Parental Paranoia

There are some things that just have the ability to shake you up to the core, and one such incident happened to me on Wednesday. That evening after coming home from work my parents said they wanted to talk to me. So, as usual I thought it had something to do with a house matter and casually sat down to talk. Then, dad asked me straight "Do you want to get married?", to which I was speechless for some seconds after which I replied "No".

Apparently, this reaction had taken effect due to a picture of me being printed in a magazine of a Sunday newspaper. In that picture a girl whom I knew had her arm on my shoulder. Just to clarify her arm was on my shoulder and not around it. This occurred a few months back, but looks like its vibrations have only reached me now. In my defense, there was nothing much I could do about the whole thing because it all happened within a matter of seconds. I was invited to an event by her and there she met a friend -working for the Sunday newspaper- who took the picture. It has in some way caused a multiplier effect which is not making me feel at ease.

The situation is getting quite intense over here. Also, I have no intention in staying quiet. It happens that I'm vulnerable to people who want to ensnare me into "compromising situations"- the name given to my newspaper fiasco. I told them in plain English that I couldn't help how others were in their ways, and as far as things go I'm only concerned of myself. I mean, I cant stop people from all the wrong things their doing now, can I? It so happens that mum wants to be careful of "scheming" women, and only God knows what that means.

I can't imagine how women can discriminate and be biased towards other women?!? Its something I'll never figure out.

One thing is clear, that being my mum is not in touch with reality. She said morality should be the same whatever the time period people live in. Although, I would like to agree on that idea its not the reality. Morality is such a skewed idea in this modern day that many people don't know right from wrong. My belief is that she thinks that my character is weak therefore, I might do something stupid or immature. I can't tell her things like I turned down a one-night stand a few years back, or that I'm very cautious most of the time. That would just escalate matters even further!!

**************

Yesterday, I went to a gathering of Malays in the outskirts of Colombo. I was invited... well, lets just say you have to buy a ticket. While staying in queue for the food I saw this girl who reminded me of the girls in my uni; her attire was such that I made a very fast association. Plus, I was inquisitive to know who it was. Then, lo and behold, after sometime I see her dancing with her friends with many gyrating moves. Being dumbstruck in such a situation is a definite understatement. A girl in a scarf dancing in public is just ironic at any level (this is not being sexist!!), but to add to it her family was watching from a distance.

All I could think was how could her family members approve such a behaviour? A scarf in her sense unfortunately didn't have the desired impact as it should have. It was only a piece of garment worn without knowing its deeper meaning to which I feel sorry for her, and more so her family members. She even did a solo performance on request by the compere which drew many eyes because this time the dance floor was brightly lit compared to before. I'm not saying that I'm better as a Muslim, its just that it was shocking to many people who were there as well.

At times like these, I think a woman without a scarf with better decorum would win in comparison as against this girl wearing the scarf.

End of story...

A Hush-Hush World

My life at present revolves around work and constant thoughts as to how I can rise up the corporate ladder. It's important to absorb aspects that are within your job description while making sure your performance is up to par or above. You realise that throughout all these you deal with people who are very complicated in all aspects, and certainly not rational as theory states.

While returning from lunch with some guys of my team another group were outside the office premises discussing about a work related matter. We were invited to join in the conversation since it involved the entire team. Taking a risky decision is given the Sinhala term "bella thiyanawa" (roughly translated to sticking ones neck out), thus that issue was solved. Then the conversation switched to the demise of a co-worker's relative whose family information/background is a bit sordid. Due to its sensitive nature I have to leave a lot of it out. But I can say this, if ever a local segment of 'The Bold & the Beautiful' were to be made those material would make the list, definitely. The term "girlfriend" is also given women having affairs with married and/or divorced men. Well...the world ain't a rosy place after all. My supervisor got confused with trying to connect the link of a certain relationship, which another had to repeat a few times.

In technical terms I've never had 'real' relationship, because in my opinion a 3 month long-distance affair doesn't count. I also figured out why I have a liking for love stories which are very passionate and full of drama- its because I'm sure to a great extent of not experiencing such a situation. The highlight was breaking it off while on an IM session with the words "its not you, its me", which even to a novice like me was hard to accept. So, after that incident I've steered away from women given the exceptional incident of Ms.X that is now history. Ironically, I was quite angry with how things had turned out that I shut myself off from everything. It was a stupid move on my part, and blame cannot rest solely on her. Amidst all that happening I still managed to make the Dean's List that semester, how about that?!?

