A late bloomer takes his final bow

The results are out and everything is now over. All that remains are reflections of the times that used to be. I must say that I was on pins as the date came closer to see my results. On D-Day, I was trying to take everything easy, but there was a heightened sense of anxiety. Anxiety was rushing through my body like a Formula 1 Grand Prix. At the times it peaked, then later subsided, but never diminished. I remembered my goal beginning of the semester- to get my best results possible and get my highest gpa. I achieved my goal. I gave it all I had and spared nothing. Thus, no regrets.

There were a lot of wishes, especially from the family. News had even gone to an uncle working in KSA, which was a big surprise. He called me at the dead of night with such enthusiasm that it even blew me away. I'm not jumping for joy just yet. I know, results are good, but this is only the beginning. There is lots more to be done, to be achieved, to be learnt- much more. I like to keep a cool head and not drift into dreamland. My brother was startled to hear me say that I'm going to look for a job. He had assumed I would take a holiday first. Nope, none of that. I think 2 weeks is a good holiday. I feel my mind losing its edge a bit.

My only disheartening thought is how a first-class eluded me by 0.06. Now, that is a really thought provoking matter. I can only wonder where that 0.06 went, but I know the answer to it. But there is no point crying over spilt milk, is there??

I conclude with veni, vidi, vici :)

Balancing the scales

I have not been able to fall asleep for the past few days. I stay up for about an hour or more before actually dozing off. During that time I do my favourite exercise- thinking. Sometimes I think whether I'm thinking too much. It can't get any weird than this folks. For the past few days I have thought of only one major issue. What I have gained and forgone in the past 4 years of my life?? It didn't take much time to figure out what I had gained- intellect. Really simple. Then I moved on to what I had forgone- everything else. Before starting my degree I was content with my mediocre academic life. I didn't mind at all because the skills I had were not at all academic oriented. They were more towards co-curricular activities, thus I thought of myself as being street smart. I could do any project, know how to manage people and find the finances necessary to make it happen. I knew which companies and organisations were more supportive of my school, and those that employed past student (or as we call them 'old boys'). Academics hardly played a hand in my climb through student life, which was not a bother to me. To be honest, I was below average in my academics and I knew all too well about my potential. I did the wise thing of sticking to my strengths. In the end, I was one of the popular chaps in my batch, not to mention my name written on the school walls. I don't mean to sound all egoistic, but I achieved more than anyone who had gained academic excellence; going to university was not part of the plan.

Due to parental pressure I applied to university, at the same time getting a scholarship. Then I realised that I would have to up the ante. Being below average was not going to get me anywhere. Expectations also had to be met because they were made very explicit before I left home for the first time. To top it all off, emak told me that I could do better than had done and she has faith in me. From there onwards it was textbooks, assignments, quizzes, mid term and finals lasting 4 years. I remember studying like a freak (in a literal manner) in my first semester because it was a new paradigm for me. How else would you have me feel?? But the downside of being immersed in academics is you begin to have this sense of paranoia where everything is about your final grade. If even a quiz doesn't turn out the way you expect it to, rest assured there will be a panic session. Come to think of it, for the first time in my life I put studies ahead of everything else- even myself!! I kept saying to myself all the while- 'dude, this is not you!!' I said that for 4 long years, but stuck to my duty. I had an obligation, an amanah that had to be fulfilled. I wanted to make sure that I do my best. Give everything I've got. I look back at my academic road and I feel content. Content in the sense that I've improved significantly from below average to above average. Last time I checked my departmental ranking it was quite good. I was so impressed with myself. This is the only aspect of my life that has had any positive enhancement, while the rest deteriorated like oxides eating into metal.

Now we come to the interesting part, the part where I focus on all that I lost, or is in the process of losing. Technology hardly helped when it came to being in touch with my mates back home. Most of them have gone their separate ways, but I'm in touch with a close circle of friends. Then, I hardly know my nieces and nephews from my mothers side; we never had a lot of time. It's very embarrassing to me because I should know my family, there is no excuse for not knowing. When I talk about my fathers' side its more depressing because I'm supposed to have about 80+ cousins from which I have met only a handful. I really espouse the values that family is a very important component in my life both immediate and extended. I feel like a visitor in my own country whenever I return home. Frankly, it scares me a bit to reverse my lifestyle to adapt according to an economy that is in tatters. I have adapted so much to the Malaysian way of life that shedding the layers would be difficult. Out of the 4 years, I have stayed at home for a period of less than 4 months. At first I thought, it was only me, but that was incorrect. It is a regular occurrence with overseas students and workers alike according to one of my lecturers.

