the wrong things their doing now, can I? It so happens that mum wants to be careful of "scheming" women, and only God knows what that means.

I can't imagine how women can discriminate and be biased towards other women?!? Its something I'll never figure out.

One thing is clear, that being my mum is not in touch with reality. She said morality should be the same whatever the time period people live in. Although, I would like to agree on that idea its not the reality. Morality is such a skewed idea in this modern day that many people don't know right from wrong. My belief is that she thinks that my character is weak therefore, I might do something stupid or immature. I can't tell her things like I turned down a one-night stand a few years back, or that I'm very cautious most of the time. That would just escalate matters even further!!

**************

Yesterday, I went to a gathering of Malays in the outskirts of Colombo. I was invited... well, lets just say you have to buy a ticket. While staying in queue for the food I saw this girl who reminded me of the girls in my uni; her attire was such that I made a very fast association. Plus, I was inquisitive to know who it was. Then, lo and behold, after sometime I see her dancing with her friends with many gyrating moves. Being dumbstruck in such a situation is a definite understatement. A girl in a scarf dancing in public is just ironic at any level (this is not being sexist!!), but to add to it her family was watching from a distance.

All I could think was how could her family members approve such a behaviour? A scarf in her sense unfortunately didn't have the desired impact as it should have. It was only a piece of garment worn without knowing its deeper meaning to which I feel sorry for her, and more so her family members. She even did a solo performance on request by the compere which drew many eyes because this time the dance floor was brightly lit compared to before. I'm not saying that I'm better as a Muslim, its just that it was shocking to many people who were there as well.

At times like these, I think a woman without a scarf with better decorum would win in comparison as against this girl wearing the scarf.

End of story...

A Hush-Hush World

2010-12-19T21:19:00.003+05:30

My life at present revolves around work and constant thoughts as to how I can rise up the corporate ladder. It's important to absorb aspects that are within your job description while making sure your performance is up to par or above. You realise that throughout all these you deal with people who are very complicated in all aspects, and certainly not rational as theory states.

While returning from lunch with some guys of my team another group were outside the office premises discussing about a work related matter. We were invited to join in the conversation since it involved the entire team. Taking a risky decision is given the Sinhala term "bella thiyanawa" (roughly translated to sticking ones neck out), thus that issue was solved. Then the conversation switched to the demise of a co-worker's relative whose family information/background is a bit sordid. Due to its sensitive nature I have to leave a lot of it out. But I can say this, if ever a local segment of 'The Bold & the Beautiful' were to be made those material would make the list, definitely. The term "girlfriend" is also given women having affairs with married and/or divorced men. Well...the world ain't a rosy place after all. My supervisor got confused with trying to connect the link of a certain relationship, which another had to repeat a few times.

In technical terms I've never had 'real' relationship, because in my opinion a 3 month long-distance affair doesn't count. I also figured out why I have a liking for love stories which are very passionate and full of drama- its because I'm sure to a great extent of not experiencing such a situation. The highlight was breaking it off while on an IM session with the words "its not you, its me", which even to a novice like me was hard to accept. So, after that incident I've steered away from women given the exceptional incident of Ms.X that is now history. Ironically, I was quite angry with how things had turned out that I shut myself off from everything. It was a stupid move on my part, and blame cannot rest solely on her. Amidst all that happening I still managed to make the Dean's List that semester, how about that?!?

Why am I writing about an incident that is dead and buried? Its because I came across all the e-mails we wrote to each other yesterday in an old folder of my inbox while searching for a password. Its still there in that folder which I plan to delete soon as possible. In spite of what happened we still talk to each other, and she is set to get married as per her plan. I happened to be the casualty which would have made her plan not possible; that meant I had to go. Looking back now, I'm relieved of not having to worry about the pressure of an impending marriage coupled with family responsibility.

Guess things and events have a hidden wisdom that is unique to them...

30 Days Past...

2010-12-05T21:12:00.001+05:30

It has been a month since I began my new job, which is a completely different field to what I'm used to. Nevertheless, I find it very interesting and in any new thing there lies a learning experience. It gets quite hectic at times with having to meet certain deadlines that make you do long hours, but in comparison to my former job there are many supportive people. In considering group dynamics, my team consists mostly of those speaking Sinhala and fluency of the Queen's language is lacking, but it doesn't matter. They are a lively bunch all the time, full of life, laughter and smiles. I have no problem in terms of interacting with them since my language skills are quite good.

The culture and environment is unique in its own way, not to be outdone by the people who make it so. I'm still a rookie here, so its better to keep a low profile, not to mention having a cousin working in the same company. Only a handful of people know of this fact and I intend to keep it that way. One thing I realised is past Muslims who had been part of the team had not maintained a better precedent for those that would follow suit. Well, let's just stay that most "Muslims" were not so up to the mark as they should have been. Malays don't have a positive image amongst my team either. They think I'm Moor, which made it able to feel the pulse of those around me. I heard stories of Malays they knew who were into boozing, eating pork and every bad thing under the sun. At that point I didn't defend my race because to an extent its all true. Plus, I liked being thought a "Moor" giving me an advantage in trying to pick their brains.

Stereotypes are created easily when a small group of people is judged upon their actions, and then its framed on the entire community. I know its unfair, but what can you do? That's how the world works, sadly. I even had a lame fight with a person regarding this, and I was just dragged into it. I had no idea what all the fuss was about.

From today, emak is in hospital to undergo a minor surgery. It was only 4 days ago that my parents celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary. 26 years is like a major achievement in this modern day when most marriages crumble after a few years. I just hope everything goes well during the surgery, and she gets better soon.

I must also make effort to blog often, because its one of my ways to let things out. As times goes things would obviously become more hectic, complex and complicated. I just hope God will give me strength to carry on through all the trials ahead.

To start anew

2010-11-14T21:06:00.003+05:30

I started new beginning a week before completing a year after returning to my homeland isle. It was a significant incident for me because I could overcome my mental slump. It's true that I was not feeling so well, but things took a change for the better.

The company in which I started work is one of the highly reputed firms dealing in the apparel industry. Getting the job without using any influence is also very significant for me as well. Its not that I couldn't, but instead chose not to. So, things are kind of looking good so far.

My supervisor and team are very supportive; something that was not a factor at my previous work place. My first week was quite hectic and normally Friday's happen to the busiest (so much for TGIF!!). In spite of it, I find the work actually quite interesting since its not my usual discipline. I'm in a completely different industry to which I had some prior insecurities, but a week past things don't look so bad. The manager who interviewed me was from a rival school and told me how impressed he was with my CV. At the first interview he said "you just had me at hello!! And I like you"- talk about a morale booster. He also said "my only worry is how can we keep a person like you interested with us in time to come." I got the feeling that he was concerned of me leaving the company for a better offer. Despite that, he put faith in me for which I'm very grateful.

There is a sense of expectation and I'm very determined not to disappoint anyone. I have a lot to prove to myself that I'm up to anyone's expectations. My previous employement fiasco does nothing but haunt my memory.

Bottoms up to a new start!! :)

One Word Description

2010-10-23T23:43:00.003+05:30

If I were to describe myself in one word, at the moment, nothing would be far more true than what you see below..

Also, feel free to imagine my forehead engraved with the spellings, L-O-S-E-R!! Hell, I might as well wear a t-shirt and walk everywhere because it doesn't matter anymore. If I were another person looking at myself, I would definitely say "you suck!!" It's better telling it to yourself rather than having somebody else smack it in your face.

What's going on with me?

Well, it has been a year since I graduated, and I'm still not off the blocks. I was reminded of it when my mum made a remark of it in passing.

I'm hanging by less than a thread now, and not in high spirits at all.

I'm avoiding people and any social gathering because of fear; fear of being asked things like "so.. what are you doing now?" or "hey, which company are you in?" For an outgoing person I've turned a complete 360- meet people if its essential and get the hell out of there.

Dammit, I'm so sick and tired of repeating myself over and over and over again!!

I haven't shaved since my last interview (roughly more than 2 weeks ago), and got no intention of shaving anytime soon either. This beard on my face would probably make me unrecognisable to some, but that's ok with me. I just cant be that chatty right now.

Looking back at the past, it makes me wonder if all the things I did count for nothing. That means all of what I've done and achieved is merely hopeless. It is most definitely a bitter pill and swallow it I must.

All those times I pushed myself, thinking of better things to come, has not happened. Making sacrifices at this point sounds like rubbish.

They say you should have patients, but people should have also said when to kick it in the ass and give up. Its my fuckin' problem and I need to deal with it; thing is, I don't know how I'll change when I come out of it..

Weary Spirit

2010-10-11T11:59:00.003+05:30

As I lay on my bed last Saturday recovering from post-event exertion -something seldom after having left school- it felt good to have such a feeling. Aching feet, sore joints and worn-out muscles all encased by a cocoon of satisfaction!! Yes, it felt the same....feeling of a project successfully completed. The only difference being all the project members were old boys of school. But even then, there was no segregation just because you were younger; everyone was on a "machang" level. One thing you should remember (a cardinal rule) is a senior old boy can call you "machang", but it shouldn't happen the other way. Lets just say that it wont stand in your favour for long.

I was in charge of food at the event and we realised at lunch time that there is a shortfall. Reason for it was, we hadn't taken into account the participants from the Armed Forces. The schools got snacks while the Forces requested for rice. Talk about heart-burn!! After a few minutes of reckless panicking and heart palpitations I instructed the committee to order more rice packs- everything under control. Food is the most crucial and highly critiqued element at most events, and this was no exception. All in all, my duty was carried out efficiently and I made an impression with the senior old boys, that's good enough for me.

The day before this (Friday) as I was on my way to check preparations at school, a mother and two daughters boarded my bus. Soon after they were seated the trio started talking in Malay!! And I was just wide eyed trying not to stare at them, because it hit a sentimental note in me. Here we are trying to revive the local Malay language thinking people hardly use it, but some don't fall into that group. The trio being women were talking in slightly high pitched voices and all the others inside the bus were trying to figure out what these women were on about. I found it amusing, and for once didn't mind the high pitched tones. It was like an unexpected present.

People inside the bus were looking at each other, some with frowns on their faces which turned into expressions of giving-up later as they had no clue. I was sitting next to one of them, so I understood every word of it. It sort of had a cult feeling in the bus, because to them only they could understand it, and including me it was 4.

Looks like we have not lost all hope yet!! The tunnel is dark at present, but I'm certain we can at least see a streak of light at its end.

The Four Gentlemen

2010-10-04T21:38:00.006+05:30

Throughout my life until now I have seldom received many presents or gifts. But the term and definition of 'presents/gift' have a misconstrued meaning in my vocabulary which strays away from the norm. I consider all that I have on a daily basis as gifts, well, others reading this would assume that's the next best thing. I mean, gifts came my way rarely and I got used to not expecting it too. Emak always reminds me to think of those who don't even have what I do; that is very true in all aspects.

Having said that, whenever I did get a gift it has been very special or quite significant. And one such gift is "The Four Gentlemen' given to me by a lecturer -who said "you were a joy to teach"- at uni after my graduation. She told me to come to her office and handed me a box. Then she said "when I read about this gift and its qualities, it reminded me of you". As I read the card inside the box, the feeling that came about was similar to an erupting volcano. Having taken 2 courses with her (results being an 'A' and an 'A-'), I was one of her star pupils; wording it as 'star' does sound good!!

The card read: The Four Gentlemen

Chinese art and literature refer to the plum blossom, orchid, bamboo and chrysanthemum collectively as the Four Gentlemen; what are considered their distinct qualities are seen as traits of a gentleman or scholar.

The plum blossom, able to withstand the cold of winter, symbolizes perseverance, courage and willpower.

Admired for its beauty and fragrance, the orchid represents a perfect cultured individual.

Bamboo is pliant yet strong, alluding to resilience and humility, its tall stem seeming to represent the pursuit of excellence.

The chrysanthemum is said to personify simplicity, honesty and perfection.

The Four Gentleman collection pays tribute to these virtues and ideals.

End.

I came across the card in my attache case, and read it, then realised that I would need these qualities more than ever. These are trying times indeed!!

Inadequacy

2010-10-02T16:30:00.004+05:30

I have heard people saying some of the best things in life are free!! But you start to wonder what people consider as 'the best things in life'. I still can't put a finger on it, maybe I never will. To me, it hardly matters either. Objectively speaking I wish they never said such things. Because then you might try to not exert extra effort to actually procure what is best, wouldn't it?

At present, what I consider as 'best' is free- rain and darkness. It hardly costs me a cent. My fond fascination towards the dark is an acquired one after going abroad to study. I would switch off the lights in my cubicle and stare at the ceiling or out the window, for how long I knew not. I used that time to ponder, reflect and self-evaluate my thoughts and feelings towards all that concerned me. This exercise kept me out of harms way right throughout. I'm proud of it. I understood what lied within my control, and what not; majority of it was not in my control.

All that while I constantly kept thinking about one thing. When will things get better? Like all rational humans, who think of progressing in their standard of life, I was one of them.

I like the dark because it has no pretenses; its not a shape shifter, nor is it artificial. What you see is what you get!! Why can't the world and people be like this?

Last night as I thought in the dark my gaze ascended towards the ceiling fan, its blades spinning in tandem, and with my imagination there appeared a vapour screen. Have I told you of my excellent visualisation skills? Well, now you know. I have this weird yet satisfying ability to re-live the past inside my mind. I remember many things vividly which means recalling it is quite fast. I have gone back to school, uni, hostel and anywhere else by merely closing my eyes. Coming back to the vapour screen, I saw flashes of the past like in still-images that moved with the fan blades; never the same image twice. I wish there was an 'edit' button for many fell into that category, but now there's no point.

Dealing with the notion of being inadequate is very tough. You keep asking yourself over and over again the question- why me?!? If there be a way to rip it out and discard it in a dump, I'd gladly do it, but feelings had to be intangible!! Damn it.

Where do I go from here??

2010-09-30T23:38:00.001+05:30

It's a situation that has boomeranged on me numerous times. This situation, a feeling of utter disappointment and despair sticks to me like a leech. I had hopes of turning things around when I arrived back home. Despite these hopes and almost close to a year it is evident that I'm incapable of securing a job.

I wonder if I was too hopeful and overly optimistic in thinking once I land at home things would be ok. To be very honest things have not gone well at all. In some aspects I'm making progress like in terms of the youth group; that alone is not good enough. In short, my career has hardly taken flight, and how much more ominous can things get?

I've switched modes and moods completely since last week. This job hunting exercise with its diplomacy, contacts and applications are wearing me down. To be honest I HATE IT!! I'm quite the veteran in maintaining moods and composure, but since lately I thought- screw it. Why hide it? If I want to be down in the dumps let it be so; at times masking emotions is not worth the effort. I'm fed up of the question "so....tell me about yourself" together with all the related questions that go with it. I've talked so much about myself that I find myself boring!! I mean wouldn't you? For a very outward and talkative chap that's nothing beyond depressing. I can hardly work up the stamina or the enthusiasm like before.

I have not shaved in close to 3 weeks because I don't feel like doing so. Neither am I keen on doing any other of my routine activities like going to the gym, blogging etc. For once I don't want to feel like I'm in control of the situation, then again, was I ever. I look like some street bum when I leave home with the only exception of having better clothes and shoes on me. I have intention of shaving anytime soon either.

There's an alumni function next week in which I'm part of the organising committee and I'm debating whether I should shave?!? Should I give a dignified appearance or go 'au naturel' saying to hell with it all. The latter idea sounds appealing, and sort of rebellious. I went for the progress meeting yesterday with a full-grown beard looking like a family man (my baldness adds to the effect too).

