Somwhere I belong

I daresay its been such a long time since I blogged last. Many things did occur during the past few months, and all of it cannot be said, some are better not said. I even have 2 followers!! Surprise.... surprise!!! Honestly, when I saw it at first I didn't know how to take it, or how to feel. Why not just let it be?!?

At the moment Sri Lanka is not the ideal place if you're looking for a job; then again there's hardly anything ideal about it at all. No doubt there's God given natural beauty- pristine beaches, highlands and lowlands, wet and dry locales etc. But when it comes to the economy nothing is going the way it should. Basically, this small Indian Ocean isle is still screwed!! We have a Central Bank that conveniently conjures up stats and figures to show all is fine and dandy, but nothing is further from the truth. Now, every unemployed ass is running around like a headless chicken applying for jobs. Whether they are qualified for the job or not is a different issue; bottom line is, people need a job. I'm a desperado as well with the only exception being slightly selective as to where I apply.

I get a numbing feeling at times when looking around me thinking if I truly belong to this place? Many times it has made me realise that I don't. Maybe its because nothing is going my way, and I mean nothing!!

I got to know today morning that I hadn't qualified for the third round of a job by a leading local conglomerate. Question- ain't that a bitch?!? Pls don't answer that. Now, I have to pin my hopes on two others for which I was interviewed. Having nerves of steel is not good enough really; I need nerves of titanium. I'm just praying to God for something good, at least for the time being.

I really should resume blogging more frequently.....

So what if it’s a new year??

I daresay this post is much awaited for my blog abundant with weedy virtual cobwebs. A lot has occurred since my previous post, the content of which I can’t recall instantly. It is a good thing that I’m not remotely popular or haven’t got a following. Only a handful of people know, and I can live with it; not to mention none are from the motherland.

First few weeks after my return, full of vigour and enthusiasm (all over again!!), I set about looking for an occupation. Many applications were sent to prospective employers with only a flicker of hope in things working out. All of which I applied for didn’t even get a reply saying I was rejected, that’s to put in a crude way- very sad. A school chum asked if I would like to do an internship at his company, saying well in advance that it would be only for 6 months. I agreed to it and sent my CV, then went for the interview and landed the job. On the up side my company is a multination, one of the biggest in the world, with over 20 brands in its portfolio. Later, after working there a few weeks, it was all too clear why their recruitment is so stringent. This place is set on absorbing only best talents in town- period. I’m not a permanent employee (not do they guarantee that you would ever be one), but just thinking about it gives me shivers because it’s a tall order.

Presently, my mindset is all geared towards learning and sharpening sponge-like tendencies in terms of gaining experience. I’ve realised that any academic degree merely gets you noticed to an extent depending which university it is from. Then comes the part about working experience that leaves me feeling qualification-wise partially naked. Hey, I like being my own critic, since it does wonders in making you face up to reality.

Corporates’ function in a way that can be quite over-whelming for a beginner; it certainly did not spare me. In the words of Charles Darwin, its survival of the fittest, and no one is an exception. Initially, I wondered if my life would be all about work devoid of having any real substance related to living a life that is full. The theory about work-life balance is load of bull-shit!! At the end of it, you have to choose work or life, and that is most certainly a tough call. As for me, who is merely on the tip of an iceberg, much needs to be sought to make that judgement call. So far, working life keeps my mind occupied while constantly thinking of the future.....my future.

Facing tough competition

Our local job seekers are quite unique having been influenced greatly by an outdated and redundant academic system. Of those who sit for A/Level exams only 4 percent are accorded with a university berth- need I say more? The remaining percentages of souls follow foreign degrees along with other professional courses for e.g. CIM, CIMA, ACCA etc. What it means is that I badly need a professional qualification.

Not a good start

On January 2^nd, mum fell ill and it was a reoccurrence of a condition we all hoped would not come about, but hoping is not good enough. If I were to describe the sickness, it’s a morphed state of dementia and hallucinations that go back and forth. She believes her life is in danger and some people are out to harm her, then the rest of us; at times she cries....tells us to be careful; suddenly she starts saying things that make no sense; shouts out from the window calling for help- and there’s a lot more.