Then I move on to my non-existent social life. I really miss all the functions and events that I went to with my friends. There were sporting events, dramas, social gatherings, parties etc. I really feel devastated when recalling the only 'real' party that I attended was 4 years ago. I know, the word 'sad' would not to justice to describe my feeling. My idea of a party is people, music, food and lights!! I have been to many parties and seen many things, but one should know your limits. That's all I'm sayin!! The last drama I saw was sadly not up to par and direction was very poor. The only scene that made an impact was when the accused wife started shedding tears in the middle of a court marshal; that woke me up from bad-theatre slumber. I should to a post on my thespian activities in time to come.

Having said all that, a question still begs my answer. Is everything that you've given up worth it? Honestly, I don't know the answer. I hope nerdy is the new sexy!! But who am I kidding....I'm no nerd and don't see myself that way. I did what I had to do, what I was expected to do, and that's all there is to it. I rose to meet the challenge set forth and saw it through until the end, no matter what.

Blow me away

In the last few days I've watched a couple of videos on youtube. Most of it was related to Britain's got talent- season 3. I was simply amazed by this woman- Susan Boyle, and a 12 year old boy- Shaheen Jafargholi. The woman is in her late 40's and has the voice of a nightingale, while the boy is like a prodigy. I was simply amazed and could hardly believe my ears. I think talent shows are a good thing, but everything has limits. Too much of anything is bad. What people fail to realise is to be realistic when entering a talent show. I remember listening to Paul Potts a year back. My God, the voice and the person emitting it was so captivating I played his part over again many times. I dare not enter any talent show because my singing would shatter glass. I'd rather sing in the shower than in front of some judges waiting to scrutinise my 'performance.' But amongst friends I have no worries. Susan Boyle is tipped to be the next Paul Potts. Good luck to her on that!!

After exams, I had this song being whispered to me in my sleep. Every time I woke from bed it would still be ringing in my ears. All I heard was 2 verses to my knowledge; 'head under water' and 'breathe easy for awhile.' It kept happening for a few days continuously, but I paid it no heed. Then I tried to check it up on the internet. Eureka!! It was a song by a singer named Sara Bareilles. The funny thing about this whole episode is that I've never heard of the singer and neither the song. How bizarre isn't it?? I just didn't know how to explain it in a rational way. It didn't make sense. I'm still trying to figure out how that song got in my head, but in vain. Guess I will never know. Doesn't it kill you to bits when realisation dawns that somethings you will never know?? It does to me. Looks like I have singer who appeared in my subconscions.

I wonder what people normally do after they graduate?? I'd like to know.....just to make sure if I'm on the right track or not. Everyone's is asking someone else their next move. I guess its a trend like ask-your-friends-next-move conversation. I feel a bit jittery at moments, but optimism reigns. I'm looking forward to the results on 28. Please don't ask if I'm potty or going out of my mind, but that's what I feel at this point. I just pray it comes out well, Insha Allah. After that, it will be another cycle all over again. Wonder what is in store for me??

For you, a thousand times over

After reading 'The Kite Runner' I was in a daze of some sorts. Is it because the time was past 1.30 am, or any other reason I have no clue. Surely, I'm not a critic in literature, but one thing I learnt about the subject is how it makes a person feel. My literature teacher in high school -an atheist who only believed in the goodness of man- did a good job of hammering in the core of what literature should be. He despised all religions equally, and didn't give a damn about what his students thought about it. I learnt the baby steps of literature from him and also my tuition teacher later.

'The Kite Runner' has a little of something for every person who might take the time to read it. Love, loyalty, disappointment, heartache, disaster, regret, redemption and also romance; all neatly stitched into the fabric of the story. The irony was simply too good. It really was. The entire book was conjured up with a huge measure of irony, without it the book would not have had its due impact. I liked the character of Amir's father in what he stood for. Brave and strong without fear of anything.