To say this is a test of my patience would be right, but can anyone hold on to it for so long? I fear I'm ending the end of my rope. Obviously, there's a sense of fear and insecurity of how it will affect me, and how well I can react to it. As I write this, even my thought process is going wonky not allowing me to get my ideas right.

I'm stopping here....I just can't do it anymore. So much for blogging eh?

Licker’s Republic

2010-09-19T21:54:00.009+05:30

“Licker’s never change only Asses do”

– Sir John Kotelawala

Referring to our lovely island as a ‘Banana Republic’ should be done away with immediately because it has even gone beyond such a standard. To have realized that standards deteriorate quite fast is understandable given how events were unfolding, but I never expected it to go down a precipice. Administrators of this country have all shed their integrity, honour and shame for myopic gains, which I’m sure, will come to haunt them in this life time itself. Thus, I proclaim our land to be swarming with Licker’s: people who blindly support those in power in order to procure favours for themselves and their families, with little regard for what is just, and shamelessly justify their actions.

In all of this, who suffers the most? The ordinary man.

A murky past

Since the post-independence era most politicians have hijacked the sentiments and emotions of the people using it to further their own agenda. As a child of a politician, let’s get one thing clear- I HATE POLITICS. Gone are the days when politicians came forward with honest conviction to serve the state, alleviate people from the travesties of a bitter and harsh life; in a nutshell, to make a country a better place for all its citizens. Even though, I was not born then, the election campaign of S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike was a very cheap and communal minded one. I accept that Sinhala should be the national language, but I differ in terms of his methodology to execute it. I see it as a quick way to soften the hearts of the majority and get their votes. This incident, although small in nature caused a ripple effect in Sri Lanka, which lead to a communal uprising that lasted close to 30 years. I don’t blame the Tamils for being agitated, because suddenly they had to change everything in the blink of an eye, and that’s just not done. I admit Tamils had a right to make their voice heard, fight against the injustice caused; it however, will not justify them taking up arms and killing innocent people.

I wonder why S.W.R.D was killed by someone of his own race, and that too, a monk? S.W.R.D was a perfect opportunist. Born a Christian most of his life he converted to Buddhism because if not, who would vote for him to be PM? Let’s not kid ourselves since politics is far from egalitarian. Who you are, where you’re from, who you worship- it all matters!! I’ll tell you bluntly now that no Hindu, Muslim or Christian (even if he’s Sinhalese) will ever secure the top spot in this country; not even be Prime Minister as a consolation. The closest man to be offered (as far as I know) was the late M.H.M. Ashroff after the People’s Alliance (PA) lost the general election in 2000. If the SLMC had accepted, the PA could have formed a coalition government, instead Ashroff sided with the UNP; few months later his helicopter crashes into the mountain- you do the math.

How do I know such info? At that time, my father was one of the second-tier leaders of the SLMC; dubbed the ‘third force’ behind PA and UNP without whom a government couldn’t be formed by any single party.

On the trail

I have first-hand experience as to how campaigns are set in motion. I know areas within the Colombo District that are favourable towards each political party. I have been at election rallies and meetings organized to drum up support for candidates. At elections there is no language that exudes clarity like that of money. During the 90’s a candidate would supply food and drink to those who came to help him in his campaign. Later, other candidates started a culture of providing alcohol, drugs and whatever necessary to get the job done. Being a principled man my father did not endorse this new culture and neither did he allow it in his campaign. As time went on, candidates used people with tons of money to fund their campaigns promising them benefits once elected. Presently, the monies used at elections are mostly those gained by illegal activities, because no self-righteous man could possibly afford to spend (or rather waste) so much. To an extent even National List seats are given to some as a way of thanking them for their contribution to the party. Isn’t money politics such a whore?!?

Most often the deserving are not given their due place within the party. Frontline activists who sacrifice, toil and canvass the grass roots are recognized but seldom rewarded. But make no mistake that a loyal and good worker is forever called upon to support the party in any manner. That same fate came upon my father, and he decided to leave because there’s only so much of neglect a man can take.

Everyone for a ride

For decades politicos have toyed with the hopes and aspirations of the voters; promising things beyond the heavens which our gullible public have taken to hook, line and sinker! Now all that needs to be done is to show the illusion of these promised ‘carrots’ for people to salivate. Ignorance apart, I wonder how the common man lacks the slightest ounce of intelligence to compare and contrast the periods of rule of different governments.

At present people are swimming with the same current that started before the war. The current government keeps on harping on how they vanquished terrorism for which we, as a nation should be grateful. Am I to believe that because of this I’m indebted to vote for only one party from now on? I don’t think so. Eradicating threats faced by the people is the duty of the government, and why rulers are given the people’s mandate. I’m not prepared to pledge my endless loyalty come what may. Neither am I to say this endeavour could have been done by others. Time was on our side and so were the people willing to take a risk, and challenge external factors that hindered national interests and progress. For this all credit should go towards the government.

How to play the game

The incumbent president, being the politician that he is, has played this game with much finesse, poise and calculated strategy- kudos to him. Can anyone blame him for wanting to stay on in power? If thought rationally, once a person gets a taste of such power no one voluntarily relinquishes it. Also, there’s none powerful enough at the moment to scuttle his plans for greater power. They are all faithful to him at least for the time being.

Repercussions of the 18Amendment will be felt by future generations, while there’s no guarantee that who will be in power. If the past is anything to by, the present government will also lose favour because pretty soon everyone would become arrogant of their feats. It will lead to wide spread abuse and exploitation of everything under the sun. The people would become unhappy and agitated with the rulers kicking them out of power. It’s only a speculation, but time will tell.

Until a noble, fair and just society prevails.... God save us all!!

Celebrating Life!!

2010-09-13T22:32:00.004+05:30

Playing in my head- Hope for the hopeless by A Fine Frenzy

Ramadhan came and so it went, just like that, in the blink of an eye. I tried my best to come close with God during that time. I hope I've succeeded. Lebaran this time was very special in the sense that I was at home to celebrate it with my family after about 5 years. Ramadhan after 5 years of being away was quite inviting, of course there were things I missed, but overall it was ok- Alhamdulillah!! What I liked most was having 'kanji' for ifthar almost everyday, without beef the porridge wouldn't be complete either.

In my family we've been following a tradition ever since I can remember; on Eid day the men go to both burial grounds where our grandparents have been buried, and recite Sura Yaseen for them. Its done after prayers, and luckily over here mosques conduct prayers more than once. In the morning, the men make preparations to grill the satay- nothing like getting things fired up. Over here, no satay means, to me, lebaran is incomplete. Its like an essential part of the celebrations, which I really want to carry on in time to come. Wonder if Malay girls these days can make satay?!? It was a feeling of content throughout the day, felt very good.

Turning 25 is a big step, I suppose, because for one thing you've been alive so long. I remember a year ago I was thinking what I achieved, but nothing seemed to show or come to mind. And this time, I am jobless meaning its a down-grade comparing my 'employed' status of last year. Amidst all of this, hope flickers eternally within me thinking that good things take time. Patience son....it will come your way. In my family b'day parties are not the norm, rather its like any other day, its just that we go out for lunch or dinner. The only party I can remember is when being a year old (no.. memory is not that sharp!!), that too thanks to photos. But I always look forward to b'day wishes from family, and that is one of my expectations.

The theory behind expectations is that you shouldn't have any expectations. Period. I live by that rule and thus far it has served me well. I don't expect people to remember my b'day and wish me, because if I do that and they don't, I would be disappointed. That in turn would lead me to be judgemental about others for trivial things. So...I don't want that drama. A 130 b'day wishes on fb is quite satisfactory. But when it comes to others I make it a point to wish them on their special moments/days/achievements because I want to. Hey, I may not have any expectations, but it doesn't mean others don't. Neither do I expect presents from anyone either, nor am I the kind to reject it. I'm grateful to Allah for giving me this much, which in itself is a blessing. I try to be grateful for the little things I have and not be superficial or materialistic; certainly not good for the health.

Well...here you are, you crazy bugger. Happy b'day and come what may!!
It's going to be one heck of a ride....

A Package of Hope

2010-09-05T20:15:00.003+05:30

"You shall give the due alms to the relatives, the needy, the poor, and the travelling alien, but do not be excessive, extravagant.The extravagant are brethren of the devils, and the devil is unappreciative of his Lord. Even if you have to turn away from them, as you pursue the mercy of your Lord, you shall treat them in the nicest manner. You shall not keep your hand stingily tied to your neck, nor shall you foolishly open it up, lest you end up blamed and sorry." (Sura Isra: 26-29)

As the Holy month comes to an end, I together with a few from my youth group distributed Fitra packs today. We collected money from personal contacts and decided what we should include as its contents; most of it were dry rations essential for daily needs. Alhamdulillah, we collected money enough to make 15 packs. Although, we raised more money and made more packs this year, it to me, still feels not enough. What if we had started collecting money at the start of Ramadhan? Did we tap all the people we know? So many questions, but hardly any answers.

I've been elected numero-uno of a youth group -despite my reluctance, but optimism of others- with a non-existent membership, empty coffers, serious commitment issues....and the list goes on. I'm not saying that I'm the one whose going to save this youth group from a slow and timely decline, rather my task is to revive it. And we're dealing with Malay youth here....a bunch of people with no idea what they want as a community!! Hey, the truth is never sweet.

While on our distribution route I was taken to a Malay colony in the middle of a Sinhala-Buddhist settlement in Gothatuwa. There must have been around 20-30 houses mostly belonging to the low-income group. Their standard of living was very visible by the structures in which they lived: walls of cement blocks (bricks is more expensive), rickety roofs, unpainted walls etc. More surprisingly than anything else, these people had built their own Surau, and was told by the Moulavi who took us of their Iman & Ibadah. He also said the women-folk lacked knowledge on Islam to a great extent pointing out most would fast during their menses. The women unknowingly fast since its a part of Ibadah, thus they are not at fault because they don't know. Moulavi proposed that his wife is willing to teach them Islam, while he has books printed on various subjects in Sinhala and Tamil. Without a second thought I voiced my support for this project. Indeed, it would be a honour and a privilege to educate our women for which Allah will bless us. If we educate the women, then they will in turn educate their children also- a repetitive cycle.

I'm thankful for being exposed to such incidents though they may be random in nature. I realise even with the little that I think I have, how another might consider it to be more. Alhamdulillah, let me not whine and moan my shortcomings for surely there are those with more acute and severe shortages than me. Insha Allah, for Hajj I plan to do more for these people, which will require more resources. But I'm up for the challenge!!

Mr. Singleton

2010-08-21T14:38:00.001+05:30

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or Bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
~Shakespeare~

Last week I got to know that a friend of mine had called off his engagement, which was not shock by all his facebook updates I've been seeing. Prior to this news I met him at a funeral, and casually asked if he was ok to which he nodded his head. When a good friend of mine (lets call him D) confirmed the news the only thing that came to my mind was- thank God I'm single. As selfish and insensitive as it may sound, I couldn't think of having to deal with such a state, pick yourself up from it, and start over. That.... no doubt is a shitty deal!!

Don't get me wrong because I'm not against relationships, rather I'm for it, but with incidents such as these you tend to be wary of the pitfalls as well. Take me, the staunch 'relationship' supporter and counsellor of my mates, who encourages them to go for it. I've been there for MB during his difficult times, and made sure he got over the hurt and anger, not to mention the deception. Then I've lent my ear to many, listening to their issues and giving my honest opinion. Last week a friend (lets call him H) got into a relationship, and soon after it was sealed he told me the news. I was happy for him, as I'm always when any of my mates get hitched. Then he told me how this girl is everything he wanted and didn't want to lose her, that too, knowing he would have go abroad next year. I asked him if he thought she was worth all the effort and sacrifice to which he agreed. Then I said if that's the case, give it everything you've got since you've got nothing to lose.

By analysing my behaviour -a trait which I'm really good at- I've realised I ooze of optimism concerning my friends and their relationships, but not of mine. I give others motivational speeches while I'm easily pacified in my pursuits. It's not because I lack the courage or confidence, rather I factor in too many variables which impedes my goal. All that has never put me down in the dumps; I took it all good stead never whining, or cursing things I thought may have had a hand in my misfortunes. At times, the way I think even puzzles me- not kidding!! I seem to have created a whole new being, another behavioural pattern as a man who is risk averse to these issues. Applying the economic theory of 'high risk- high return' will not make things better. Or will it?!!?

Start of this year D and I met for a chat after ages because most of the time I had been abroad. D, being a Christian eats pork, but apart from it I swear to God he would be a better Muslim in comparison to some I know. We -D and I- are tuned to the same wavelength, so is MB though D and MB have never met. I've known D for a long time, him being a school mate, we have a lot in common; one of it, is the gentleman code. We devised it ourselves thinking to set a standard for our conduct in this mad and lawless relationship jungle. The calibre of it is so high that its assured we would never go astray. Some points in the code:

Never take another's lady at whatever the cost because its not honourable.
If the lady is already in a relationship, you shall not profess of your feelings to her; its not ethical (it means we'll not be doing a movie skit to get a girl).
If the lady is single, meaning unattached.. go for it. (D extends it to ex'es of other guys who he knows, and I kinda agree. Who wants to be compared?)
Treat ladies' with respect, but let them not take it for granted or exploit the courtesy.
No adultery, or anything unlawful decreed by divine law.

Basically, we're overly high-strung on chivalry for the 21 Century. During that conversation D confided how awry the local scene has become, and wondered if relationships at all were worth it. I did agree to some of what he had to say from my own experience.... and towards the end he told me something very startling; he said "I know this may sound as a surprise, but I haven't discounted a life of being single. I know I'll be a bloody lonely bugger...but I think I can handle it." At that time I dismissed his remarks as nonsense, told him to get over it (it was the optimistic me). Now... even I think he has some point. I do admit that at times I'm drawn to women and think how a relationship will turn out to be... alas, it lasts only minutes.

As the saying goes 'good guys finish last', so far it seems to be true. Even a girl tagged me on a post she published on facebook by the same title. I have no doubt that it shows, and very clearly too. For the moment I'm satisfied by comments from ladies' like "you're sweet", or "such a sweetheart" which gives a psychological smile.

Confession

2010-08-18T15:43:00.004+05:30

Yes folks, I've decided to come out of the closet and set the record straight. I know its not easy to muster your strength in order to relive ones past that still holds sway- and does so very strongly. It has been an essential part of my life both at home and abroad. I could survive without indulging in it for a few days, but a longer period is next to impossible. So... I've decided to say it.

I'm a hugga-holic: a person who cant fall sleep without hugging a pillow!! I wont fall asleep by hugging any pillow, rather I need my 'special' pillow specifically procured for that purpose. Now do you see the problem?

This sudden realisation hit me last night while on my bed trying to fall asleep. It was obvious that sleep would not embrace me in its arms with all the odd times I've been keeping lately. I also felt a sharp mismatch in my pillows- one under my head being too stiff, while other feeling too lumpy. I had not bothered to buy new pillows although, the idea did come to mind at certain intervals.

It all started as a toddler when my parents used to tuck a pillow under my arm (cant recall if it was right or left though), which continued throughout my childhood. I used to call it 'bantal peluk' and didn't sleep without, actually I don't think I could have either. It was a part of my growing up all these years. My attachment to it was so strong, believe it or not, I took it to Malaysia on my very first visit; alas, it didn't survive the entire overseas tenure.