Why am I writing about an incident that is dead and buried? Its because I came across all the e-mails we wrote to each other yesterday in an old folder of my inbox while searching for a password. Its still there in that folder which I plan to delete soon as possible. In spite of what happened we still talk to each other, and she is set to get married as per her plan. I happened to be the casualty which would have made her plan not possible; that meant I had to go. Looking back now, I'm relieved of not having to worry about the pressure of an impending marriage coupled with family responsibility.

Guess things and events have a hidden wisdom that is unique to them...

30 Days Past...

It has been a month since I began my new job, which is a completely different field to what I'm used to. Nevertheless, I find it very interesting and in any new thing there lies a learning experience. It gets quite hectic at times with having to meet certain deadlines that make you do long hours, but in comparison to my former job there are many supportive people. In considering group dynamics, my team consists mostly of those speaking Sinhala and fluency of the Queen's language is lacking, but it doesn't matter. They are a lively bunch all the time, full of life, laughter and smiles. I have no problem in terms of interacting with them since my language skills are quite good.

The culture and environment is unique in its own way, not to be outdone by the people who make it so. I'm still a rookie here, so its better to keep a low profile, not to mention having a cousin working in the same company. Only a handful of people know of this fact and I intend to keep it that way. One thing I realised is past Muslims who had been part of the team had not maintained a better precedent for those that would follow suit. Well, let's just stay that most "Muslims" were not so up to the mark as they should have been. Malays don't have a positive image amongst my team either. They think I'm Moor, which made it able to feel the pulse of those around me. I heard stories of Malays they knew who were into boozing, eating pork and every bad thing under the sun. At that point I didn't defend my race because to an extent its all true. Plus, I liked being thought a "Moor" giving me an advantage in trying to pick their brains.

Stereotypes are created easily when a small group of people is judged upon their actions, and then its framed on the entire community. I know its unfair, but what can you do? That's how the world works, sadly. I even had a lame fight with a person regarding this, and I was just dragged into it. I had no idea what all the fuss was about.

From today, emak is in hospital to undergo a minor surgery. It was only 4 days ago that my parents celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary. 26 years is like a major achievement in this modern day when most marriages crumble after a few years. I just hope everything goes well during the surgery, and she gets better soon.

I must also make effort to blog often, because its one of my ways to let things out. As times goes things would obviously become more hectic, complex and complicated. I just hope God will give me strength to carry on through all the trials ahead.

To start anew

I started new beginning a week before completing a year after returning to my homeland isle. It was a significant incident for me because I could overcome my mental slump. It's true that I was not feeling so well, but things took a change for the better.

The company in which I started work is one of the highly reputed firms dealing in the apparel industry. Getting the job without using any influence is also very significant for me as well. Its not that I couldn't, but instead chose not to. So, things are kind of looking good so far.

My supervisor and team are very supportive; something that was not a factor at my previous work place. My first week was quite hectic and normally Friday's happen to the busiest (so much for TGIF!!). In spite of it, I find the work actually quite interesting since its not my usual discipline. I'm in a completely different industry to which I had some prior insecurities, but a week past things don't look so bad. The manager who interviewed me was from a rival school and told me how impressed he was with my CV. At the first interview he said "you just had me at hello!! And I like you"- talk about a morale booster. He also said "my only worry is how can we keep a person like you interested with us in time to come." I got the feeling that he was concerned of me leaving the company for a better offer. Despite that, he put faith in me for which I'm very grateful.

There is a sense of expectation and I'm very determined not to disappoint anyone. I have a lot to prove to myself that I'm up to anyone's expectations. My previous employement fiasco does nothing but haunt my memory.

Bottoms up to a new start!! :)

One Word Description

If I were to describe myself in one word, at the moment, nothing would be far more true than what you see below..

Also, feel free to imagine my forehead engraved with the spellings, L-O-S-E-R!! Hell, I might as well wear a t-shirt and walk everywhere because it doesn't matter anymore. If I were another person looking at myself, I would definitely say "you suck!!" It's better telling it to yourself rather than having somebody else smack it in your face.

What's going on with me?

Well, it has been a year since I graduated, and I'm still not off the blocks. I was reminded of it when my mum made a remark of it in passing.

I'm hanging by less than a thread now, and not in high spirits at all.

I'm avoiding people and any social gathering because of fear; fear of being asked things like "so.. what are you doing now?" or "hey, which company are you in?" For an outgoing person I've turned a complete 360- meet people if its essential and get the hell out of there.

Dammit, I'm so sick and tired of repeating myself over and over and over again!!

