Hold me and never let go

Post-traumatic notions have somewhat been lifted to an extent after the dreadful incident, although I still wish it all ahd been a bad dream. Upon further inspection, my friend had lost some USD and S'pore Dollars, and I, my only watch. We're trying to put all behind us now, but there is a constant sense of fear in our house. It's because we couldn't for sure figure out how the thief got in, and the only logical explanation is from the ceiling since there was no break-in. At times the tension becomes all too comical. Like yesterday night, after returning from an aimless gallivant I realised my friend (the third guy) had a knife stashed next to him. I only saw it when I went behind him because his posture -leaning fully stretched on the floor- covered all visibility of the object. Both of us inquired why and he said he had heard noise and kept the knife near him as a precaution. The way he said it made as roar for a good 5 to 7 minutes. Amidst many bad phases throughout the years, the three of us have managed to laugh too. How about that?!!?

The one person that gave me heart through all this was mum. During a video call my entire face was drooping to the floor, not to mention wrinkled and stressed out. She spoke to me in her usual tone, all calm and collected, full of advice. She told me not to look so sad and to smile because it made her son look good. Then she messaged me Holy verses, here's one of them: We will surely test you through some fear, hunger, and loss of money, lives, and crops. Give good news to the steadfast (2:155). At that time, I wished she was near me to rest my head on her lap, and just take comfort in her words thinking everything will be ok. Her words mean a lot to me, especially when she's the only one who keeps 3 men close together. She understands us, knows how we behave, what to say at any given time, our likes and dislikes, plus a whole lot more. She told that I'm a good listener than my brother who has little time to listen, and quite outgoing (the latter is true, but not sure about the former one). What she said to me 5 years ago before coming to M'sia still ring in my ears; she sat next to me and while patting my head whispered "I know you haven't done well in your studies in school, but I always believe that you can do better....because I have faith in you." Those words kept me going through uni, through rain and shine, lifting my sagging spirits from time to time. God bless my mum because she makes me be a better man. She knows just what to say, and to have that ability is nothing short of a psychic.

Convo is around the corner, but I don't feel like jumping for joy, or should I?!? All of my recent entries must be sounding bloody ominous, right?? I just want to get the whole thing over with since its considered an important milestone in ones life. My parents are flying in, so that itself proves how big a deal it really is. Currently, I'm re-evaluating all of my future moves due to a few pressing matters back home. I have no intention of idling away doing nothing, life is too short for all that. Insha Allah, I will have a clear picture after convo, after a thorough discussion with mum and dad. Until then, I can only wait.

How much worse can it really get?!!?

The past 24 hours has been the worst in my life on foreign soil. Yesterday, around 10.40pm I got a call from my roomie with the news of our house being burgled. The thief had taken my office laptop and my friends' digital camera. I thought at first it was some sort of a hoax, but then it was not so. It a matter of seconds everything went from happy to depressed. I was in a cheery mood coming to my relatives house in JB after a night of shopping, not to mention getting a hair-cut with a very relaxing massage. Raya was very intoxicating, thus I was already high with the festive mood. After a phone call with my boss this afternoon, who queried why I kept my laptop at home; he further went to say even he doesn't keep valuable things in his house. What kind of bullshit is that?? If you can't keep valuables in your house, then where else?? One thing is for sure though, money for the laptop will come out of my pocket.

As related by my friend, there were no signs of forced entry, everything looked the same as they had left it before leaving the place. Upon their return nothing was out of place except for the missing laptop, digital camera, and a ransacked suitcase belonging to my roomie who lost the camera. All suspect that the thief would have descended from the ceiling because there is no other way of entering the apartment. Height would be around 8-9ft from ceiling to floor, which means the thief is very agile in scaling such heights. The best part is even the police couldn't figure out how the thief got in!!! Talk about effective crime fighting, eh?

I could hardly sleep a wink last night, only sleep deprivation forced shut my eyes after Subah prayers. That entire time I was thinking how to fix this situation, better yet, why does shitty occurrences like this seem to revolve around me?? On Thursday -the day I was to arrive in JB- I left home 2 hours ahead of my departure time, but still missed the bus. Traffic from Chow Kit to Masjid Jamek was crawling at a snails pace, add to that the stupid decisions drivers make when stuck in a jam which exacerbated the whole situation. I had 30min to make it from Pudu to Bukit Jalil, and how wrong I was in my estimation since the bus driver took 15min out of that to fill the bloody bus. Finally, nearing Bukit Jalil it started to pour like that area previously had a drought and this rain would bring it back to life. Wet and thoroughly soaked, I made it to my designated bus terminal only to find out the best buss is in another hour. Hearing that I felt a bit happy because, obviously who wouldn't?!!? But nothing works out like its supposed to, so I actually got on board around 7.30pm after buying food for ifthar, that too, I had to make a second trip in the rain. This is my most eventful balik kampung so far!!

