One Word Description

If I were to describe myself in one word, at the moment, nothing would be far more true than what you see below..

Also, feel free to imagine my forehead engraved with the spellings, L-O-S-E-R!! Hell, I might as well wear a t-shirt and walk everywhere because it doesn't matter anymore. If I were another person looking at myself, I would definitely say "you suck!!" It's better telling it to yourself rather than having somebody else smack it in your face.

What's going on with me?

Well, it has been a year since I graduated, and I'm still not off the blocks. I was reminded of it when my mum made a remark of it in passing.

I'm hanging by less than a thread now, and not in high spirits at all.

I'm avoiding people and any social gathering because of fear; fear of being asked things like "so.. what are you doing now?" or "hey, which company are you in?" For an outgoing person I've turned a complete 360- meet people if its essential and get the hell out of there.

Dammit, I'm so sick and tired of repeating myself over and over and over again!!

I haven't shaved since my last interview (roughly more than 2 weeks ago), and got no intention of shaving anytime soon either. This beard on my face would probably make me unrecognisable to some, but that's ok with me. I just cant be that chatty right now.

Looking back at the past, it makes me wonder if all the things I did count for nothing. That means all of what I've done and achieved is merely hopeless. It is most definitely a bitter pill and swallow it I must.

All those times I pushed myself, thinking of better things to come, has not happened. Making sacrifices at this point sounds like rubbish.

They say you should have patients, but people should have also said when to kick it in the ass and give up. Its my fuckin' problem and I need to deal with it; thing is, I don't know how I'll change when I come out of it..

Weary Spirit

As I lay on my bed last Saturday recovering from post-event exertion -something seldom after having left school- it felt good to have such a feeling. Aching feet, sore joints and worn-out muscles all encased by a cocoon of satisfaction!! Yes, it felt the same....feeling of a project successfully completed. The only difference being all the project members were old boys of school. But even then, there was no segregation just because you were younger; everyone was on a "machang" level. One thing you should remember (a cardinal rule) is a senior old boy can call you "machang", but it shouldn't happen the other way. Lets just say that it wont stand in your favour for long.

I was in charge of food at the event and we realised at lunch time that there is a shortfall. Reason for it was, we hadn't taken into account the participants from the Armed Forces. The schools got snacks while the Forces requested for rice. Talk about heart-burn!! After a few minutes of reckless panicking and heart palpitations I instructed the committee to order more rice packs- everything under control. Food is the most crucial and highly critiqued element at most events, and this was no exception. All in all, my duty was carried out efficiently and I made an impression with the senior old boys, that's good enough for me.

The day before this (Friday) as I was on my way to check preparations at school, a mother and two daughters boarded my bus. Soon after they were seated the trio started talking in Malay!! And I was just wide eyed trying not to stare at them, because it hit a sentimental note in me. Here we are trying to revive the local Malay language thinking people hardly use it, but some don't fall into that group. The trio being women were talking in slightly high pitched voices and all the others inside the bus were trying to figure out what these women were on about. I found it amusing, and for once didn't mind the high pitched tones. It was like an unexpected present.

People inside the bus were looking at each other, some with frowns on their faces which turned into expressions of giving-up later as they had no clue. I was sitting next to one of them, so I understood every word of it. It sort of had a cult feeling in the bus, because to them only they could understand it, and including me it was 4.

Looks like we have not lost all hope yet!! The tunnel is dark at present, but I'm certain we can at least see a streak of light at its end.

The Four Gentlemen

Throughout my life until now I have seldom received many presents or gifts. But the term and definition of 'presents/gift' have a misconstrued meaning in my vocabulary which strays away from the norm. I consider all that I have on a daily basis as gifts, well, others reading this would assume that's the next best thing. I mean, gifts came my way rarely and I got used to not expecting it too. Emak always reminds me to think of those who don't even have what I do; that is very true in all aspects.

Having said that, whenever I did get a gift it has been very special or quite significant. And one such gift is "The Four Gentlemen' given to me by a lecturer -who said "you were a joy to teach"- at uni after my graduation. She told me to come to her office and handed me a box. Then she said "when I read about this gift and its qualities, it reminded me of you". As I read the card inside the box, the feeling that came about was similar to an erupting volcano. Having taken 2 courses with her (results being an 'A' and an 'A-'), I was one of her star pupils; wording it as 'star' does sound good!!

The card read: The Four Gentlemen

Chinese art and literature refer to the plum blossom, orchid, bamboo and chrysanthemum collectively as the Four Gentlemen; what are considered their distinct qualities are seen as traits of a gentleman or scholar.

The plum blossom, able to withstand the cold of winter, symbolizes perseverance, courage and willpower.

Admired for its beauty and fragrance, the orchid represents a perfect cultured individual.

Bamboo is pliant yet strong, alluding to resilience and humility, its tall stem seeming to represent the pursuit of excellence.

The chrysanthemum is said to personify simplicity, honesty and perfection.

The Four Gentleman collection pays tribute to these virtues and ideals.

End.

I came across the card in my attache case, and read it, then realised that I would need these qualities more than ever. These are trying times indeed!!

Inadequacy

I have heard people saying some of the best things in life are free!! But you start to wonder what people consider as 'the best things in life'. I still can't put a finger on it, maybe I never will. To me, it hardly matters either. Objectively speaking I wish they never said such things. Because then you might try to not exert extra effort to actually procure what is best, wouldn't it?

At present, what I consider as 'best' is free- rain and darkness. It hardly costs me a cent. My fond fascination towards the dark is an acquired one after going abroad to study. I would switch off the lights in my cubicle and stare at the ceiling or out the window, for how long I knew not. I used that time to ponder, reflect and self-evaluate my thoughts and feelings towards all that concerned me. This exercise kept me out of harms way right throughout. I'm proud of it. I understood what lied within my control, and what not; majority of it was not in my control.

All that while I constantly kept thinking about one thing. When will things get better? Like all rational humans, who think of progressing in their standard of life, I was one of them.

I like the dark because it has no pretenses; its not a shape shifter, nor is it artificial. What you see is what you get!! Why can't the world and people be like this?

Last night as I thought in the dark my gaze ascended towards the ceiling fan, its blades spinning in tandem, and with my imagination there appeared a vapour screen. Have I told you of my excellent visualisation skills? Well, now you know. I have this weird yet satisfying ability to re-live the past inside my mind. I remember many things vividly which means recalling it is quite fast. I have gone back to school, uni, hostel and anywhere else by merely closing my eyes. Coming back to the vapour screen, I saw flashes of the past like in still-images that moved with the fan blades; never the same image twice. I wish there was an 'edit' button for many fell into that category, but now there's no point.

Dealing with the notion of being inadequate is very tough. You keep asking yourself over and over again the question- why me?!? If there be a way to rip it out and discard it in a dump, I'd gladly do it, but feelings had to be intangible!! Damn it.