I haven't shaved since my last interview (roughly more than 2 weeks ago), and got no intention of shaving anytime soon either. This beard on my face would probably make me unrecognisable to some, but that's ok with me. I just cant be that chatty right now.

Looking back at the past, it makes me wonder if all the things I did count for nothing. That means all of what I've done and achieved is merely hopeless. It is most definitely a bitter pill and swallow it I must.

All those times I pushed myself, thinking of better things to come, has not happened. Making sacrifices at this point sounds like rubbish.

They say you should have patients, but people should have also said when to kick it in the ass and give up. Its my fuckin' problem and I need to deal with it; thing is, I don't know how I'll change when I come out of it..

Weary Spirit

As I lay on my bed last Saturday recovering from post-event exertion -something seldom after having left school- it felt good to have such a feeling. Aching feet, sore joints and worn-out muscles all encased by a cocoon of satisfaction!! Yes, it felt the same....feeling of a project successfully completed. The only difference being all the project members were old boys of school. But even then, there was no segregation just because you were younger; everyone was on a "machang" level. One thing you should remember (a cardinal rule) is a senior old boy can call you "machang", but it shouldn't happen the other way. Lets just say that it wont stand in your favour for long.

I was in charge of food at the event and we realised at lunch time that there is a shortfall. Reason for it was, we hadn't taken into account the participants from the Armed Forces. The schools got snacks while the Forces requested for rice. Talk about heart-burn!! After a few minutes of reckless panicking and heart palpitations I instructed the committee to order more rice packs- everything under control. Food is the most crucial and highly critiqued element at most events, and this was no exception. All in all, my duty was carried out efficiently and I made an impression with the senior old boys, that's good enough for me.

The day before this (Friday) as I was on my way to check preparations at school, a mother and two daughters boarded my bus. Soon after they were seated the trio started talking in Malay!! And I was just wide eyed trying not to stare at them, because it hit a sentimental note in me. Here we are trying to revive the local Malay language thinking people hardly use it, but some don't fall into that group. The trio being women were talking in slightly high pitched voices and all the others inside the bus were trying to figure out what these women were on about. I found it amusing, and for once didn't mind the high pitched tones. It was like an unexpected present.

People inside the bus were looking at each other, some with frowns on their faces which turned into expressions of giving-up later as they had no clue. I was sitting next to one of them, so I understood every word of it. It sort of had a cult feeling in the bus, because to them only they could understand it, and including me it was 4.

Looks like we have not lost all hope yet!! The tunnel is dark at present, but I'm certain we can at least see a streak of light at its end.

The Four Gentlemen

Throughout my life until now I have seldom received many presents or gifts. But the term and definition of 'presents/gift' have a misconstrued meaning in my vocabulary which strays away from the norm. I consider all that I have on a daily basis as gifts, well, others reading this would assume that's the next best thing. I mean, gifts came my way rarely and I got used to not expecting it too. Emak always reminds me to think of those who don't even have what I do; that is very true in all aspects.

Having said that, whenever I did get a gift it has been very special or quite significant. And one such gift is "The Four Gentlemen' given to me by a lecturer -who said "you were a joy to teach"- at uni after my graduation. She told me to come to her office and handed me a box. Then she said "when I read about this gift and its qualities, it reminded me of you". As I read the card inside the box, the feeling that came about was similar to an erupting volcano. Having taken 2 courses with her (results being an 'A' and an 'A-'), I was one of her star pupils; wording it as 'star' does sound good!!

The card read: The Four Gentlemen

Chinese art and literature refer to the plum blossom, orchid, bamboo and chrysanthemum collectively as the Four Gentlemen; what are considered their distinct qualities are seen as traits of a gentleman or scholar.

The plum blossom, able to withstand the cold of winter, symbolizes perseverance, courage and willpower.

Admired for its beauty and fragrance, the orchid represents a perfect cultured individual.

Bamboo is pliant yet strong, alluding to resilience and humility, its tall stem seeming to represent the pursuit of excellence.

The chrysanthemum is said to personify simplicity, honesty and perfection.

The Four Gentleman collection pays tribute to these virtues and ideals.

End.

I came across the card in my attache case, and read it, then realised that I would need these qualities more than ever. These are trying times indeed!!

Inadequacy

I have heard people saying some of the best things in life are free!! But you start to wonder what people consider as 'the best things in life'. I still can't put a finger on it, maybe I never will. To me, it hardly matters either. Objectively speaking I wish they never said such things. Because then you might try to not exert extra effort to actually procure what is best, wouldn't it?