Then comes Amir, the person I was too quick to judge a coward in the start. He is a coward and I'm sure he will remain so for the rest of his life. But he rose to the occasion to overcome his fear and fought it out. That I admire a great deal. Everyone knows that courage is not the absence of fear, but a sense of overcoming it. When he was lying in a hospital bed going in and out of consciousness, I knew how it must have felt. My grandmother had partial amnesia and she went back and forth from the present to the past, then to no memory at times. It was hard to jog her memory when it came to people. Even harder when trying to make her understand that her husband was no more alive. Emak found it stressful when she had to remind her own mother who she was. It took immeasurable amounts of patience from our part. At least in Amir's part he regained all his memory. Amir, in my view tried his level best to be the best he can be. That is what counts. Trying to make amends of his past, seeking forgiveness and redemption, trying to live up to his father's expectations is all good. But remembering God only on a necessity driven basis is not the way to live.

Hassan, the ever loyal friend and later to be half-brother of Amir. He suffered a lot injustice, but never spoke out against it. The demeanour and character of this person I envy. That kind of modesty and humility is hard to find indeed. His son Sohrab, like father like son. Cut from the same cloth. When reading the part of Sohrab describing how hopeless he felt and how he tried to commit suicide, my mind went back to 2005. In January that year, I went with an aid convoy to help tsunami victims in Hambantota. Our host there took us to his house and introduced a relative of his who was staying there. This man had lost his entire family -wife and 3 children- to the gigantic waves. I was only 19 then, but I remember how he just stared at us like he was mute. He hardly blinked and his eyes were that of a man that thought living to be futile. While our stay there he never uttered a word. Our host was on the edge thinking his man might take his own life. I don't know what became of him after that, only God knows. A person like Sohrab is one in a million.

Then we come to the romance in the novel emitted by Soraya. I wonder how a woman can add flavour to a novel or movie?? Without a lady its just not the same. Rather dull I suppose. I wish there had been a picture of Soraya in the book. Because sometimes words don't do justice to beauty, words cannot capture every aspect about a person in its totality. How sad it is not? How apt the saying: a picture speaks a thousand words. Ain't Amir one lucky son of a gun?!? One more thing is that Amir is a one woman man. On a personal level, I like that.

I like the reasoning behind the ritual of yelda. I had my yelda last Wednesday. I'm not sure if I can survive another one. I find it very intriguing on so many levels, but hard to put down in words. I also understood most of the words in farsi written in the book. Maybe its because I know a bit of hindi from watching movies. Then again, hindi has its roots in farsi, sanskrit and arabic. I think I like learning about languages!!

Balik kampung

Ever since my first visit to JB -way back in my first semester- I've always been fond of the place. JB is where I went to escape from all the routine headaches of university life. I felt re-energized the first time I came here because back then, I was still adapting. Adapting to an academic life that was alien to me mostly, but one I had undergo nonetheless. As time passed, I have come again and again to JB, and it still feels like the first time. Lovely and refreshing. It lets me clear a lot of things in my head, a change of environment, better food and a closer sense of belonging.

I got on a bus to JB on Saturday nearing mid-afternoon. I meant to leave earlier, but the bed beckoned to stay a few minutes longer before I depart. How could I say no such a request?? As we moved out of KL, I started to read the book from where I left off beginning of the semester- The Kite Runner. I was lost in the book and hardly felt the time pass. I travelled to San Jose, Kabul, Peshawar, then Fremont; visualised images of the author that were in print. Then from time to time gazed out of my window to see the palm trees in plain sight and the mountains yonder. I looked the opposite way and saw clouds floating to a borderless sky. A thought crossed my mind- what if I could be a cloud. It might sound absurd, even delusional, but to me it was quite appealing. Clouds are so light, can take many shapes, go anywhere they wish. I was so engrossed in the book that I didn't even eat lunch when the bus stopped. Just hopped out to get a drink and came straight back to continue reading. I tried to imagine if a Sri Lankan were to write a novel like this. I daresay, it would be one hell of a tale depending on the writer's perception of war. There would be bias, of course, and a cocktail of personal trauma, grief, animosity etc. Condition of the bus was very poor, it didn't even have a foot rest. To make things a bit more exciting, whenever the bus started to accelerate the shocks would make a squeaking noise positively related to increase in speed. Oh joy, it felt like going on one of those kids rides.