Can you imagine a guy packing a pillow in a suitcase? Don't answer that question!!

While on my bed I thought if its a healthy thing to still have strong attachments to a pillow. After all, I'm an adult now and it may seem a bit weird. I even have issues as to the softness and texture of my 'huggy' pillow. Talk about weird!! Thank God I'm anonymous on the internet, or am I?!?

I could see some future problems looming in terms of a wife-pillow conflict. What if there's a tussle for supremacy and my future wife says "ok....its either me or the pillow?" Maybe she might say "hug me more or the pillow gets it!!" No doubt it would turn pretty intense, not to mention emotional for me.

But.... lets not worry about these trivial things because I plan to have wifey-pillow time table, which guarantees fairness at all times. I might be slightly biased towards the pillow then!!! :D

2 girls and Pizza Hut

2010-08-16T23:30:00.002+05:30

Last Tuesday (August 10) I and MB (Mama's Boy) set out on a dinner date with 2 Malaysian ladies to pizza hut. I will call these ladies Mushy and Rai; the former being a uni friend and the latter being Mushy's work colleague. They are in Lanka for a workshop hosted by the Central Bank which has invited representatives from other central banks in the region. The previous weekend we took the girls on a small tour of Colombo, introduced them local cuisine, and of course shopping. We decided on pizza hut because Mushy wanted to treat us for the tour plus it was her b'day(I love when women take me out on treats!!) and Rai got a vibe for pizza.

So we got there and the waiter came to take our order. After that, Rai got into a conversation with one of the waiters.

Rai: Hi, its my friends' b'day today!!
Waiter: Really!! What's her name?
Rai: Why you asking, are you interested?!?
Waiter: Maybe...
Rai: Wow.... you have such a nice smile.

By this time the waiter windup like a top had no idea what was going on. I was seated on the couch enjoying the show hoping for more action. I'm sure no girl would have given a direct compliment to him before while working. He came back with our first pizza and started another chat with mushy.

Waiter: So...what's your name?
Mushy: Its Mushy...
Waiter: Are you Sri Lankan?
Mushy: No, I'm Malaysian.
Waiter: That's too bad... (it showed in his face too). Today's your b'day, and how old are you? I think you're 14.
Mushy: Actually... I'm 13!!

While half way through our meal some of the lights in one section of the floor went out, then another section- suddenly the entire pizza hut was in darkness. I have no clue if women can sense surprises, but both gave a squeal simultaneously seconds after lights went off. In the darkness I saw a procession and the one in front of it yelled "ITS MUSHY'S B'DAY!!!" Right after that all hell broke loose with the 2 girls choosing to scream instead of squeal (even I screamed since no could see anything at all!!). About 4 guys came near our table with an ice cream sundae and a burning candle.

Needless to say, I and MB found this episode very thrilling, not to mention rather biased. I mean, let's be honest because there's no way a guy would get the same treatment. Drat!! Near our table the group sang 'happy b'day' to which I rendered my vocals in full volume. When the b'day segment finished Mushy was really in a 'mushy' state and somewhat emotional. Until we left the place we proved to be the loudest, camera-flashlight-addicted, and mostly waited upon customers. Mushy didn't forget to take pics with the crew who did the b'day surprise, and left a good tip too.

Before walking out of that place we pulled on the if-you-had-a-good-time-please-ring bell which caused a slight stir. I think most people were happy that we left since the place became calmer than before. It was absolutely crazy and for a moment felt like I was in M'sia, like time had warped me back to a place I knew, a place I wanted to come back to.

There you are folks.... the story of how 2 women rocked Colombo's pizza hut and made the entire male crew go ga-ga!!!

Hollow Heart...

2010-08-12T20:48:00.005+05:30

Ramadan is back and this time I'm at home after a lapse of 5 long years. Being at home in a way does feel good, but why do I miss the university life? When I was there, I longed to be home, and now that I'm here its hardly a reason to celebrate. Its safe to say that during the 5 years I changed a great deal both physically and mentally, the uni environment suckled me every day leaving a lasting impact. I was able to burn down certain impressions and barriers, broaden my horizons, soak up foreign exposure- for which I'll always be indebted.

The experience of Ramadan on foreign soil brings great memories, lasting ones you can't forget even if you wanted to. Mosque provides ifthar to anyone who comes, plus there are others who also do it privately. The best part in all of this is the mosque. I've never loved, or still continue love a mosque so much as this.

This love affair (if I could call it that) started when I first arrived as a fresher. My friends and I used to sleep in the mosque during late evenings after walking around the campus; we were explorers determined to discover new places in our uni. Sleeping in the mosque was a great thrill simply because its unheard of in Lanka, and you're not allowed either. One thing that made sleeping very pleasurable was the carpet covering the entire mosque floor, thickness of it was just right hence no pillow required, and also its surface texture very soothing to the skin. As time went by, I would frequent the mosque daily for prayers in congregation. Going there to pray kept my senses in check, helped me gather my thoughts, restrain myself from countless temptations- could I have asked for anything else?!?

And tarawih prayers -Allah bless those Imams- simply made my heart melt with their recitals. Each rakath used to take close to 7 or 8 min, but you know what, it hardly felt so taxing on the body. Being in that mosque, doing the prayers hardly felt like exerting effort. I doubt that I'll come across a Lankan mosque that would infuse me with such fervour. Neither will any local Imam recite the Quran with such beauty and melody. Standing next to someone you hardly know is common in prayer, that too if he's from another country, even a faraway continent. I've stood beside my brothers who came from all corners of the globe- and that I'm really proud of.

Food-wise, of course, I can't find half the things I used to. At the many canteens it was as if the world could be found on a single table. Choices were plenty and providers came from all parts of the globe- Arabs, Somali, Sudanese, European, Chinese, not to mention Malaysian and so much more.

I could go on, but words will surely fail me. Just one last thing before I end- I really miss you so so bad, now more than ever!! I long to see you again and pray in your shade. The day before leaving Malaysia (which was a Friday) after prayers I kissed one of the pillars, and whispered "goodbye, until I come again".

Until I come see you again....

Closure

2010-08-06T23:30:00.002+05:30

While chatting online to a recent acquaintance (I'll call her Ms. H) about Ms. X, I realised that I hadn't buried that chapter forever. So, this is going to be the end as far as my blog is concerned. I think that is a befitting end as any. I told Ms. H a few details but there was more; chatting on facebook is not an ideal way to carry out a conversation, if you know what I mean.

Eve of November 13 last year, I was getting ready to leave M'sia not knowing when I'd return. Circumstance were such that I didn't know if I ever would. There were no unfinished business except this- telling Ms. X that she was the one I liked. Debates raged inside of me if I should profess my affection, or hold my tongue and just leave. I let this question rage in my mind while carrying on with my packing, making sure not to leave anything behind. At the same time still-images of the times gone by kept flashing in my mind, it was like a film without a director. By midnight all had been done, all that was left was to get into a car and go to airport.

Then I decided- I'm going to say it, and come what may!!! Therefore, I most carefully typed out a sms and sent it to Ms. X in the wee hours of November 14. It read:
"Dear Ms. X, seeing you on Thursday was a vision. I had a pleasant time secretly wishing it not to end. If only time could be paused!! I have much to say but time was my enemy like always. A part of me feels hollow, dark and full of regret. The caverns of my heart are full of words but lack the outlets to let them out. If only things were different eh?!? God bless you always for a happy life. Feeamanillah and take care :)"

After that sms I felt my heart ease from a great burden. I also figured that she would be asleep and by the time she saw it I would be in Lanka. To my surprise she replied: "Salam Loner, you're talking funny!! If this is the effect of leaving Malaysia, I'm glad my country's made that kind of impact :) You have a safe flight and take care!!"

After reading this I had a feeling that she was mocking me. I mean, is it not obvious from my first sms that she understands that I like her? For a woman who got a first-class in law this was simply unacceptable; she even took 26 min to reply!! Having said that, it wasn't like I was expecting anything of a reply either. In the end, she having replied I was hardly satisfied with it.

Thus, I sent another reply:
"You're awake at this time!! Talking funny is not the effect of Malaysia rather your impact on me. Its rather complicated to explain through sms'. But I'm sure you're an intellectual woman who can piece it all together, or then again you can just choose to ignore it. I don't wish to change a thing!! Get some sleep X tomorrows another day."

Thereafter, no more sms' and I just went on my way. I, on purpose referred to her as X (the name used in my blog, which she used to read) so it may be clear as day. In the end, I think she got it!! And its just that she was not going to accept that a guy had told her of his feelings. Her friends, whom gave me wise counsel were right and I cherish their honesty for not filling me with false hope. Indeed, they knew my intentions as honourable and so they stood by me til the end. So, to Ms. Angel, Ms. Psychic, Ms. Hot and Ms. Model I say- thank you.

I think this entry should end with that song I kept playing many times over during those days. Let that song too be a part of my past too.

Living with a Drama Queen

2010-08-04T22:32:00.003+05:30

As instructed by the doctor yesterday, we again took my bro to the hospital, this time to the orthopedic clinic. First we had to be referred from the regular clinic and that hardly took long at all; the attendant who helped us yesterday came to the rescue (he was positive of a tip, obviously).

On the surface itself the hospital seems to be on a precipice of poor management and shoddy operational standards. Clusters of garbage visible on the bare land adjacent to the hospital which have not been removed. And that queue of patients -Oh My Heavenly God!!- is beyond prediction. If we had not jumped the queue (yes, you heard me) by giving life to that adage old saying 'desperate times call for desperate measures', consulting the doctor would have been out of the question. By 11am we made an appearance at the orthopedic clinic while numbers for patients will only be given by 1pm. Oh joy, how awesome is that?!?

I sat in line to get a number -just so you know blue numbers are for repeat patients while red's are for first timers- which I must say can become a heated affair. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but of the red's only 15 will be seen by the head doctor of the clinic. If you miss out, well... tough luck. I'm not joking. I got number 10 and played the waiting game.

While waiting, I observed people (observing I do all the time) who had come to another clinic. An argument broke out between a patient and an attendant, the reasons I know not; at that time I couldn't care less. Staff take you for granted, stingy to deliver proper service, often verbally insulted- in the end you leave cured. In private hospitals its the reciprocal, and when you get the bill then you start having palpitations. Funny world, no? It dawned on me as to why people rely on government hospitals- its because they have the best doctors for free. Very simple.

Hanging around a hospital is not the best way to spend a morning, and like I had any other choice. Bro was so insistent today to see the doctor, we thought better get it over with. If not his incessant whining would never cease, neither would he listen to advice mum tries to impart. In the end (after nearly 5 hours, mind you), it all turned out to be a muscular pain and nothing else. Even that diagnosis didn't satisfy my bro who vowed to prove him wrong.

And... that's all I'm sayin' :p

Chronic Sibling...

2010-08-03T21:31:00.004+05:30

My brother can be a tough character, at times (all the time) being stubborn, not heeding advice, hot tempered, impatient- the list is endless. He owns traits that would send a person up the wall, that is if you knew him well enough. I feel he lacks skills required to survive in this mad jungle due to him not being proactive; mum still has to be at him daily for everything. But whenever you try to impart some advice or wisdom he always acts smart, not to mention undermining all that's said.

Today, he suddenly made up his mind to rush to the hospital. It was an earlier injury that resurfaced. How? Only God knows. All he could say was when he woke up the pain was already there!!! Mum wanted him to lie on the bed and take rest until it healed, but as usual 'smarty pants' didn't want any of it. He was adamant about going to hospital, and if we couldn't accompany him, he was ready to go alone. In such a situation we thought it best to take him, God forbid if something were to happen. The injury occurred when playing rugby which doctors later rectified; it deals with the spine and hip not curving as it should at the left leg. So....off we went to hospital.

Kalubowila teaching hospital is a place to patronise in emergencies and if one has no other option. We had both pre-requisites thus, it hardly made any difference. Sickness hovers above the moment you enter the place, while attendants have to be physically brought to where you are for help. At the OPD (Out Patients Dept) the doctor advised we go to accident service due to its efficiency -but there's a catch, a patient should be taken within 24 hrs of the accident- and made us lie stating the pain occurred yesterday (in reality it was Saturday). I thought it quite nice of the man- not all are like him.

Technically, there was no 'accident' so treatment also was not warranted. Only then do personal contacts come in handy, out came a senior doctors' name and all was well. Prescription written for a x-ray took more a hour to materialise, it so happens that of the 3 x-ray machines only 1 is working. It goes to show neglect of the health sector which I'm sure is rampant in other government hospitals too. No wonder dengue is on a freak rampage killing everyone in site.

There was a kid who had put his hand into a washing machine. Looking at him mum said "good thing we didn't have one when you were little"- both of us had a small laugh. A school boy who had lost 2 lower teeth after being hit by an iron pole in a brawl. Both parents were at his side looking sad and worried, isn't it always the case? Millions of Lankan's rely on the public health service and standards should definitely improve. And this question begs an answer as to when it will actually be realised?!?

In the end, we brought him home since it was only a minor issue. Thank God for that!!!

Just Like Old Times...

2010-08-02T21:24:00.003+05:30

The last weekend was make of stuff that I had missed badly for about 5 years. What did I miss that much? A feeling of belonging.

It all began with a phone call to chase away my ever-present sleepy morning stupor last Friday. At present, my mornings are quite drawn out because I'm unemployed!! Yes, the story of my current life. Let's put that unfortunate predicament to another day. The guys who were organising the drama wanted help to man the venue: checking tickets, controlling the crowd, and most importantly creating an atmosphere conducive for the actors to act. Having acted before, you are aware of the dedication, discipline, commitment, and above all the 'heart' needed to bring life into a production. If that production be Shakespeare your task is even more challenging. Shakespeare although in English is another language; actors train (also strain) immensely to bring forth projection, articulation, to make viewers comprehend what its all about. It most certainly is not a cake walk!!

Without a second thought I agreed to help, if I didn't what's the use of being a former Royal dramatist? And the rest is history- Othello rocked Colombo to the magnitude no school had done before.

The best time for me came on Saturday after everyone had gathered on Mt.Lavinia beach to make merry. Bottles were on the table, guys were letting out puffs, the waves broke into a previously familiar rhythm, we were all under a hut lit by candles around one table. I was more than satisfied with coke on the rocks with an occasional puff- the puff being a 'social' thing, of course. After numerous 'shots' guys were blurting out stories of yore, and even presently unfolding scenarios. It was hearty laughs all round. As we went along with the flow, a guy commented on how diverse those seated around the table were. It hit people like lightening as all of us started to ponder; we comprised Royalists of 4 generations just sitting and having a bloody good laugh!!

Surprised?!? No shit..... so was I.

More I thought of it, the more intriguing it was. We transcend generations (age didn't even stand a chance), religions and races, who came together for a common purpose. We were people with varied interests, ideas, preferences, perceptions, tastes and the list will obviously go on; but looking around me it felt beautiful not to mention nostalgic and proud.

People are clueless as to why we act with passion towards our school. If explained.... some will understand, yet others never will. It is the camaraderie that makes us so.... a bond so strong and unbreakable that it lasts a lifetime. Years spent in College made us who we are, it moulded our characters, better yet.... boys were transformed into men!!

Laughing out LOUD!!!

2010-07-25T19:36:00.002+05:30

Whatever life brings forth, it would do you wonders to let it out with a laugh.

After arriving in the motherland late last year I've been catching up with people for all the lost time over the years. Last Friday, I was invited to dinner at a friends' house whom I had not seen in 6 years. Apart from myself a few other close friends were also there. One guy couldn't make it since he was on honeymoon, and didn't trust the rest enough to say where he is; he only gave a rough locale between two destinations- how about that for secrecy?.