In the end, I was happy that I at least got a seat in another bus and got to JB safety. From hereon it was all going to a jolly time. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG!!!

I have been constantly and consistently tested by God since my graduation like never before. I took everything in good stride, not even doubting for a moment the infinite wisdom of God. Oh my Merciful Lord, I am holding on by a thread, this is becoming too much to bear. I kept on looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but instead of seeing the light only darkness prevails. I need to be optimistic, I know that, then again when bad luck keeps on kicking your ass there has be a time-out. God, forgive me what I'm going to do now.

I curse the thief who stole from my friend and I because we never took what belonged to others. I curse you with every ounce of hurt that lingers in my heart. I hope you lose all that you have and more, accumulated from all those you have stolen from previously.

Oooiiii......come back here!!!

On the eve of my b'day, I was looking forward to doing a full 20 rakaths for taraweeh and sleeping for the night at the 'garden' mosque. One thing I like is that the 'garden' mosque cannot be equalled by another in terms of recitation. But my friends had other ideas like going to a friends apartment in Jalan Ipoh. I had to give in because they were all in agreement, thus after 8 rakaths we left the mosque. Nothing much happened that night except for talking about a few random things. I was startled when all the guys trooped in front me and shouted "HAPPY B'DAY!!"

Then I looked at my watch and said to myself...... "hmmmmmm, so it is." Time 12.40am.

I don't remember what happened beyond that point because I dozed off rather suddenly. From where I got that sudden sleepy breeze, I really don't know. Woke up for sahur, prayed, then slept again to only wake up past noon. During the times I was awake most of it were spent on reflection. The results are....

• I have not managed to secure a proper job after graduating from university.
• All of my efforts in achieving a class and not to mention a department ranking have been in vain.
• My immediate graduate life is nothing worth celebrating or jumping for joy.
• I have no idea about my next move and thus at crossroads.
• I am seriously evaluating the rationale behind why people do somethings that they do.
• Other guys were more excited about my b'day than I was, which was very strange.
• Everything around me seems to hang by a thread, and a small jolt is enough to upset the whole apple cart.
• There is more but I doubt my ability to stomach it all.

The guys wanted to buy somethings because a few were are going home for Eid. Others who weren't going had already made plans to send things through their friends. It all started when a friend sealed a deal to buy a shoe only to find out the pair brought later was a size smaller. Then he promised the seller that he would return after ifthar to buy the shoe, and all of us left China Town from the rear. After ifthar, we entered China Town the same way, from the rear, then my friend got a better deal on the same pair of shoes. While sealing the deal with this other chap the earlier seller happened to come and notice us there. Obviously, he would have been pissed off, anyone would. As we were walking away after my friend had bought the shoe, the rejected seller came behind us shouting to stop. It later escalated into an argument, which we all thought may turn ugly. So, none of us put our two cents into their argument. It's was a sensible decision my friend took in not talking back to this guy because he was really looking to start a fight. My friend started walking away while the Chinese dude started yelling profanities, and a for few minutes we were the centre of attention. If my friend had got hit, then we would have to go to his aid, which will also prompt other sellers to do the same. End result will for sure have been 5 seriously injured foreigners, one celebrating his b'day, ending up in a hospital. Talk about an eventful b'day, huh?!!?

I was relieved to reach home since I had just escaped being seriously injured, or maybe even killed. I only wanted to sleep and wake up for sahur the next morning. When I pulled out my mattress I felt it being a little damp, then on closer inspection found out most of it was wet. That's what happens when you leave your mattress near an open window exposed to the elements, which in this case happened to be the rain. It ended my blissful hopes of going into slumber.

After mignight on the 13, two friends came to our place and that resulted in me playing cards into the wee hours of September 14. I mean, its not like you can tell them to go because you want to sleep!! After having sahur at Idaman I came back home to pray and just went to sleep on the floor- desperate times call for desperate measures, or so they say. Sleeping for about 205min is hardly refreshing, but you can't give that excuse to your boss. Most of yesterday was spent in replying to all the wall posts on fb- a total of 125!! That sort of made me feel good, I think, but can't be certain though.

Today at 5.30am a friend called from home base, a surprise in no small way, and perfect timing too since no one had woken up for sahur. During the call, lasting about 40min, I managed to eat a few dates and drink some water. I told him of my situation, plans, close encounters, depressing moments and much more; so did he. I must say that was a nice way to start off the day.