I can’t bear to see her cry; then again I know it’s the sickness that’s making her cry. It’s nothing short of your beating heart being ripped out from the body. It started way back in 2001, since then this unstable psychological phase occurs in a cycle about 2 years apart. During the time I was abroad it happened once, and reassuring her I was safe took a lot of effort. Mind you, she didn’t believe it was me first time around and insisted she, herself, would dial my mobile number.

Lately, I fear things are taking a turn for the worst. Yesterday, she started to sing something impromptu making up words all on her own, there was another incident she told me to start being a good Muslim. It has not happened before, thus coming colour is not so good. These acts reminded me of my maternal granny who also went through something similar in her latter years. Granny’s condition leaned more towards losing her memory (a form of amnesia) of the present, and beginning to live in the past. Later, she forgot names of people and gradually faces making it harder for everyone to interact with her. In the final stages, she didn’t even know how to clean herself after passing faeces. Contrastingly, mum is living in the present, so I believe there is still hope.

Today, in the afternoon, she suddenly broke down and cried while in the kitchen, later rushing to her room. We asked why she was crying, but she refused to tell. It’s like everything we try to do in her interest ends up a failure. Dad found a tablet under her pillow, which means she has been skipping her medication.

I’m still getting used to many aspects of local life. Merely to say living abroad (in a country more developed than ones own) makes you complacent and quickly erase many difficult experiences of the past. Adapting to such an environment is so easy, although reverting back can be a bitch!!

Finding equilibrium

I don’t know all of this will end. How my mum would be cured of her illness, and I in pursuit of a better job and brighter future; also managing the pressure and expectations of my current job. Striking a balance is a conscientious decision that everyone need to arrive at; if not, life would not have value neither meaning. So, HELP ME GOD!!!

All in a days work

At present, being 'temporarily' unemployed may be a sort of blessing in disguise. In one way I get to help around the house; by this it means I help mum. I never noticed it before, maybe I was not that observant, but she does all the work at home. It's really amazing to watch her juggle all the chores, look into whatever that is required by us (meaning dad, bro and I), have a mental inventory of supplies, and not to mention give a good scolding when you're out of line etc. I daresay, she would beat superwoman hands down!! Having said that, I'm sure she beat superwoman like about 20 years ago.

I have managed to pitch in whenever I'm needed; to lift heavy objects, run errands.... you know, its mostly heavy duty stuff. Then one day I took a bold move and started to do the dishes without warning. If I had asked to do them she would always say, no!! I think mothers don't like their sons in the kitchen. I wonder why? All of a sudden I went 'commando' and started with the dishes, later she came and told me stop; but like I was just going to drop everything and leave!! One of my policies, which I have adopted over the years is to finish whatever I start. Thus, I did all the dishes, and in return, as appreciation got a few kind words and a kiss.

My skills are being honed on many avenues, cutting beef is one of them. If you ignorant lot think cutting beef is a 'piece of cake', then I would tell you to think again. I was only given a tutorial that lasted a good 5-10 minutes, and after that, it was all me. Surprisingly, I kind of picked up on a few things mum taught me and successfully finished task. I guess it must have been my hidden culinary skills erupting like lava from a dormant chef-to-be soul. I'm not going to say that it was easy; what with having to cut layers of fat (mum has a zero policy on fat!!), then some skin, and what not. Let me make one thing clear- your mum is the most strict of supervisors you will ever come across.

There you have it folks, I'm somewhat of a butcher. Hmmm.... a new line of employment perhaps?!? .........NOT. Hajj was a challenge when it came to making a fire to barbecue satay. The local satay is hardly sweet, rather its kind of spicy. Usually, coconut shells are used to make the fire, alas, there were none. So, we resorted to coal not knowing how things would turn out. Coal took about an hour to really emit required heat in order to cook the satay, but in the end victory was ours!!