At present, what I consider as 'best' is free- rain and darkness. It hardly costs me a cent. My fond fascination towards the dark is an acquired one after going abroad to study. I would switch off the lights in my cubicle and stare at the ceiling or out the window, for how long I knew not. I used that time to ponder, reflect and self-evaluate my thoughts and feelings towards all that concerned me. This exercise kept me out of harms way right throughout. I'm proud of it. I understood what lied within my control, and what not; majority of it was not in my control.

All that while I constantly kept thinking about one thing. When will things get better? Like all rational humans, who think of progressing in their standard of life, I was one of them.

I like the dark because it has no pretenses; its not a shape shifter, nor is it artificial. What you see is what you get!! Why can't the world and people be like this?

Last night as I thought in the dark my gaze ascended towards the ceiling fan, its blades spinning in tandem, and with my imagination there appeared a vapour screen. Have I told you of my excellent visualisation skills? Well, now you know. I have this weird yet satisfying ability to re-live the past inside my mind. I remember many things vividly which means recalling it is quite fast. I have gone back to school, uni, hostel and anywhere else by merely closing my eyes. Coming back to the vapour screen, I saw flashes of the past like in still-images that moved with the fan blades; never the same image twice. I wish there was an 'edit' button for many fell into that category, but now there's no point.

Dealing with the notion of being inadequate is very tough. You keep asking yourself over and over again the question- why me?!? If there be a way to rip it out and discard it in a dump, I'd gladly do it, but feelings had to be intangible!! Damn it.

Where do I go from here??

It's a situation that has boomeranged on me numerous times. This situation, a feeling of utter disappointment and despair sticks to me like a leech. I had hopes of turning things around when I arrived back home. Despite these hopes and almost close to a year it is evident that I'm incapable of securing a job.

I wonder if I was too hopeful and overly optimistic in thinking once I land at home things would be ok. To be very honest things have not gone well at all. In some aspects I'm making progress like in terms of the youth group; that alone is not good enough. In short, my career has hardly taken flight, and how much more ominous can things get?

I've switched modes and moods completely since last week. This job hunting exercise with its diplomacy, contacts and applications are wearing me down. To be honest I HATE IT!! I'm quite the veteran in maintaining moods and composure, but since lately I thought- screw it. Why hide it? If I want to be down in the dumps let it be so; at times masking emotions is not worth the effort. I'm fed up of the question "so....tell me about yourself" together with all the related questions that go with it. I've talked so much about myself that I find myself boring!! I mean wouldn't you? For a very outward and talkative chap that's nothing beyond depressing. I can hardly work up the stamina or the enthusiasm like before.

I have not shaved in close to 3 weeks because I don't feel like doing so. Neither am I keen on doing any other of my routine activities like going to the gym, blogging etc. For once I don't want to feel like I'm in control of the situation, then again, was I ever. I look like some street bum when I leave home with the only exception of having better clothes and shoes on me. I have intention of shaving anytime soon either.

There's an alumni function next week in which I'm part of the organising committee and I'm debating whether I should shave?!? Should I give a dignified appearance or go 'au naturel' saying to hell with it all. The latter idea sounds appealing, and sort of rebellious. I went for the progress meeting yesterday with a full-grown beard looking like a family man (my baldness adds to the effect too).

To say this is a test of my patience would be right, but can anyone hold on to it for so long? I fear I'm ending the end of my rope. Obviously, there's a sense of fear and insecurity of how it will affect me, and how well I can react to it. As I write this, even my thought process is going wonky not allowing me to get my ideas right.

I'm stopping here....I just can't do it anymore. So much for blogging eh?

Licker’s Republic

“Licker’s never change only Asses do”

– Sir John Kotelawala

Referring to our lovely island as a ‘Banana Republic’ should be done away with immediately because it has even gone beyond such a standard. To have realized that standards deteriorate quite fast is understandable given how events were unfolding, but I never expected it to go down a precipice. Administrators of this country have all shed their integrity, honour and shame for myopic gains, which I’m sure, will come to haunt them in this life time itself. Thus, I proclaim our land to be swarming with Licker’s: people who blindly support those in power in order to procure favours for themselves and their families, with little regard for what is just, and shamelessly justify their actions.

In all of this, who suffers the most? The ordinary man.