A friend recently returned from Malaysia and couldn't to my irritation start talking how lovely it was. Although, it was fascinating to him I already knew the good, the bad, and the ugly about Malaysia. But in one question he succeeded in making my spirits sink- "how did you have the heart to leave Malaysia?" Then, I had to tell him in brief of what transpired reliving again a difficult part of my life.

It didn't take long to realise that I was the only guy with nothing to show for. Of course, looking back I have achievements, but there's no point resting on ones laurels. My school records are part of the past, my degree only a piece of paper and nothing more. You start thinking how all this came about, or what you did wrong, is it already too late?!? It seemed like others are moving ahead with life with plans to get married, starting a new business, taking over their dad's business and much more. And there I was... still unemployed!!

All those feelings soon passed when the guys started talking about school: the pranks, fights, punishments, ups and downs, and all those in between. The entirety of it was a laughing session which ceased to stop for hours; things kept on coming up from all the guys. As my sides started to ache I thought of the last time I laughed so loud and hard.

And you know what? I couldn't remember.....

The Old Boys' Club

2010-07-21T23:28:00.005+05:30

Most of you living in Sri Lanka -those who are guys anyway- would have a close affiliation to their former schools, one way of doing that is by joining the Old Boys' Club. Obviously, many schools refer to their alumni is various way like Old Boys' Group, Association, Union etc. Before leaving school to study abroad I had already obtained membership- life membership to be exact!! For 5 years nothing really happened and neither was I interested because academics were my priority. After coming back home I thought why not play an active role and see how I can contribute towards my Alma Mater.

Being part of the alumni in ones former school is like a tradition in many ways. Son follows the father in his footsteps and that's pretty much it. But there lies an unspoken loyalty amongst those of the alumni; loyalty transcending age, religion and race. During my school days I addressed any alumnus as "Sir", that being the rule taught to us by seniors. After joining the alumni you do that to people who are past their 50s or 60s. Here, its very important to know your place and not to step on peoples' toes, because you never know the amount of influence those have. On the other hand, members of this group are some of the imminent businessmen, politicians, doctors, lawyers, and others who are at the pinnacle of their fields; a definite plus point when concerned with networking.

I contested for the Old Boys' Council, and in my maiden attempt succeeded thanks to my age group, it was mainly due to me being one of the oldest in the group. Lobbying for votes from my juniors was hardly an effort since most of them willingly supported me. Henceforth, its a very long climb to the top, but hey, climbing is something I do quite well.

All by myself

2010-07-11T20:23:00.003+05:30

Doing things on my own did bring some form of independence in a way that's strangely indescribable. It stems from me being able to do what I want, rather than look for consensus like on most occasions. I, at the age of 24 (nearing 25) went to watch a movie alone, and the experience was quite good. I might even go to watch other movies alone in time to come. You might be wondering why this guy does it? Well, its quite simple because some of my friends don't like to watch some movies, especially Tamil or Sinhala. But, why should I deprive myself of NOT watching those movies? I mean, there's nothing wrong with it at all.

Surprisingly, I may have found a way to unwind on my own without needing to depend on someone else. I happened to be the only person to watch the movie alone, others had come with families and lets not forget all the lovey-dovey couples. An entire row was dedicated to me (seating was not an issue), no obtrusive distractions ahead, minimal noise; what more could you ask for? I've already started to think about the next film I'll watch alone.

Coming to the movie 'Suwanda Denuna Jeevithe' I should say is a decent attempt at bringing the Sinhala cimena to the fore. After years' of neglect due to many reasons (all of which I'm really not familiar to) local cinema is slowly and steadily getting to its feet. Script wise it hinges along the likes of 'Jab We Met' and 'Kanden Kadhalai' without diverting or trying to infuse a local element into the film. I do wish local artists would give room for originality and bring forth scripts dealing with contemporary issues affecting everyday Sri Lankans. Let's not be too critical too soon because all good things take time therefore, time will show the true potential of Sri Lanka, which I'm sure is capable of great heights given its history. Pooja Umashanker in my opinion is a great actress, and she having Sri Lankan roots should be considered a blessing. She has the whole package that is very much missing in most local actresses qualified to act in films: she can act and has won awards to prove it, dancing is not an issue, very lovable on screen and a definite crowd puller. That my dear friends is what you need to make super-duper movie!! Pooja would undoubtedly give all local actresses a run for their money without much effort, lets also hope competition encourages local lasses to up their ante. Songs in the film were refreshing with well thought of lyrics and melodies teaming up with popular local singers. An aspect that captivated me most is the location selection that is just beyond awesome. The locales were so good it made me wonder where they are and go there!! Seriously, I'm not joking. All in all, it was a good film.

Honestly, it feels nice coming back to blogging. Hmmm.... how about that?!?

Samosa Friday

2010-07-09T21:27:00.005+05:30

Things seem to be taking a turn for the better, meaning a flicker of light is bleakly visible beyond the tunnel- the tunnel of my unemployment. Looking back on events transpired, they to me, feel as though it was for the best. After being "kicked out" of my first job in Sri Lanka without a second chance, I realised not all people are into forgiveness. As for my line manager who made me quit, I wish nothing for her but the worst!! That does make me feel a bit better, somewhat. To a great extent having personal contacts becomes advantageous when applying for a job. Needless to say, I found out the hard way (I the idiot who thought people get jobs solely on merit) when going through interviews for a multinational involved in the dairy business. From "highly recommended" in the first round I went to being rejected after the second round; got called back again to the third round only be rejected once again. I had a justifiable reason to be pissed-off.

Enough was enough I thought, so to dad I went. He took a phone call to one of his friends and I had an interview. A job is pretty much assured, and now what remains is my designation and pay. In terms of pay I really shouldn't be picky because to be employed is more than a relief. Of course, naming the company is out of the question, then again, a career of bras & panties can't be all that bad, eh?!? I mean the market seems to be booming for lingerie and intimate clothing.

Since February I've had a lot of free time, correction.... too much free time!! But I wasn't jobless for the entire period due to having worked on assignment in March until about June. Having spare time on my hands, I could attend many events that eluded me while being abroad like the Royal-Thomian, both legs of the Bradby, the Royal parade et al. Meeting people whom you've not seen in 5 years definitely brings a cheer; one is because of the long absence, the other without doubt are changes in physique. Most of the chaps who were thin then are fat now, and the reversal has taken effect on those who were fat. I'm one of those who belong to the second category and the reviews have been quite flattering.

After prayers today I thought of having a small bite, so went to a shop and ate a few samosas. They were really good and I went a second time after like 10 min (didn't care if I ate lunch or not). The shop also had many types of sweets, which I promised myself I'd taste later. I'm making a resolution to be more consistent in my blogging from now on; enough of this lazy streak that keeps me tied down. Starting work soon would definitely give me more things to write about and how it affects my life.

16 all over again

2010-05-07T20:08:00.007+05:30

I had an invitation to Drama Comp last month -a privilege being a past president of the Interact Club- and attending such an event after a long absence got me all pumped up. No doubt I wanted to see how the club was able to maintain and improve on previous standards set, not to mention assessing the event as a whole. In a nutshell, the project has improved a great deal, but the black mark for me would be the compering. At some stages I felt like strangling both comperes- literally!! History was made for the first time when judges declared Ladies' College & Visakha as joint winners; best portrayal was not awarded either due to ensemble performances ruling the stage. After everything was over, there was this feeling I felt of being young again. It's not to say that I feel old presently, but you know what I'm saying right?

I made it a point to have a word with the staff advisor; to say how grateful I am that she is still with the club. I know very well the club's relationship with controversy that escalates every year. I thanked her for being there and offered my help in anyway possible.

Waiting for good job to come your way takes more than patience. I've been waiting since February with my constant prayers, not to forget the 'light at end of the tunnel' theory. I was interviewed by 2 companies: one a local conglomerate and the other a multinational. The former called me until the final selection rounds and will give me word next week. As for the MNC.... that's where I want to be!! But they are still at first stage selection with 2 more stages to go. Talk about being picky on selections, then again its expected. I'm anxiously waiting for a reply from the MNC for the second stage, and pretty sure of being selected for the conglomerate.

So.....God please help :D

Somwhere I belong

2010-04-25T19:16:00.000+05:30

I daresay its been such a long time since I blogged last. Many things did occur during the past few months, and all of it cannot be said, some are better not said. I even have 2 followers!! Surprise.... surprise!!! Honestly, when I saw it at first I didn't know how to take it, or how to feel. Why not just let it be?!?

At the moment Sri Lanka is not the ideal place if you're looking for a job; then again there's hardly anything ideal about it at all. No doubt there's God given natural beauty- pristine beaches, highlands and lowlands, wet and dry locales etc. But when it comes to the economy nothing is going the way it should. Basically, this small Indian Ocean isle is still screwed!! We have a Central Bank that conveniently conjures up stats and figures to show all is fine and dandy, but nothing is further from the truth. Now, every unemployed ass is running around like a headless chicken applying for jobs. Whether they are qualified for the job or not is a different issue; bottom line is, people need a job. I'm a desperado as well with the only exception being slightly selective as to where I apply.

I get a numbing feeling at times when looking around me thinking if I truly belong to this place? Many times it has made me realise that I don't. Maybe its because nothing is going my way, and I mean nothing!!

I got to know today morning that I hadn't qualified for the third round of a job by a leading local conglomerate. Question- ain't that a bitch?!? Pls don't answer that. Now, I have to pin my hopes on two others for which I was interviewed. Having nerves of steel is not good enough really; I need nerves of titanium. I'm just praying to God for something good, at least for the time being.

I really should resume blogging more frequently.....

So what if it’s a new year??

2010-01-09T15:10:00.001+05:30

I daresay this post is much awaited for my blog abundant with weedy virtual cobwebs. A lot has occurred since my previous post, the content of which I can’t recall instantly. It is a good thing that I’m not remotely popular or haven’t got a following. Only a handful of people know, and I can live with it; not to mention none are from the motherland.

First few weeks after my return, full of vigour and enthusiasm (all over again!!), I set about looking for an occupation. Many applications were sent to prospective employers with only a flicker of hope in things working out. All of which I applied for didn’t even get a reply saying I was rejected, that’s to put in a crude way- very sad. A school chum asked if I would like to do an internship at his company, saying well in advance that it would be only for 6 months. I agreed to it and sent my CV, then went for the interview and landed the job. On the up side my company is a multination, one of the biggest in the world, with over 20 brands in its portfolio. Later, after working there a few weeks, it was all too clear why their recruitment is so stringent. This place is set on absorbing only best talents in town- period. I’m not a permanent employee (not do they guarantee that you would ever be one), but just thinking about it gives me shivers because it’s a tall order.

Presently, my mindset is all geared towards learning and sharpening sponge-like tendencies in terms of gaining experience. I’ve realised that any academic degree merely gets you noticed to an extent depending which university it is from. Then comes the part about working experience that leaves me feeling qualification-wise partially naked. Hey, I like being my own critic, since it does wonders in making you face up to reality.

Corporates’ function in a way that can be quite over-whelming for a beginner; it certainly did not spare me. In the words of Charles Darwin, its survival of the fittest, and no one is an exception. Initially, I wondered if my life would be all about work devoid of having any real substance related to living a life that is full. The theory about work-life balance is load of bull-shit!! At the end of it, you have to choose work or life, and that is most certainly a tough call. As for me, who is merely on the tip of an iceberg, much needs to be sought to make that judgement call. So far, working life keeps my mind occupied while constantly thinking of the future.....my future.

Facing tough competition

Our local job seekers are quite unique having been influenced greatly by an outdated and redundant academic system. Of those who sit for A/Level exams only 4 percent are accorded with a university berth- need I say more? The remaining percentages of souls follow foreign degrees along with other professional courses for e.g. CIM, CIMA, ACCA etc. What it means is that I badly need a professional qualification.

Not a good start

On January 2^nd, mum fell ill and it was a reoccurrence of a condition we all hoped would not come about, but hoping is not good enough. If I were to describe the sickness, it’s a morphed state of dementia and hallucinations that go back and forth. She believes her life is in danger and some people are out to harm her, then the rest of us; at times she cries....tells us to be careful; suddenly she starts saying things that make no sense; shouts out from the window calling for help- and there’s a lot more.

I can’t bear to see her cry; then again I know it’s the sickness that’s making her cry. It’s nothing short of your beating heart being ripped out from the body. It started way back in 2001, since then this unstable psychological phase occurs in a cycle about 2 years apart. During the time I was abroad it happened once, and reassuring her I was safe took a lot of effort. Mind you, she didn’t believe it was me first time around and insisted she, herself, would dial my mobile number.

Lately, I fear things are taking a turn for the worst. Yesterday, she started to sing something impromptu making up words all on her own, there was another incident she told me to start being a good Muslim. It has not happened before, thus coming colour is not so good. These acts reminded me of my maternal granny who also went through something similar in her latter years. Granny’s condition leaned more towards losing her memory (a form of amnesia) of the present, and beginning to live in the past. Later, she forgot names of people and gradually faces making it harder for everyone to interact with her. In the final stages, she didn’t even know how to clean herself after passing faeces. Contrastingly, mum is living in the present, so I believe there is still hope.

Today, in the afternoon, she suddenly broke down and cried while in the kitchen, later rushing to her room. We asked why she was crying, but she refused to tell. It’s like everything we try to do in her interest ends up a failure. Dad found a tablet under her pillow, which means she has been skipping her medication.

I’m still getting used to many aspects of local life. Merely to say living abroad (in a country more developed than ones own) makes you complacent and quickly erase many difficult experiences of the past. Adapting to such an environment is so easy, although reverting back can be a bitch!!

Finding equilibrium

I don’t know all of this will end. How my mum would be cured of her illness, and I in pursuit of a better job and brighter future; also managing the pressure and expectations of my current job. Striking a balance is a conscientious decision that everyone need to arrive at; if not, life would not have value neither meaning. So, HELP ME GOD!!!

All in a days work

2009-11-30T19:14:00.003+05:30

At present, being 'temporarily' unemployed may be a sort of blessing in disguise. In one way I get to help around the house; by this it means I help mum. I never noticed it before, maybe I was not that observant, but she does all the work at home. It's really amazing to watch her juggle all the chores, look into whatever that is required by us (meaning dad, bro and I), have a mental inventory of supplies, and not to mention give a good scolding when you're out of line etc. I daresay, she would beat superwoman hands down!! Having said that, I'm sure she beat superwoman like about 20 years ago.

I have managed to pitch in whenever I'm needed; to lift heavy objects, run errands.... you know, its mostly heavy duty stuff. Then one day I took a bold move and started to do the dishes without warning. If I had asked to do them she would always say, no!! I think mothers don't like their sons in the kitchen. I wonder why? All of a sudden I went 'commando' and started with the dishes, later she came and told me stop; but like I was just going to drop everything and leave!! One of my policies, which I have adopted over the years is to finish whatever I start. Thus, I did all the dishes, and in return, as appreciation got a few kind words and a kiss.

My skills are being honed on many avenues, cutting beef is one of them. If you ignorant lot think cutting beef is a 'piece of cake', then I would tell you to think again. I was only given a tutorial that lasted a good 5-10 minutes, and after that, it was all me. Surprisingly, I kind of picked up on a few things mum taught me and successfully finished task. I guess it must have been my hidden culinary skills erupting like lava from a dormant chef-to-be soul. I'm not going to say that it was easy; what with having to cut layers of fat (mum has a zero policy on fat!!), then some skin, and what not. Let me make one thing clear- your mum is the most strict of supervisors you will ever come across.