Although, its a bit late, Eid Mubarak to everyone!!

Going back in rewind

It has been a week since landing in the golden shores of my motherland. One thing I must mention is that not a lot has changed. Among some of the significant things done by me include attending a friends wedding (though I can't remember the last time attending one at home), paying for a year long gym membership (got to stay in shape!!), and applying for jobs the very next day I landed. Thus far, there have not been any replies.

When I look back at my tenure in Malaysia, it is satisfying to know there is no unfinished business; even in the case of Ms. X. For once, my mind is clear and not in bits and pieces, neither does it wander aimlessly. Frankly, I did the right thing, so too, thought my 'panel' of advisers who have been by my side. The end result was as expected, but I took heart in a single aspect; I never had any expectations in the first place. As a start, my advisers were quite realistic regarding my pursuit, therefore gave me wise consultation. In the end, it all boils down to one thing- can you handle it?!? If that be a resounding and confident 'yes', then I would say good on you; but if one can't, that's too bad.

At present, I'm all about back-tracking, tuning myself to the local rhythm. Since I'm going to be here for quite sometime, I thought let's make the best of it. My statistics lecturer during my first sem in uni inquired as to who liked the subject, to which a few raised their hands. To the rest of the class he said this- "If you don't like statistics there's nothing much can be done, but LEARN to like it." I think that saying is quite apt given my scenario. I have optimism about one thing, and that is, somehow everything would work out, Insha Allah.

It will not be a cake walk because I realise there is a lot being expected from me. In my eyes I have to deliver, whatever the cost to myself. In the past years I learned about priorities the hard way!! First, in Malaysia, it was my studies and not a lot other activities. Now, its my family, and I have no intention of failing, it's not an option. I realise very well, after speaking to my parents what is expected of me, as the eldest child. Sacrifices by oneself have to be made because that's the only way to give priority to another, and it ain't gonna be easy.

My blog of late has been very depressing, that being my own opinion. What happened to that humorous, innuendo-prone, jovial man?!!? Answer to that one only rests in the hands of God. But I really do hope that man would pay me a visit and stay for a long time. I need that chap more than anything, or anyone right now; he is only person who can keep me going.

Blurry..... Cluttered.......and Confused

As I woke up this morning something didn't feel right. My thoughts were all jumbled up and scattered; it took awhile to figure out what I should do next after waking up. Last night I ran after someone. That "someone" kept getting further away everytime I came closer and closer. Utterly frustrating as it sounds, the entire episode was played out in a subconscious state. It was one of those bouts where you are pulled into it a 100 percent with no room to escape. On the other hand, the entire incident to an extent was real. I hated to admit it, but somethings I just couldn't let go, and neither chuck it away to some cornet of my heart hoping it will gradually decompose. Honestly, it has never been this hard before; question is why now?!!?

I'm nearing the final corner of my marathon; a marathon that taught me many things about life, changed my perspectives, broadened my thinking, and reformed my soul to an extent. It was one of God's small mercies bestowed upon me, and hope I carried out my duty to the full.

Although, I advocate rational thinking and actions, there are times I wish they didn't exist. Fostering and nurturing my rational ideology has come at the cost of ignoring my feelings, or better yet, my heart!! I feel now that I should have said the things which I wanted to in the past. My cardiac pressure chamber has compressed a Himalaya of feelings without letting it all out; I cant afford to compress anymore. In the end people are subjected to circumstance and so many other factors that go along with it. What a bitch!!! I only want to say what I want and be done with it, but that's easier said than done.

Everything is coming into place: on Wednesday my programme at the NGO will finish, and Thursday will be my final day in office. I'm not sentimental about leaving the NGO, rather relieved. I've sent all my books and other stuff by cargo last week. Now its just to hop into the plan and wait for the take, and let's not forget the landing.

But I still can't forget that "someone" from my head..........