A murky past

Since the post-independence era most politicians have hijacked the sentiments and emotions of the people using it to further their own agenda. As a child of a politician, let’s get one thing clear- I HATE POLITICS. Gone are the days when politicians came forward with honest conviction to serve the state, alleviate people from the travesties of a bitter and harsh life; in a nutshell, to make a country a better place for all its citizens. Even though, I was not born then, the election campaign of S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike was a very cheap and communal minded one. I accept that Sinhala should be the national language, but I differ in terms of his methodology to execute it. I see it as a quick way to soften the hearts of the majority and get their votes. This incident, although small in nature caused a ripple effect in Sri Lanka, which lead to a communal uprising that lasted close to 30 years. I don’t blame the Tamils for being agitated, because suddenly they had to change everything in the blink of an eye, and that’s just not done. I admit Tamils had a right to make their voice heard, fight against the injustice caused; it however, will not justify them taking up arms and killing innocent people.

I wonder why S.W.R.D was killed by someone of his own race, and that too, a monk? S.W.R.D was a perfect opportunist. Born a Christian most of his life he converted to Buddhism because if not, who would vote for him to be PM? Let’s not kid ourselves since politics is far from egalitarian. Who you are, where you’re from, who you worship- it all matters!! I’ll tell you bluntly now that no Hindu, Muslim or Christian (even if he’s Sinhalese) will ever secure the top spot in this country; not even be Prime Minister as a consolation. The closest man to be offered (as far as I know) was the late M.H.M. Ashroff after the People’s Alliance (PA) lost the general election in 2000. If the SLMC had accepted, the PA could have formed a coalition government, instead Ashroff sided with the UNP; few months later his helicopter crashes into the mountain- you do the math.

How do I know such info? At that time, my father was one of the second-tier leaders of the SLMC; dubbed the ‘third force’ behind PA and UNP without whom a government couldn’t be formed by any single party.

On the trail

I have first-hand experience as to how campaigns are set in motion. I know areas within the Colombo District that are favourable towards each political party. I have been at election rallies and meetings organized to drum up support for candidates. At elections there is no language that exudes clarity like that of money. During the 90’s a candidate would supply food and drink to those who came to help him in his campaign. Later, other candidates started a culture of providing alcohol, drugs and whatever necessary to get the job done. Being a principled man my father did not endorse this new culture and neither did he allow it in his campaign. As time went on, candidates used people with tons of money to fund their campaigns promising them benefits once elected. Presently, the monies used at elections are mostly those gained by illegal activities, because no self-righteous man could possibly afford to spend (or rather waste) so much. To an extent even National List seats are given to some as a way of thanking them for their contribution to the party. Isn’t money politics such a whore?!?

Most often the deserving are not given their due place within the party. Frontline activists who sacrifice, toil and canvass the grass roots are recognized but seldom rewarded. But make no mistake that a loyal and good worker is forever called upon to support the party in any manner. That same fate came upon my father, and he decided to leave because there’s only so much of neglect a man can take.

Everyone for a ride

For decades politicos have toyed with the hopes and aspirations of the voters; promising things beyond the heavens which our gullible public have taken to hook, line and sinker! Now all that needs to be done is to show the illusion of these promised ‘carrots’ for people to salivate. Ignorance apart, I wonder how the common man lacks the slightest ounce of intelligence to compare and contrast the periods of rule of different governments.

At present people are swimming with the same current that started before the war. The current government keeps on harping on how they vanquished terrorism for which we, as a nation should be grateful. Am I to believe that because of this I’m indebted to vote for only one party from now on? I don’t think so. Eradicating threats faced by the people is the duty of the government, and why rulers are given the people’s mandate. I’m not prepared to pledge my endless loyalty come what may. Neither am I to say this endeavour could have been done by others. Time was on our side and so were the people willing to take a risk, and challenge external factors that hindered national interests and progress. For this all credit should go towards the government.

How to play the game

The incumbent president, being the politician that he is, has played this game with much finesse, poise and calculated strategy- kudos to him. Can anyone blame him for wanting to stay on in power? If thought rationally, once a person gets a taste of such power no one voluntarily relinquishes it. Also, there’s none powerful enough at the moment to scuttle his plans for greater power. They are all faithful to him at least for the time being.

Repercussions of the 18 Amendment will be felt by future generations, while there’s no guarantee that who will be in power. If the past is anything to by, the present government will also lose favour because pretty soon everyone would become arrogant of their feats. It will lead to wide spread abuse and exploitation of everything under the sun. The people would become unhappy and agitated with the rulers kicking them out of power. It’s only a speculation, but time will tell.

Until a noble, fair and just society prevails.... God save us all!!