There you have it folks, I'm somewhat of a butcher. Hmmm.... a new line of employment perhaps?!? .........NOT. Hajj was a challenge when it came to making a fire to barbecue satay. The local satay is hardly sweet, rather its kind of spicy. Usually, coconut shells are used to make the fire, alas, there were none. So, we resorted to coal not knowing how things would turn out. Coal took about an hour to really emit required heat in order to cook the satay, but in the end victory was ours!!

Although, its a bit late, Eid Mubarak to everyone!!

Going back in rewind

2009-11-21T23:15:00.005+05:30

It has been a week since landing in the golden shores of my motherland. One thing I must mention is that not a lot has changed. Among some of the significant things done by me include attending a friends wedding (though I can't remember the last time attending one at home), paying for a year long gym membership (got to stay in shape!!), and applying for jobs the very next day I landed. Thus far, there have not been any replies.

When I look back at my tenure in Malaysia, it is satisfying to know there is no unfinished business; even in the case of Ms. X. For once, my mind is clear and not in bits and pieces, neither does it wander aimlessly. Frankly, I did the right thing, so too, thought my 'panel' of advisers who have been by my side. The end result was as expected, but I took heart in a single aspect; I never had any expectations in the first place. As a start, my advisers were quite realistic regarding my pursuit, therefore gave me wise consultation. In the end, it all boils down to one thing- can you handle it?!? If that be a resounding and confident 'yes', then I would say good on you; but if one can't, that's too bad.

At present, I'm all about back-tracking, tuning myself to the local rhythm. Since I'm going to be here for quite sometime, I thought let's make the best of it. My statistics lecturer during my first sem in uni inquired as to who liked the subject, to which a few raised their hands. To the rest of the class he said this- "If you don't like statistics there's nothing much can be done, but LEARN to like it." I think that saying is quite apt given my scenario. I have optimism about one thing, and that is, somehow everything would work out, Insha Allah.

It will not be a cake walk because I realise there is a lot being expected from me. In my eyes I have to deliver, whatever the cost to myself. In the past years I learned about priorities the hard way!! First, in Malaysia, it was my studies and not a lot other activities. Now, its my family, and I have no intention of failing, it's not an option. I realise very well, after speaking to my parents what is expected of me, as the eldest child. Sacrifices by oneself have to be made because that's the only way to give priority to another, and it ain't gonna be easy.

My blog of late has been very depressing, that being my own opinion. What happened to that humorous, innuendo-prone, jovial man?!!? Answer to that one only rests in the hands of God. But I really do hope that man would pay me a visit and stay for a long time. I need that chap more than anything, or anyone right now; he is only person who can keep me going.

Blurry..... Cluttered.......and Confused

2009-11-07T09:03:00.005+05:30

As I woke up this morning something didn't feel right. My thoughts were all jumbled up and scattered; it took awhile to figure out what I should do next after waking up. Last night I ran after someone. That "someone" kept getting further away everytime I came closer and closer. Utterly frustrating as it sounds, the entire episode was played out in a subconscious state. It was one of those bouts where you are pulled into it a 100 percent with no room to escape. On the other hand, the entire incident to an extent was real. I hated to admit it, but somethings I just couldn't let go, and neither chuck it away to some cornet of my heart hoping it will gradually decompose. Honestly, it has never been this hard before; question is why now?!!?

I'm nearing the final corner of my marathon; a marathon that taught me many things about life, changed my perspectives, broadened my thinking, and reformed my soul to an extent. It was one of God's small mercies bestowed upon me, and hope I carried out my duty to the full.

Although, I advocate rational thinking and actions, there are times I wish they didn't exist. Fostering and nurturing my rational ideology has come at the cost of ignoring my feelings, or better yet, my heart!! I feel now that I should have said the things which I wanted to in the past. My cardiac pressure chamber has compressed a Himalaya of feelings without letting it all out; I cant afford to compress anymore. In the end people are subjected to circumstance and so many other factors that go along with it. What a bitch!!! I only want to say what I want and be done with it, but that's easier said than done.

Everything is coming into place: on Wednesday my programme at the NGO will finish, and Thursday will be my final day in office. I'm not sentimental about leaving the NGO, rather relieved. I've sent all my books and other stuff by cargo last week. Now its just to hop into the plan and wait for the take, and let's not forget the landing.

But I still can't forget that "someone" from my head..........

People of the circle

2009-10-27T08:28:00.003+05:30

Time just seems to whiz past you, never giving the chance to look back, and not even holding on to something for more than little while. Thus, convo came and it went without much hype, at least for me it did. My folks only left for home on Sunday afternoon after 2 weeks of holiday cum official visits. Dad met some of his old friends, not to mention official contacts too; alas, he couldn't meet an old acquaintance, the opposition leader because he was in the neighbouring country. If he had got an appointment I would have not missed out on the opportunity.

Convo was a great day for my parents without a doubt. The gleam and sparkle in their eyes was hard not to notice, and rightly so they deserved it. In an economic sense, I had delivered upon my word to strive for excellence; therefore, return on investment is positive. But sadly, I noticed so many others in my faculty had graduated with a normal degree. I say, c'mon!!! In my department there were only about 6 people above 3.5, and around 20-30 who were above 3 cgpa from a total of 120 odd students. Looking at the souvenir something didn't feel right, but I couldn't put a finger on it. Even though, I had no reason to jump for joy doing it for my parents was worth it.

Two weeks included taking my folks to see the sights and sounds of KL. Mum, it being her first visit to M'sia went on to ask me a million questions. She was surprised people are eating out a lot, and wanted to know why women don't cook? I'll narrate two incidents that made her come to this conclusion. We were invited on two separate occasions for dinner and each time mum thanked the lady of the house by saying "Thank you so much for preparing dinner, you must have gone through a lot of trouble." What she said is a common courtesy in the motherland practiced by almost all the women and men too. After mum had finished saying it, the reply was "It's not a big thing, we just bought food from the shop"; it happened twice. I also know that its not fair to generalise saying all women don't cook, because a certain minority are an exception to the norm. I think she felt a bit insulted by it, but never showed it, which was the right thing to do. Even if the food had been bought from outside, I was thinking why it had to be mentioned in the first place!!

A day before they departed, we had the most important talk of all. What I had in mind for the future?? We have family meetings, or 'shura' as we call it, when we have to discuss important issues. During that session we talked about issues related mostly to me and my future, and of course, my views were considered. After a while, we came to a consensus, that I should return home. I didn't object because since lately I've been wanting to return home as well. I have a feeling my folks need me there, and if not now, when?? I felt it when leaving my parents at the airport. As I embraced my dad for the third time, I felt him holding on for a few seconds more, and it was longer with mum.

It's time to return home........

What I really want now....

2009-10-11T07:47:00.000+05:30

This is it, the perfect graduation present anyone could give. I mean, just think to all the places the compass will point?!!? Now all I need is a good-hearted person who is willing to scour the globe and present it to me.

Getting it first hand....

2009-10-05T08:41:00.003+05:30

Last week, I was fortunate enough to to be part of a meeting with the Mayor of Gaza, actually the Mayor of Biet Lahia Municipality, one of the districts in Gaza. The experience, I tell you, was nothing like I imagined it would be. I didn't even know that he was coming to my office until the Palestinian working with us told me about it that morning. He is the second-in-command from Hamas in Gaza, which is obviously a very important position. We had to use an interpreter to exchange ideas and views, but that hardly dampened our spirits. He could speak English, which he did at certain instances, but chose to speak his mother tongue most of the time.

He came to our office in order to discuss a project we are planning to implement in Gaza, namely micro-financing, and to look into its viability given the prevailing context. One thing people should know- Gaza is still not stable. According to information, Gaza is under 24 hour surveillance from satellites and unmanned drones flying over their skies. They are being watched every day, every minute of their lives!! The wall surrounding Gaza is not of mere concrete, its been installed with sophisticated weaponry; come within less than 400m of it and sensors trigger a firing mechanism that will shoot to kill. Artificial intelligence cannot differentiate between an attacker, and someone who is innocent. Everything should be bought from the Israeli's, thus those in Gaza pay a premium for almost everything. To overcome this problem people living in Gaza have dug tunnels from their homes, more than 3000 of them which can even reach Egypt. Through these tunnels they smuggle anything and everything.

The mayor's quote about the women of Gaza: we depend on our women, they are as strong as our men. Masha Allah!! When I heard him utter those words, I felt so grateful for the people of Palestine, because Allah has blessed them even in harsh times. Indeed, women can be such a source of strength in difficult times, when all hope seems lost, all options have been exhausted. Let their tender touch, soft words and encouragement invigorate and rejuvenate those fighting to free Palestine.

Hold me and never let go

2009-09-28T08:59:00.006+05:30

Post-traumatic notions have somewhat been lifted to an extent after the dreadful incident, although I still wish it all ahd been a bad dream. Upon further inspection, my friend had lost some USD and S'pore Dollars, and I, my only watch. We're trying to put all behind us now, but there is a constant sense of fear in our house. It's because we couldn't for sure figure out how the thief got in, and the only logical explanation is from the ceiling since there was no break-in. At times the tension becomes all too comical. Like yesterday night, after returning from an aimless gallivant I realised my friend (the third guy) had a knife stashed next to him. I only saw it when I went behind him because his posture -leaning fully stretched on the floor- covered all visibility of the object. Both of us inquired why and he said he had heard noise and kept the knife near him as a precaution. The way he said it made as roar for a good 5 to 7 minutes. Amidst many bad phases throughout the years, the three of us have managed to laugh too. How about that?!!?

The one person that gave me heart through all this was mum. During a video call my entire face was drooping to the floor, not to mention wrinkled and stressed out. She spoke to me in her usual tone, all calm and collected, full of advice. She told me not to look so sad and to smile because it made her son look good. Then she messaged me Holy verses, here's one of them: We will surely test you through some fear, hunger, and loss of money, lives, and crops. Give good news to the steadfast (2:155). At that time, I wished she was near me to rest my head on her lap, and just take comfort in her words thinking everything will be ok. Her words mean a lot to me, especially when she's the only one who keeps 3 men close together. She understands us, knows how we behave, what to say at any given time, our likes and dislikes, plus a whole lot more. She told that I'm a good listener than my brother who has little time to listen, and quite outgoing (the latter is true, but not sure about the former one). What she said to me 5 years ago before coming to M'sia still ring in my ears; she sat next to me and while patting my head whispered "I know you haven't done well in your studies in school, but I always believe that you can do better....because I have faith in you." Those words kept me going through uni, through rain and shine, lifting my sagging spirits from time to time. God bless my mum because she makes me be a better man. She knows just what to say, and to have that ability is nothing short of a psychic.

Convo is around the corner, but I don't feel like jumping for joy, or should I?!? All of my recent entries must be sounding bloody ominous, right?? I just want to get the whole thing over with since its considered an important milestone in ones life. My parents are flying in, so that itself proves how big a deal it really is. Currently, I'm re-evaluating all of my future moves due to a few pressing matters back home. I have no intention of idling away doing nothing, life is too short for all that. Insha Allah, I will have a clear picture after convo, after a thorough discussion with mum and dad. Until then, I can only wait.

How much worse can it really get?!!?

2009-09-19T12:54:00.004+05:30

The past 24 hours has been the worst in my life on foreign soil. Yesterday, around 10.40pm I got a call from my roomie with the news of our house being burgled. The thief had taken my office laptop and my friends' digital camera. I thought at first it was some sort of a hoax, but then it was not so. It a matter of seconds everything went from happy to depressed. I was in a cheery mood coming to my relatives house in JB after a night of shopping, not to mention getting a hair-cut with a very relaxing massage. Raya was very intoxicating, thus I was already high with the festive mood. After a phone call with my boss this afternoon, who queried why I kept my laptop at home; he further went to say even he doesn't keep valuable things in his house. What kind of bullshit is that?? If you can't keep valuables in your house, then where else?? One thing is for sure though, money for the laptop will come out of my pocket.

As related by my friend, there were no signs of forced entry, everything looked the same as they had left it before leaving the place. Upon their return nothing was out of place except for the missing laptop, digital camera, and a ransacked suitcase belonging to my roomie who lost the camera. All suspect that the thief would have descended from the ceiling because there is no other way of entering the apartment. Height would be around 8-9ft from ceiling to floor, which means the thief is very agile in scaling such heights. The best part is even the police couldn't figure out how the thief got in!!! Talk about effective crime fighting, eh?

I could hardly sleep a wink last night, only sleep deprivation forced shut my eyes after Subah prayers. That entire time I was thinking how to fix this situation, better yet, why does shitty occurrences like this seem to revolve around me?? On Thursday -the day I was to arrive in JB- I left home 2 hours ahead of my departure time, but still missed the bus. Traffic from Chow Kit to Masjid Jamek was crawling at a snails pace, add to that the stupid decisions drivers make when stuck in a jam which exacerbated the whole situation. I had 30min to make it from Pudu to Bukit Jalil, and how wrong I was in my estimation since the bus driver took 15min out of that to fill the bloody bus. Finally, nearing Bukit Jalil it started to pour like that area previously had a drought and this rain would bring it back to life. Wet and thoroughly soaked, I made it to my designated bus terminal only to find out the best buss is in another hour. Hearing that I felt a bit happy because, obviously who wouldn't?!!? But nothing works out like its supposed to, so I actually got on board around 7.30pm after buying food for ifthar, that too, I had to make a second trip in the rain. This is my most eventful balik kampung so far!!

In the end, I was happy that I at least got a seat in another bus and got to JB safety. From hereon it was all going to a jolly time. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG!!!

I have been constantly and consistently tested by God since my graduation like never before. I took everything in good stride, not even doubting for a moment the infinite wisdom of God. Oh my Merciful Lord, I am holding on by a thread, this is becoming too much to bear. I kept on looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but instead of seeing the light only darkness prevails. I need to be optimistic, I know that, then again when bad luck keeps on kicking your ass there has be a time-out. God, forgive me what I'm going to do now.

I curse the thief who stole from my friend and I because we never took what belonged to others. I curse you with every ounce of hurt that lingers in my heart. I hope you lose all that you have and more, accumulated from all those you have stolen from previously.

Oooiiii......come back here!!!

2009-09-15T09:41:00.001+05:30

On the eve of my b'day, I was looking forward to doing a full 20 rakaths for taraweeh and sleeping for the night at the 'garden' mosque. One thing I like is that the 'garden' mosque cannot be equalled by another in terms of recitation. But my friends had other ideas like going to a friends apartment in Jalan Ipoh. I had to give in because they were all in agreement, thus after 8 rakaths we left the mosque. Nothing much happened that night except for talking about a few random things. I was startled when all the guys trooped in front me and shouted "HAPPY B'DAY!!"

Then I looked at my watch and said to myself...... "hmmmmmm, so it is." Time 12.40am.

I don't remember what happened beyond that point because I dozed off rather suddenly. From where I got that sudden sleepy breeze, I really don't know. Woke up for sahur, prayed, then slept again to only wake up past noon. During the times I was awake most of it were spent on reflection. The results are....

I have not managed to secure a proper job after graduating from university.
All of my efforts in achieving a class and not to mention a department ranking have been in vain.
My immediate graduate life is nothing worth celebrating or jumping for joy.
I have no idea about my next move and thus at crossroads.
I am seriously evaluating the rationale behind why people do somethings that they do.
Other guys were more excited about my b'day than I was, which was very strange.
Everything around me seems to hang by a thread, and a small jolt is enough to upset the whole apple cart.
There is more but I doubt my ability to stomach it all.