I still have to finish the book, which will take about a day or so.

My holiday is going great thus far. The food is blowing my mind not to mention my senses as well. The mango chutney today sent me to another dimension beyond wordy description. It really feels good to get out of the 'boring' hostel life. I am ready for something new now, something more exciting and challenging. From now on it doesn't have to be about lecturers, carry marks, mid terms or assignment. But that does not mean there is less responsibility.

I am quite disappointed with the fellows in my faculty. Saying the word 'disappointed' would be an understatement of the highest order. We are supposed to be equipped with managerial skills, but apparently no one had the idea of organising a graduation party. In my defence, all I can say is that I'm a international student, thus having no say in the matter- or any matter. I mean why couldn't we even do a lame one?? From my previous experience: lame is what we aimed for!! well, it's over now so let's just let it go.

This shit is crazy!!

One thing about the Arabs that I've learnt is that they have a lot of money- thats it. Apart from money these folk hardly have any brains, quite sorry to say. Arabs were once intelligent and gave the world a lot of knowledge, but all that has evaporated into thin air. Where all that knowledge went, only God knows. The following clip is very daring and at the same time scary no doubt, but what's the point? The only positive thing I see about it is the roads in Saudi are very smooth. I think Arabs are the most money wasting people alive. At least, it is good to know they can improvise something. Maybe these people can get creative in solving the Middle East conflict!?! Hmm, I can only wonder.

The Unofficial Graduate

It has been ages since I last posted an entry on my blog. I’m quite sure that it’s full of digital cobwebs and soot accumulating a few weeks. The past few weeks were really hectic and took lot of strength to pull through. Physical and mental strain was intertwined like a vine wrapped around a tree. But this semester was the final mile; there would not be another like it. I made up my mind from the start to give it all I had. To my elation many aspects regarding academia went my way, which was a blessing. Of course, there were a few dry spells, but overall my final semester was satisfactory. Even Arabic went well in the end.

Once when bapa called asking how the prep was going for finals, I said only one thing- “I’m firing on all cylinders.” In my head I wanted to achieve the best results this semester. Every possible minute detail told me that I was on the right track. A lot of things felt calmer than usual, and there was an air of confidence that never existed. It was like standing alone in an open plain with sunlight warming your skin, and the wind cooling it simultaneously. There was a sense of balance I never felt before. Now, all that remains is the exam results to know for sure if all the effort was worth it.

As for being a graduate, there is hardly an altered set of emotions one feels. I remember walking out of the exam hall on 12th April with the same amount of emotion as all my past exams. The only fact that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt was that, I would not be sitting for another final exam. It didn’t make a colossal difference at the time. There was so sudden rush of euphoria that caused an emotional outburst, nor was there sounds of a choir chanting 'halleluiah'. The more I say to people of my current status, the more pressure builds up within thinking of my impending future. So, I’ve decided to stick around in M’sia and search for employment due my motherland going down the economic precipice. It is very much in a bog that would not be solved for quite some time. The other thing is I would have be reverse my style of living all over again if I go to the motherland- more about that some other time.

Since I have finished my exams, I have not been doing anything that is productive. I must say that it feels really great!! I mean, who would want to do anything remotely related to anything that is productive. It’s been a very consistent line of drama series’, movies, documentaries etc; not to mention ample time for sleeping. It feels good in the short run, but will definitely not do in the time to come. Like they say- ‘an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’

I accidentally bumped into Ms. X on the way to the immigration office in uni yesterday. For all those curious folk, I only meet Ms. X by accident- period. Unless of course, there is a gathering in which she is to attend, but has not happened in ages. I have realised early on of my ability to block or phase of certain situations of my life whenever needed. But the downside of it is that when I remember whatever that I’ve phased out it’s hard to forget it. I shouldn’t be saying this, but what the hell; it’s not like I’ve got anything to lose, or do I?? Seeing her in a track suit made me chuckle a fair deal and I would use one word to describe it- sporty and cute. So, I used two words- sue me!! After that unexpected encounter I let myself drift into dreamland where seldom anything ‘real’ happens. I fear that this bit of info is too much as it. The last thing I want is a barrage of questions directed towards me from various parties. That will no doubt leave me in the ‘hot’ seat.