The guys wanted to buy somethings because a few were are going home for Eid. Others who weren't going had already made plans to send things through their friends. It all started when a friend sealed a deal to buy a shoe only to find out the pair brought later was a size smaller. Then he promised the seller that he would return after ifthar to buy the shoe, and all of us left China Town from the rear. After ifthar, we entered China Town the same way, from the rear, then my friend got a better deal on the same pair of shoes. While sealing the deal with this other chap the earlier seller happened to come and notice us there. Obviously, he would have been pissed off, anyone would. As we were walking away after my friend had bought the shoe, the rejected seller came behind us shouting to stop. It later escalated into an argument, which we all thought may turn ugly. So, none of us put our two cents into their argument. It's was a sensible decision my friend took in not talking back to this guy because he was really looking to start a fight. My friend started walking away while the Chinese dude started yelling profanities, and a for few minutes we were the centre of attention. If my friend had got hit, then we would have to go to his aid, which will also prompt other sellers to do the same. End result will for sure have been 5 seriously injured foreigners, one celebrating his b'day, ending up in a hospital. Talk about an eventful b'day, huh?!!?

I was relieved to reach home since I had just escaped being seriously injured, or maybe even killed. I only wanted to sleep and wake up for sahur the next morning. When I pulled out my mattress I felt it being a little damp, then on closer inspection found out most of it was wet. That's what happens when you leave your mattress near an open window exposed to the elements, which in this case happened to be the rain. It ended my blissful hopes of going into slumber.

After mignight on the 13, two friends came to our place and that resulted in me playing cards into the wee hours of September 14. I mean, its not like you can tell them to go because you want to sleep!! After having sahur at Idaman I came back home to pray and just went to sleep on the floor- desperate times call for desperate measures, or so they say. Sleeping for about 205min is hardly refreshing, but you can't give that excuse to your boss. Most of yesterday was spent in replying to all the wall posts on fb- a total of 125!! That sort of made me feel good, I think, but can't be certain though.

Today at 5.30am a friend called from home base, a surprise in no small way, and perfect timing too since no one had woken up for sahur. During the call, lasting about 40min, I managed to eat a few dates and drink some water. I told him of my situation, plans, close encounters, depressing moments and much more; so did he. I must say that was a nice way to start off the day.

Here I am then........ 24 years on with nothing of value to show. Shit!!!

Like a bowl of porridge....

2009-09-10T12:51:00.003+05:30

This Tuesday was the first time I didn't wake up for sahur, or shall I say woke up at 6am. When I looked at the time my eyes were immediately awake, not an ounce of drowsiness. Better yet, none of my roomies woke up either, which was utterly even more shocking. But there was nothing I could do except pray and get on with the day's work. Surprisingly though, I got through the day in better condition than most days I ate for sahur. It must be the hand of God easing my pain and suffering because I was expecting the worst. The only consolation was being invited for ifthar that day by a family friend of mine.

One thing I look forward to is an invitation for ifthar, lunch, dinner or any engagement that will end by serving food, and that too from the motherland. God, how I miss that food during this time of year. It has been 5 years since my last Ramadan at home, and not knowing when such a time will come again. I really miss my mum's beef porridge (referred back home as 'kanji') after ifthar due being accustomed to it over the years. There were also other treats like samosas, rolls, cutlets and much more. I can, however, have ifthar without it because that's what I've been doing ever since my university phase. However much food I find, it's nothing like home. Even though, there may be little food on the table all of it would taste divine. The feeling of sharing an ifthar with family, to me, is the best thing on earth.

I'm more into doing ifthar at home; mother is always making something 'special' for my brother and I. During the last few years I helped mum to prepare food the best I could. After all, I was a boy and we used to do only trivial chores as compared to the ladies who took on the lion's share. Call me old fashioned, but I don't intend on changing any of my preferences. Looking at ifthar from a cultural angle, many back home seldom patronise restaurants. To me comfort is of utmost importance, which in a restaurant I can't have. Plus, I prefer home cooked dishes for ifthar since that's the way my family's being doing it for ages.

I intend on allocating more points for possible future suitors who are skilled in culinary art (I'm planning to have a score sheet along with a few more essential qualities) ;). It means I will go only so far on the cooking track!!!

Now coming back to present....

As we started eating after azan, the food just seemed to glide down my throat. Thus far, it is the best ifthar I've had on foreign soil, no doubt about it. Samosas, pastries, rolls, fruits, sherbert drink; only thing missing may have been my actual family sitting around me. It was as if I went home to do ifthar!! I could only sum it up in one way- gastronomic. Looking back, I think there is so much I'm missing out, or have missed by now in the name of further education. I hope there will be a time for me to catch up?!?

As a fact, I know this all too well, and that is time waits for no one.

Hold your horses....... please!!

2009-09-08T10:07:00.004+05:30

I can't for the life of me understand why people are already celebrating when fasting is hardly over?? I'm not the type to rain on anyone's parade, but what gives!! Just last week, I heard songs being played in many shops as if the big day will vanish all too suddenly minus the proper fanfare.

So, what's new?? I think everyone should start a random entry this way, just for fun. :)

With an idea of increasing my chances of securing a 'proper' job, I have applied for a professional course in IBF (Islamic Banking & Finance). Although, at first it was not my intention of entering this field, due to all the disputed industry practices clashing with theoretical norms, later I thought of seeing what it has to offer. The course also gives out scholarships, thank God, one of which I'm hoping will come my way.

In the home front things are looking pretty well because quite a few people are handing down a few stuff to fill up the empty place. We even got a stove from my family friend who encouraged us to start cooking. We are hoping to get down n' dirty, expect eventual screw-ups, not to mention adopt a trial-and-error philosophy in all culinary endeavours. I love the culture of hand-me-down's as long as whatever handed down is in good condition.

Some people have started advertising for ifthar as well. The following words "bukan berbuka biasa' are from a notice which I saw about a week ago. Looks like people are getting bored of the conventional style and are set to try something new. Seriously, bukan berbuka biasa?!!?

There is no feeling of being in the clouds this time as before. It was this time last year, beyond my better judgement, that I allowed myself to be drawn into a lady. Attempts were made to catch a chance encounter, or better yet have a live audience with her friends. Ahhhh.... those were the days!! I must be honest, the systematic planning along with dreaming of 'what if' situations were very interesting. As of currently, everything is more of a stalemate. It's not that now I wish it had worked out, but rather, the whole episode taught me an important lesson.

The lesson- thy time is not now, thus take a breather under the shaded tree of patience. Thou has obligations overdue, which ye must fulfill to the best of thy ability. There is a lot to be done, to be achieved, to be gained; now is the time.

Habitually, I'm a person who never thinks about how things could have been different because it's beyond human comprehension. Those intricacies are better left to God, and His infinite wisdom. Whatever transpires will be in my best interest, although it can be perceived differently as well.

Being the only bachelor in your workplace doesn't help either. Everyone wants to know if there is 'someone' in my life. I declared early on to everybody that there is no such 'someone', and put an end to speculation. Two of my friends -both having studied in the same place as me- went to the motherland to get hitched. All I can say is 'good luck!!' During their dating period the guy started to show improvements in his academic standing, which was quite stunning to all the guys; he was in the Dean's List ever since. Many of us gave credit to the girl thinking she had made an immense impact on the chap because it was the only variable.

Hmmm...... how about that folks!! Can a lady turns things about with her charm??

An empty stomach with an overflowing heart

2009-09-04T14:38:00.004+05:30

I like this song for many reasons my heart cannot sum up in words. Plus, I have found a new singer whom I intend to follow in time to come. Honestly, I don't feel like listening to any other music these days. It's like suddenly I have no liking for the songs and singers whom I liked before. I'm on an all out nasheed downloading spree!!

I went to the uni mosque for Friday prayers, the one place that I love the most. I can remember the times my friends and I used to nap over there. It all happened when we first arrived in Malaysia long time ago, and it was a new thing for us. Back in the motherland no one is allowed to sleep in mosques- never. Listening to the sermon made me realise how stale things have become. A fiery sermon is what I want; one full of examples, practical approach, recollection etc. Instead of that, I see the Imam reading from a text, which he couldn't do properly either. Flow of the speech was very monotonous, it hardly had any high points. So, what's the point in delivering one, and that too in a place like the 'garden?' Another thing is sermons in Arabic, which only a certain portion of the congregation understand. Then your only choice is to wait until the Imam calls for prayer.

Fasting has made Muslims lazy as I found out today when in my faculty general office. I had to get some copies certified along with those of two other friends. When I asked the secretary to certify it for me she inquired the number of copies. I answered as 9 copies. She then told me to get it signed from any lecturer I know because apparently they certify things only on Wednesdays. What would happen to those who can't make it on a Wednesday?? Boo-hooo, tough luck chum. I ask you, how hard can it be to stamp 9 copies? Answer- hardly takes more than 10 min. I gave the copies to the office because all the lecturers I knew were out, then I had to pick them up at 2pm. The Muslim world is surely not going to prosper with such a work ethic. Ironically, the 'garden' is fostering an idealism that is contrary to the practice.

While waiting for the bus in Idaman this week I saw a vendor selling kuih. It was the kuih that is green on top and has rice at the bottom. To me, it tastes like a rice dish back home sans the green topping, and I have no clue what its called. Having said that, the kuih drew my attention many times because I kept on glancing at it from time to time. I wanted to buy some for ifthar. Then I purposefully thought of not buying it since I want to feel the despair in not enjoying something I like. I thought of people who don't have the means to buy food they like, but see it in front of them. How crushed would they feel? Not to mention the anguish of a person who is already in hunger. Many people have got the wrong idea about fasting, I think. Would u believe me if I tell you that people consume more in this month, than any other month of the year?? Believe it!!

I have made a solemn pledge regarding this holy month. That is to derive all of its goodness and comprehend what it's trying to teach or impart on man. My journey is to feel the suffering, the pain, the anguish which is not felt on any other day or month. Be closer to God as much as possible because I too have strayed knowingly and unknowingly. To cleanse, purify and reform my mind, body, heart and soul.

Insha Allah.........I hope God will show me the way.

10-3B

2009-09-01T12:15:00.003+05:30

This weekend turned out to be very eventful for a lot of reasons. Firstly, my friends and I were gearing up to move into an apartment after 4 years of uni life. There was a pinch of liberation sprinkled into the air because from now on no more campus rules. The apartment, actually it's an office place we are going to convert into a house is quite alright. Honestly, we have water, sanitation, a roof and all other essential components needed to reside like human beings. Having said that, I know there are millions who don't even have what we do right now. Praise the Lord for His benevolence upon us.

On Sunday, the three of us (who have been roomies for the past 4 years) took on a challenge of immense proportion. Giving a thorough clean to the new place took every ounce of energy. At that time we realised that the floor is slanted after pouring water to clean it. God, why are people so careless and cheap?? It took a few hours to sweep the entire place, cleaning the floors along with the bathroom, not to mention mopping, and finally doing other small things like the windows etc. Our attempts to find a lorry turned futile it being the weekend and next day Merdeka. Still we kept on trying nonetheless. Finally, Monday night we managed to borrow a friends van and had to do a few trips to and fro, not to mention dodging the police check points en route. Seriously, none of us had a license!!

Do you want to know my opinion about moving? I absolutely without a nanosecond of thought hate it!! Like they say in the movies "I'm too old for this shit." Carrying all the accumulated belongings of three people for the past four years took a significant toll on everyone's muscles, back and other body parts; all of it were carried four stories. If you happen to say "ouch" after this, you have no idea about the strain caused. Furniture is non-existent, but the broker did fix a ceiling fan at no extra fee. God bless that Chinese man, and who said they're all about the money?!? Our one and only house asset for the time being. After doing the agreement I would be almost broke, and will be contemplating whether to request for zakat. LOL!!!

If shifting house leaves your finances so low, I can only imagine getting married. This is not to scare or discourage all those people thinking of marriage. Just so all of you know, I'm pro-marriage and think its a lovely thing. I plan on filling my coffers to the brim before getting hitched. Now, please don't scrutinize me.

Everything was done close to midnight, thus all of us (six people, three others who came to lend a hand) took a breather. The three boys had to stay over at our place because going back to uni would only land them with a compound note courtesy of incompetent uni security. We stayed up talking and laying down on our new mattresses, which we found out are of very poor quality. If you raise an eyebrow at this one I got two words for ya- budget constraints. At 3am all of us decided to walk to Idaman to eat, then comeback to pray and sleep. With all the minor aches received a few hours prior we managed to go and comeback in one piece.

The place needs a lot of work, but for now I'm happy that we have some place to stay.

I came across a news item of Muslims protesting against the construction of a kovil. A protest is alright in my book, but what annoyed me is when protesters were parading a cow's head; that to me is really not cool and going over the line. What happened to Muslims being tolerant and peaceful?? I say put all the inconsiderate buggers who did it behind bars. I have a minority mindset when it comes to such issues since my motherland is a Buddhist majority country.

Independence............really!?!

2009-08-28T13:39:00.003+05:30

If I ask, if you are really independent, what answer would you give me?? A resounding "yes" or a half-hearted "I think so?" I've been pondering this idea for a long time; since the time I came to Malaysia. To me, independence is a state of mind and not something a person can grasp physically or in any other manner. Many people start talking about independence close to celebrating a country's independence from foreign rule. As a former British colony I'm very much aware of the propaganda. Even after gaining independence, are you in the sense of the word, independent?? If I had to answer the question, the answer would be "no."

Look at it this way, we are all dependent on someone for something. Ultimately, all religious and pious people of all faiths depend on God. So, independence is like a myth; it sounds really breathtaking, but it's not real. The world now is far interdependent on countries than it ever was during the colonial era. It's very evident from analysing the global financial crisis that almost crashed economies (not to mention giving me a sour deal as a graduate). I want to be independent as in be free from all that is superficial: materialism, consumerism (telling people to buy all sorts of products to that will make you feel good), extremist dogma, stereotyping etc. I'm disgusted and fed up with all these nonsense.

The holy month is going well with all the activities that is to be done in this month taking precedence over others. But for the life of me I can't understand why some people are so hypocritical even in the holiest of months. I was seated in the economics canteen last night and noticed a banner with the words 'This is a dating free zone', after that it was 'Allah is watching you.' What made me laugh was a couple surfing right in front of the banner. I'm not blaming the couple because dating has been going on for ages, and it's not like the authorities are worried about it. It irked me more because people who made the banner were also student of university registered club. A perfect situation of blind leading the blind!!

I will say this though, those contributing negatively (apparently some refer to it as the 'garden of hypocrisy and fallacy') towards the 'garden' have no right in referring to it in such a way. Wouldn't it be funny to you if Hitler had stated somewhere denying responsibility for killing the Jews?? Or like Bush saying the prisoners in Guantanamo were well looked after?!?

Tsk....tsk.....only God knows best.

Tick-tock......tick-tock

2009-08-20T13:10:00.003+05:30

Last week things took a huge turn, first for the better, then almost for the worse. After going to work for 2 days I came under a heavy headache that later morphed into fever by the next morning. H1N1 being very rampant, I called in sick and went to clinic. While on my way I began to wonder if they would treat someone who is no longer a student (I had done clearance already!!)?? My body started to ache and everything felt abnormally heavy, even my footsteps!! After an examination by the doctor, not to mention medical leave for 5 days, I was ordered to rest and keep away from people. Only last Friday did I realise that I'm going to be a painful recipient of a tooth at the end of my left jaw. Wisdom has not been this painful, I swear. A pat on the back goes to Miss. Psychic for sending me the symptoms of H1N1 at a time when I was fearing the worst. I can only eat from my right side, even then I can't move my jaw as before. Poor me :(

As far as my job goes, there is not much of action going on in the office. Who am I kidding because it only has about 7 people. My first assignment was to draft a Ramadhan appeal brochure in English, which will be distributed for collecting funds. Plan is to disburse all these funds to needy Muslims around the world. I came across a few old photo albums that spoke a lot in terms of images. Bosnia, Afghanistan, Cambodia and a lot of countries were filled inside my brain; people, faces, places seemed to leap out from the album pages. I can't imagine how it must have been to provide relief when on one side there is danger to ones life. I'm very content for the time being as to what I do because there is clarity and comprehension of tasks.

Since the past 2 months I have developed a hate mixed with disgust towards the university hostel administration. Requesting for an extension of stay was entertained in such a way that they wanted my friends and I shift to another location far away and share a cubicle too!! I mean its just utter bullshit. We declined the idea and in the process got a 'transit' room, the condition is nothing short of deplorable. We would have happily paid for our old room, but these idiots said it's not possible. Why is it that I have to deal with so much shit and dumbass people?? I have more to write about my garden of higher learning in due time that will shock many people. Thus, my mates are very actively hunting for a place to rent. Most likely, it seems that moving to a new place would occur during the fasting month whether we like it or not.

Steady steps.....

2009-08-14T13:23:00.003+05:30

As I complete month of working life (working full-time in the guise of part-time), working is nescafe has become a thing of the past. This week onwards I've started working for a NGO focusing on micro-credit and educational programmes. Most of its operations are in foreign countries, but the important thing is that I got a decent job. When I was working in nescafe I was under-employed, while at present I'm under-paid. I don't to make it a big issue because I hope things would get better soon. One thing I've realised is that not all people get that dream job they've been wishing for. Rather, people make due with what they have, or hope for better days to come.

I have satisfaction in my job, even though I'm under-paid, and that is being able to help people in need. The NGO I work for is operating a micro-credit scheme in Acheh for some years, and they also plan to open an office in Egypt to help the people of Palestine. Apart from all this, the NGO would help Muslims anywhere in the world in times of strife and hardship.

There are some nescafe moments I would like to share:

The are-you-kidding-me moment:
An international girl walks up to the counter; she was surveying what we have to offer, and mind you it was not her first time either. While I let her do that, I went to take the order of another person. Then I came back to take her order.

Girl- ummm.....do you guys like have latte’s and stuff over here?? (spoken with a really fake accent)
I- well, not really. You see...... this not starbucks!!! Why not try and go there? (yes sir, I dropped it like its hot)

Taking egoistic shit was not part of my job description.

The LOL moment:
Two guys walked up to the fridge, at that moment I was operating the coffee machine on the other corner. After I was done, I went to the counter in order to total up what these two had bought. One of them had taken a Coke can, while his friend placed a cucumber next to it. Yes, a freakin’ CUCUMBER!!! This chap wanted to buy a cucumber that we use in our sandwiches, which we keep in a separate fridge.

For a moment, I could hardly contain my laughter and tried desperately not to laugh in his face. This has been the best moment so far on the job. I tried my level best to make him understand that the cucumbers were not for sale. Few minutes later, he pointed to an old label on the cucumber shelf that had RM. 1.70 on it. That guy must be real stupid to buy a cucumber for that price. He was a bit persistent if you ask me because even after that he didn’t give up; he tried to sweet talk me into selling the damn cucumber.

The heartbreak moment:

An Indian friend of mine came to nescafe and before I could take his order blurted out "dude.... what the hell are you doing here?!!? I heard you're really good and even have a department ranking!!"

At that moment I felt my heart being squeezed like it was going to stop beating. That really made me go "ouch" inside and I kept on hearing his words over and over again.

The Ms. X moment:

Look who dropped by nescafe one early morning with some her friends. She asked what I was doing in the shop, a very obvious question which I pointed out later (why do people ask that question anyway??). I told her that working in nescafe is only until and find something better to which she said "a proper job." Talk about rubbing it in folks...... and I wondered where all the sympathy went to?!!?

My collar is blue!!!

2009-07-19T21:21:00.001+05:30

People do many things to survive in order to carry on their lives on a daily basis. Whether that is legal or illegal is a valid issue, but it all comes down to circumstances. Humans all over the world are given the ability to adapt according to their environments and at the same time thrive in it at best. I’ve also found a part-time gig that is very gruelling mentally and more intensive physically.

Where? Here’s a hint- the watering hole of my glorious campus. Go figure, please. As for the wage, I’m very proud to say the management is paying me RM 3.50 per hour. Yippeeee!!! I wonder what’s the minimum wage rate in Malaysia? It’s not that I want to demand more because getting a part-time job itself is a big deal. I mean, one reason for getting the job was the manager is from the motherland. I needed the cash and he offered work; forces of supply and demand of labour at work.

If any of you reading this haven’t worked for 12 hours a day, then stop trying relating to my situation. My longest to date is 14 hours and 30 min, which sucked every ounce of life I had. After closing shop, the manager and I went to get supplies at a wholesale mart in Selayang. When I say wholesale mart, picture a building similar to an airplane hangar stacked to the roof with supplies, and its open 24 hours!!! People were selling things beside the road even past midnight, and right then it hit me. I still had it good, even though I worked 12 hours daily. I appreciated my job, whatever that I was doing, did, or going to do in the weeks to come. Bottom line is this- if it’s an honest job that you sweat to earn a living, then ain’t any shame in that.

Amidst all this commotion, there was also good news. What’s the probability of both good things and challenging situations happening together?? Got no clue. The faculty has nominated me for awards at convo, which to me was far from expected. You’re first nominated by your faculty (only 5 students with the highest graduating cgpa from their respective departments in each semester qualify) in which case they ask you to submit co-curricular activities. Depending on ones co-curricular performance, the graduation committee would choose the person best suited for each award being offered by each faculty. I can say nothing other than this being a blessing from God. Now, my only worry is that I’m good enough to get an award.

I just found out that a friend of mine in Aussie is doing a part-time job to cover his living expenses. By the way he talked about it, many things didn’t add up. After inquiring of his job description I hit the roof. How does working as a busboy in a 5-star strip club sound?? An ethical dilemma indeed!!

P.S- Thank you to the white-collar lady who was kind enough to give me a treat as a gesture of being part of the workforce. I owe you one. Fear not, because I shall in due time treat you to a blue-collar lunch of roti canai and teh tarikh!!!

No money............ No honey!!!!

2009-07-08T12:28:00.003+05:30

Around me the environment is very turbulent, unsure, fidgety, not to mention distastefully bleak. I'm still holding on.......holding on to a burning rope of time that will soon have nothing left to feed on. I haven't the slightest idea why I'm still here. Well, one reason is because my father said so. "Let's see what happens" he said, to which I reluctantly agreed not wanting to raise any objection. Most people are moving on now; bulk of the graduates are doing something rather than nothing, except for myself.

My mindset is fixed on doing something productive- anything!! I really enjoyed filling in for a friend at nescafe on Monday. Although it was for 3 hours I was occupied, my mind was racing with numbers, fingers running over the cash register and buttons on the coffee machine, trying to make sure everyone got what they had ordered. I hate not doing anything because to say my life is 'banal' would be an understatement of great proportions. I don't want to spend much time thinking either. I mean when you have such a lot of time how much can you think??

The sharp cognitive reflexes of my mind have withered away, but given the time can be resurrected. Then again what's my objective now? Degree is done, I know what should happen next; it's the stage where you pick out a job that's going to keep you alive. I suppose patience is needed at this time to keep my head stable and calm.

I was waiting for the bus at Greenwood yesterday when a couple dismounted from the motorbike to sit next to me. After a few minutes, I was a victim of second hand smoking, the period that lasted gave me chills. Not because of the smoke, there was another factor. After the guy had finished smoking halfway, the girl got into the act as well. Moral degradation of society just keeps on increasing freakin' everyday. Mind you, I was disgusted, and nothing is worse like hearing a father rape his own daughter. WTF!!! Are these guys out of their minds? I'm told the number of cases reported are only a fraction, meaning it's getting really fucked up!!! I say stone all of the men found guilty- no mercy!!

The shit never ends....... rather it gets worse.

2009-06-30T15:00:00.004+05:30

Going to One Utama on a Sunday can be a painstaking ordeal. It also brought about a landmark moment in which I set foot in that place for the first time, although being in KL for the past 4 years. I've always wanted to see the place, but never actually got around to it. Another lesson to learn is book your tickets in advance when wanting to see an outrageously popular movie- like Transformers. They should also have law for not making malls so huge. In the end, no tickets were available at 5pm or 6pm, which stung a great deal. Ouch!! All that 2 hours of commute for nothing. Freakin' great!!

En route to One Utama, the guys were chatting while waiting for the bus adjoining Kelana Jaya station, I noticed a lady sitting behind us. I was facing the boys while they were seated on one of the benches. As usual, we were speaking in Sinhalese, giving us an advantage saying whatever we desire without the scrutiny. After some time there was another woman who emerged out of the train station who made her way towards us. I must be honest in saying that this woman was extremely pretty, thus making heterosexual male heads turn. All this while I was standing, the woman I mentioned first -the one sitting behind us- acted as if she knew what we were talking. I dismissed the idea after sometime, but still had my doubts. As the pretty lady passed by one of the boys made a hearty comment making us all chuckle. Few seconds later, the woman sitting behind us approached one of the boys on my left and asked "are you Sri Lankan?", and that too in Sinhala!!!

There was a sudden pause, where all of us just couldn't believe our ears. I mean, who would have thought?? Not me, that's for sure. We were all pretty sure she had heard everything including what we said about that pretty lady. Oh well, it was too late to do anything. This incident taught us not to talk in a high pitch next time. On our way back, we got a nice tour of the surrounding area courtesy of the bus- route U82. My......my......the cars in that area are absolutely awesome. At this point, given the choice between a lady and a car, I would without hesitation pick the former.

Now for this week.

Today, I met another of my fathers' contacts about a job. Incidentally, he knew that I'm a Malay through his relations with my father. He is a member of many NGOs and a close friend of the opposition leader. During my chat with him, he spoke of how they plan to "change" things in the local context. But for my safety I will not be talking about it here. Beginning of our meeting he asked me "how many percent of Malay are you?", to which he, himself, gave rhetorical answers like "5 percent, or is it 10 percent?" Then he asked the usual questons like if my parents were Malay, and when I said "yes", he countered my answer with another question to ascertain if they were "pure" Malay. What is this shit all about?? Seriously, I'm getting sick of this because I see no point the matter. I should coin a name for this; let's call it the 'purity problem.'

The Chosen One

2009-06-26T13:50:00.003+05:30

A man reassures himself by looking at the mirror that everything is fine; everything, as in, his attire. He drags the cuff of his left sleeve to reveal the time- 12 noon exactly. At the door before leaving he tells a prayer and locks the door behind him. A double-check of all necessary items reassures that nothing is missing. As he makes his way out of the building, a reel of moving images of the day before starts to play. There was a call from a lady who called him for an interview; an interview made possible by his father's friend who had contacts in this particular company. The idea of beginning a new phase in his life seemed appealing, while also inferring countless challenges to be faced and how to manage them.

The bus ride took 10 min along with another 30 min for the commute in the train. When he exited the train station at Kampung Baru there was an hour to spare before the interview. With an attitude 'better be early than late' he set about searching for a taxi to reach his destination. However, at 1pm there were hardly any taxi's around, thus making him walk a long stretch of road from the railway station in the midday sweltering sun. It dawned on him, the road he was taking would not lead to main road, instead was a dead-end. He cut across a street which in the end lead him to a road with little traffic. Waiting for over 15 min on the pavement with streams of sweat dripping from his forehead, time was running out. Then he hailed a taxi and directed the driver "take me to Jalan Daud." The driver in return posed another question "where is that?" For this man the misery was only beginning.

Even the taxi driver couldn't find the place, leaving the man to question the driver's competency at his occupation. A sad state indeed!! In the end, with the help of an English speaking local he managed to find the place. While nearing the destination, it occurred to him of how badly the numbering had been initiated in the area. 'Appalling' is too nice of a word. The good news- clock had 15 min to spare.

The interview panel consisted of 3 people (2 males and a female) and held in the company conference room. Starting the interview with a few ominous vibes certainly was not expected. There was the obvious "so, you're a foreigner", followed by "we are instructed to recruit locals", then "are you fluent in Malay?", one more being "all of our communication is done in Malay!!" He soon came to understand that things would not go in his favour. Not knowing labour law too had a negative impact, but it couldn't be directly attributed to him. To conclude, the job in human resource would not be a good fit. But it gets better!!

At the latter stages of the interview, having re-entered the room after leaving it so the interviewers could talk privately, they ask "can you work in accounting??" The man was perplexed beyond his wildest dreams. Either these people cant read the university manuscript stating 'Bachelor of Business Administration', or they had brains the size of peanuts. On his way out of the office he started to ponder why private companies don't use English more?? One thing that came to his mind was insecurity coupled with reluctance to venture beyond once safety zone.

Tsk.....tsk.....a pity indeed!!

Mind Vs. Matter

2009-06-22T16:18:00.003+05:30

So, what have I been doing all this while? Nothing. Yes, the answer is that simple!! Apart from eating, drinking, lots of sleeping, watching movies and going to gym, there is nothing else going on at the moment.

I must say that trying to lose weight is an uphill battle. But I think that I'm making progress. Slow and steady. One thing with the gym is that it could use an upgrade- for real!! It has been the same way since I started going, like 3 years ago. Although, at one point they did replace a sponge pad on one of the machines. Yippee folks, it ain't gona get any better than this, literally!! I have been making steady improvement on my weight lifting, trying to push myself to lift heavier each time. It's working for me quite well. The trick is to block out that signal coming from your brain refraining you from lifting heavy. You can't get rid of it in a cinch, rather it takes a long time to overcome. If one can control his mind, then lifting heavy weights would be much easier.

Another things is, I hate all this weight lifting wannabe's. There is a guy who comes to gym wearing leather shoes, slacks and a t-shirt. Is that jackass blind!??! Seriously, I don't get it. Anyone with a keen sense of observation would figure out right away that he is over-dressed. Instead, this moron rolls up the same way every time; talk about an eyesore!! On the other hand, I've also seen some guys who are really impressive and make you do better too.

I was just thinking one day about the kind of guy conversation I could like to have with a woman. What would top my list if a woman could talk about rugby, then maybe weights. Over here women like football, thus a conversation about rugby would be a rarity. Football is ok, but rugby is more manly, that's what I feel. Rugby is a full contact sport, one should be able to handle it as well as dish it out. Damn, I miss playing rugby, it's been ages since I played. I miss crashing into another guy, giving a tackle, running with the ball; basically playing like a team.

Ahhhh......what I would do to play a game rugby. Anything.

Have you seen him???

2009-06-11T07:59:00.001+05:30

This may look too good to be true, but it's funny as hell!!! I got this in my e-mail, and soon after started laughing. I just can't imagine telling people my name in this case. A whole new level of weird!! Someone call DC comics, or is it Marvel comics?? We have a live one folks...... hahaha.

Egged

2009-06-10T10:51:00.003+05:30

When guys want something from another they let you know about it. Being subtle is a trait not well acquainted with Martians, neither is patience. Due to MB leaving, we decided to host a dinner for all the guys from the motherland. They have a very good way of being insistent and also getting the message across to those who matter. I realised few minutes before dinner that MB had not done this sort of thing before. Evidence was apparent when I saw the plates he had bought; diameter of about 18cm, and they were the "biggest" he could find. That blunder gave precedence to many heckles from all quarters, but MB's defence stood firm saying "those were the biggest plates I found." All in all, the dinner ended without any further unexpected surprises.

Previously, en route to collecting the food, my friend driving the car told me to be "careful" and "on guard." Upon inquiry he said be ready for a 'soak' after dinner, thus wearing old clothes/rags would be appropriate. I tried to talk my way out of it and in the process transfer my portion on to MB, but that fell on deaf ears. When the last of the guys were to leave I went to my friends cubicle to have a chat with MB. Nothing like having all four cubicles in a room occupied by your country mates. After a few minutes I heard 'crack' sound followed by a gooey liquid trickling down my scalp. Seconds later, a piece of egg shell fell to the floor, and right at that moment MB got it smack on the head; two eggs a piece!!! Actually, there had been six, two of them had cracked because of faulty handling. A pity, no?? There I was with pieces of egg shell on my head with yolk dripping down my neck. It was as if Humpty Dumpty along with a friend had fallen on me.

Advantage of having a bald head is that everything can be washed off easily, which was not the same for MB. Both of us were quite jovial after the whole incident, even giving each other 'high five.' I know, it's insanely ironic. MB and I even shook hands with the eggor: person who hit us with eggs, not forgetting to thank him. Weird right?? The person pissed off with all of this happened to be a non-eggee: person who was not hit by eggs, whose room was a disaster. Egg was seen all over his room, and it ain't pretty. I was relieved that I didn't get egged in my room. After mopping the room, cleaning his table along with other objects covered with egg, few minutes of cursing (which made MB and I laugh), everything was back to normal.

Hollow moments

2009-06-08T16:08:00.003+05:30

Ever since the start of my job search cum self imposed vacation there has not been anything striking that I've done at all. To say this period has been awesome and really cool would be way of deceiving myself. Yes, there have been great moments, but they never last. After sometime you're back to doing the mundane things you used to do. In my case I'm not even doing the mundane activities I used to do earlier like studying. It's not like I miss studying, rather having nothing to keep me occupied. While I was studying, the pace was very fast and often too much to bear, and not its topsy-turvy. It's like telling Usain Bolt to run a marathon, which to him would be extremely infuriating.

MB is getting ready to fly back home because HQ (comprising mum and dad) has made their decision. I told him to make the his last week on foreign soil worthwhile, maybe do something out of the box. Oh joy, the ideas I could give him!!! He will be a changed man for sure once he lands in the motherland. MB accusing me of being a bad influence on him is pretty damning, but then again, he may be a tad bit right. Like they say- "what are friends for?" Due to the current situation we have decided terminate our 'affair' because long distance is never a good choice. LOL!!! Eventually, it was bound to happen and everything should take its course. Looking back on many things, MB is the only person who knows a lot about me from the uni crowd, and vice versa. I'm never the one to tell another everything about myself because there is no need to.

Lately, I have been experiencing hollow moments: a moment in which one feels completely and utterly removed from everything happening around him/her. They have been quite regular and steadily increasing with intensity. It feels like something is consuming me from within and spreading all over my system like a virus. Any form of entertainment doesn't seem to help either. I just hope there is no need to see a therapist who would give a diagnosis saying I'm unstable. Great heavens, what a disaster!!! In order to rid myself of this affect, I leave my room to take a walk to wherever it may be, quite often in the dead of night. Then there is a recurring stomach pain that won't let me be; most agonising due to having a life of its own. I have this awkward feeling that I sound like a hypochondriac?? Arrrrrrghhh.

Bare feet on a theatre stage

2009-06-06T21:24:00.003+05:30

Now playing- Vivere by Andrea Bocelli

I finally got around to watching 'The Dark Knight' not knowing what exactly kept me from indulging in it earlier. Hats off to none other than Heath Ledger for a splendid and remarkable portrayal of his character- The Joker. In order to stay in character he had locked himself up in a dark room for entire duration of the film. Talk about dedication of the highest level. All the windows were blackened without letting a single ray of sunlight enter the room. Imagine spending your life for the perfection of a character, that indeed is giving all you have.

Staying in character is extremely challenging, especially during rehearsals for an upcoming drama. Believe me, I know the effort is takes to keep your mind in tune with a character. You have to breath it, feel it, basically live it throughout the entire drama. My love for theatre was ingrained since kindergarten by acting in the year end drama. Later on, most of it withered away until my final year of college. Shakespeare Drama Competition is the most awaited and coveted prize for any thespian in the island; like the Wimbledon for tennis or World Cup for football. All those who entered had to do an original act from the listed plays of Shakespeare given out by the judges. The cast had to literally reverse their imagination to an era in which English was a bit hard on ones tongue in terms of pronunciation.

There were reading sessions, time allocated for articulation, understanding the roles played by each person (spoken and non-spoken), then further analysis on the life and times of that era, cast members reading their lines without any text, not to mention endless days of rehearsals of more than 8 hours. On stage everyone were bare feet, no one was allowed to wear any shoes or slippers. Everyone addressed each other by their stage names, which reinforced the idea of building ones character. To us thespians, the stage was sacred and its boundaries similar to holy ground. In 2004, we missed a final slot only because of going over our time limit of 30 min; except that, we were rocking- so said the judges. I remember crying so much that day (after results were out and even while trying to sleep), and wanting desperately to go into finals.

I have not seen a good play in ages- like in 4 years!!! The play I watched last year performed by some law students didn't come up to expectations. No offense people. Having said that, the only noteworthy portrayal was from the accused wife, who has potential and her crying scene really saddened me. Except for that, the play was rather dull, unfortunately. If I could start acting again that would be splendid. But I wonder how??

In other matters, not being able to attend a friends' wedding is indeed a spoiler. It is more aggravating when you're scraping the bottom of your money pan. Remind me to infuse more effort to securing employment. I wonder if Christmas comes early June when you're in need of money?!!?

Power of the cable

2009-06-05T13:25:00.002+05:30

Most us have been programmed or hardwired with the idea of infusing a lot of effort towards a particular endeavour, thus resulting on a particular outcome. It has been more than a month since I started looking for employment. After all, it's the only rational thing a person wanting to be independent would do. I've gone to a career fair and an interview, which in both situations nothing materialised. It so seems that companies are avoiding foreigners like the plague. All other things held constant (ceteris paribus), I'm very confident of scoring a job given an even playing field, but we all know that's never going to happen. Due to such odds, it is necessary or shall I say "essential" to request assistance from those you know. Life is a cocktail of what you know, and whom you know. Back home, there would not be a huge crisis because even I have my network of contacts from the school alumni. It is indeed a blessing when "old boys" from your school hold very influential public and private sector posts. Since I'm not in my home country the approach is without question different and a bit jittery.

As it turns out, in my host country titles play a significant role when getting things done. There is also a hierarchy that makes matters less 'complicated'; depending on the number of people one knows along the line. Frankly, I'm very open to a quid pro quo situation, but what worries me is the part of reciprocation. This sounds a bit like economics: nothing in the world is free, everything has a cost. The words "powerful cable" are often used to imply how personal networks can be of immense use, especially in furthering ones agenda. Everything is abused in this world and so are personal networks. But utilising it for something good is alright in my book; God knows thy intentions.

I had to meet one of fathers' long time acquaintances, who extended a helping hand. He is one of those gentlemen who have a title. Goody!!! I really don't know what will materialise out of this because I'm fed up of the whole thing. There is nothing more depressing than to find out someone less qualified than you scoring a job at a reputed company, and being all smug about it too. All I can do is give a weak smile from the corners of my mouth, not forgetting to say "well done" like he/she got it solely on merit. When you are with the same crowd for 4 years, you get around to knowing the ones who perform well, and those who don't. In order to meet him, I had to take the same route reminiscent of my practical training. My God, what a flood of memories that brought on because I never knew they existed in me. It got even better when returning to campus when I met someone from the company I interned- Haji Yusoff. On my last day of work, Haji Yusoff took me to lunch before prayers and said it was to have met me. There we were -Haji Yusoff and I- chatting away in malay like old friends. We took turns inquiring about each other, his car had broke down leaving no other option but to take the train. Before he got off I told him "jaga diri ok" to which he said "Insha Allah" making my day unexpectedly warm and bright. Doesn't get better than this, or does it!?!

At Masjid Jamek, I bought curry puffs from a boy -who looks barely a teen- like most mornings on my way to practical training. Although, it was evening, the boy was there as usual nothing out of place. I can't imagine his life because reaching out to his situation is beyond me. I very dearly hope that his future would be better in time to come. My contingency plan would be activated if nothing productive happens. Thank God...... I have a free ticket to go back home due to the airline offloading us at the last moment (read Flight UL 316).

A people divided......

2009-05-30T21:03:00.001+05:30

Coming to Malaysia has made me realise many issues about reality in this world. Before coming, I was looking forward to meeting Malays and learning more about the culture. I knew it was different from my interactions with diplomats at the High Commission. During the early years in Malaysia, I used to introduce myself as a Sri Lankan Malay. A sizeable number were surprised to learn that there were Malays in Sri Lanka and wanted to know more, and thus I told them. Others just raised an eye, after which they said how much I resemble an “Indian.” Last year, I was asked by some Sri Lankan Malays -when escorting the Malaysian delegation- why the Malays over here looked “Chinese.” Like they say- what goes around comes around. There were also a minority who had no clue as to where Sri Lanka was located; that tells abundance of their intellect in geography. Now, I introduce myself as a Sri Lankan Muslim.

What really irks me exponentially when someone uses the words “pure Malay.” I see no clear avenue as how a person can distinguish that quality. I’ve heard this two times so far, and at both instances, the words were clearly articulated and gave emphasis to reinforce an identity. The first time, it occurred during a routine introduction with a person whom I like to call a hybrid: offspring of a couple belonging to two races. His father was Pakistani, while his mother Malay, but he worded and strengthened his maternal lineage by using “pure Malay.” The second time was yesterday, when I went to dinner at a family friends’ house- all of whom are Sri Lankan Malays. During a conversation about my university, a certain chap became the focal point and I was asked about him. He too is a hybrid, father a Sri Lankan Moor, and mother Malay. After mentioning this fact, the gentleman asked me a second time if the mother was “pure Malay” to which I replied in the affirmative. It’s like the man wanted to reassure some notion easing the anxiety in his heart.

I hope all of you reading this can see behind the lines. Malays discriminate against their kind. If it was not the case, then why do people need to state, or inquire the “purity” of a persons’ race? It’s all hogwash. If this yardstick is applied in its literal sense, then many of whom with lineage to other races cannot be called “Malay.” My maternal great-grandmother was Tamil, then my maternal grandmother Sinhalese, and I’m now Malay- according to my birth certificate. Physical characteristics apart, there is no consistent manner of justifying this claim. Don’t even get me started about eating Durian, a true signature of being Malay. I can’t stand that bloody fruit and it gives me an allergic reaction, so to hell with it.

Sri Lanka is divided along religious lines- a commonality in many countries. Malaysia is divided along racial lines, which is very bad. Then we see India split according to castes, an even worse plight altogether because tensions are always simmering and ending with violence. The truth is hard to swallow, but its high time people learn to live with it. Muslims in Sri Lanka comprise of many races, the majority being Moors (origin from the Arabia), then Malays, Memons (origin from Pakistan), Borahs (origin from India who are Shiites). In spite of this diverse makeup, the community is non-racist to a great extent, which can be proven by the many inter-marriages between Moors and Malays.

But when race is used like a marker to identify people, then it affects their behaviour greatly. In Malaysia, there is an immediate need to conform and be accepted as part of a certain race. I see non-Malays wearing the songkok over here, which to me is highly puzzling. It’s equivalent to I wearing a Moor’s cap in Sri Lanka, while a Moor doing it vice versa, or I dressing up like a Sinhalese. The songkok over here is a symbol of belonging, that is, and being utilised for economical and social agendas. It has the magical ability to make matters work out smoother than otherwise. Another mind boggling connotation is the term “Indian Malay.” I seriously doubt the practicality in a person laying claim to more than one race. In the end you have got to choose one over the other. I realise the sensitivity of this topic, and I’ve already ruffled a few feathers as a result of my post.

I have little concern for haggling and professing extreme views about my race. I’m proud to be Malay in my own way, but being a Muslim comes first. Malays are a delusional lot ingrained with the idea that being “Malay” takes higher precedence than being a Muslim. To those kinds of people, I spurn them like I would a dog with rabies. I can’t recall ever hearing of “Malay” blood because there is no such type- only A, B, AB and O. What more talking about being “pure Malay!!!!” It’s such an outrageous and baseless notion that will only lead more dissention, and not integration. Here is another titbit; being Malay does not necessarily mean that he/she has to be Muslim. People of a race can and do profess to more than one religion, and it’s not mutually exclusive. Sadly a lot of narrow minded people cannot grasp this idea. What a pity. In order to illustrate, the Sinhalese are mostly Buddhists’, then Christians, and lastly Muslims; there you have it.

A kiss from a Rose

2009-05-29T15:46:00.003+05:30

Fanny: Don’t waste my time. Choose something we have.

Max: I would like a lifetime spent with an irrational and suspicious goddess.........some short-tempered jealousy on the side, and a bottle of wine that tastes like you; a glass never empty. Forgive my lips, they find joy in the most unusual places.

(A Good Year- 2006)

As I had finished watching this movie -one of my handful of activities at present, productive or not- there lingered a slight sense of curiosity spurred on by a dreamlike fascination of how a real kiss would feel. In reality, there is no argument that such an experience is light-years away from where I stand; neither is my intention to expedite the entire process. There is no point in a kiss if it does not have a purpose. This of course is my opinion, which many people would disagree completely and have me shot for saying it. But I can hardly care. I believe its time for me to let myself loose from my shackles of giving a damn of what people think about my blog and its content. As long as no one files a defamation suit against me, that would be bliss. Being anonymous is my way of doing things.

Last year, while on holiday in the motherland, a friend of mine -a woman who in my mind is starkly unconventional from most I’ve met- posed a question that hit me like a hurricane. She asked me if I had been kissed before, and I replied in the negative, while still reeling from the effects of it. Talk about a straight arrow. She was good enough to show her sympathy towards my plight, which for some reason amused me. I still think about it and a wide smile is sure to ensue. How ironic it seemed that people used it as a measure to gauge people. I don’t mind and couldn’t care less, but it’s being done. Having said all of that, the thought would not leave my mind anytime soon.

In post-war news, Sri Lanka has managed to escape a UNHRC resolution aimed at probing into war crimes done by the armed forces. I’m not going to say that, there were no crimes committed, but war brings out the savagery from its combatants. But I do believe that armed forces would have done less harm as compared to the LTTE. Most Tamils are an ignorant lot from my observations, and the Tamils in Malaysia are no exception. One only has to dangle the carrot symbolising the Tamil cause before them and everything is forgotten- even reason. It’s very distressing and irritating to learn that these people are just groping in the dark. I read a news article that the Tamils want announcements to be made in their lingo in Malaysia airports. I say good luck with that because the answer is almost predictable. NO. For small percentage of the population these Tamils are very demanding. Maybe it’s in their genes!??!