Here I am then........ 24 years on with nothing of value to show. Shit!!!

Like a bowl of porridge....

This Tuesday was the first time I didn't wake up for sahur, or shall I say woke up at 6am. When I looked at the time my eyes were immediately awake, not an ounce of drowsiness. Better yet, none of my roomies woke up either, which was utterly even more shocking. But there was nothing I could do except pray and get on with the day's work. Surprisingly though, I got through the day in better condition than most days I ate for sahur. It must be the hand of God easing my pain and suffering because I was expecting the worst. The only consolation was being invited for ifthar that day by a family friend of mine.

One thing I look forward to is an invitation for ifthar, lunch, dinner or any engagement that will end by serving food, and that too from the motherland. God, how I miss that food during this time of year. It has been 5 years since my last Ramadan at home, and not knowing when such a time will come again. I really miss my mum's beef porridge (referred back home as 'kanji') after ifthar due being accustomed to it over the years. There were also other treats like samosas, rolls, cutlets and much more. I can, however, have ifthar without it because that's what I've been doing ever since my university phase. However much food I find, it's nothing like home. Even though, there may be little food on the table all of it would taste divine. The feeling of sharing an ifthar with family, to me, is the best thing on earth.

I'm more into doing ifthar at home; mother is always making something 'special' for my brother and I. During the last few years I helped mum to prepare food the best I could. After all, I was a boy and we used to do only trivial chores as compared to the ladies who took on the lion's share. Call me old fashioned, but I don't intend on changing any of my preferences. Looking at ifthar from a cultural angle, many back home seldom patronise restaurants. To me comfort is of utmost importance, which in a restaurant I can't have. Plus, I prefer home cooked dishes for ifthar since that's the way my family's being doing it for ages.

I intend on allocating more points for possible future suitors who are skilled in culinary art (I'm planning to have a score sheet along with a few more essential qualities) ;). It means I will go only so far on the cooking track!!!

Now coming back to present....

As we started eating after azan, the food just seemed to glide down my throat. Thus far, it is the best ifthar I've had on foreign soil, no doubt about it. Samosas, pastries, rolls, fruits, sherbert drink; only thing missing may have been my actual family sitting around me. It was as if I went home to do ifthar!! I could only sum it up in one way- gastronomic. Looking back, I think there is so much I'm missing out, or have missed by now in the name of further education. I hope there will be a time for me to catch up?!?

As a fact, I know this all too well, and that is time waits for no one.

Hold your horses....... please!!

I can't for the life of me understand why people are already celebrating when fasting is hardly over?? I'm not the type to rain on anyone's parade, but what gives!! Just last week, I heard songs being played in many shops as if the big day will vanish all too suddenly minus the proper fanfare.

So, what's new?? I think everyone should start a random entry this way, just for fun. :)

With an idea of increasing my chances of securing a 'proper' job, I have applied for a professional course in IBF (Islamic Banking & Finance). Although, at first it was not my intention of entering this field, due to all the disputed industry practices clashing with theoretical norms, later I thought of seeing what it has to offer. The course also gives out scholarships, thank God, one of which I'm hoping will come my way.

In the home front things are looking pretty well because quite a few people are handing down a few stuff to fill up the empty place. We even got a stove from my family friend who encouraged us to start cooking. We are hoping to get down n' dirty, expect eventual screw-ups, not to mention adopt a trial-and-error philosophy in all culinary endeavours. I love the culture of hand-me-down's as long as whatever handed down is in good condition.

Some people have started advertising for ifthar as well. The following words "bukan berbuka biasa' are from a notice which I saw about a week ago. Looks like people are getting bored of the conventional style and are set to try something new. Seriously, bukan berbuka biasa?!!?

There is no feeling of being in the clouds this time as before. It was this time last year, beyond my better judgement, that I allowed myself to be drawn into a lady. Attempts were made to catch a chance encounter, or better yet have a live audience with her friends. Ahhhh.... those were the days!! I must be honest, the systematic planning along with dreaming of 'what if' situations were very interesting. As of currently, everything is more of a stalemate. It's not that now I wish it had worked out, but rather, the whole episode taught me an important lesson.

The lesson- thy time is not now, thus take a breather under the shaded tree of patience. Thou has obligations overdue, which ye must fulfill to the best of thy ability. There is a lot to be done, to be achieved, to be gained; now is the time.

Habitually, I'm a person who never thinks about how things could have been different because it's beyond human comprehension. Those intricacies are better left to God, and His infinite wisdom. Whatever transpires will be in my best interest, although it can be perceived differently as well.

Being the only bachelor in your workplace doesn't help either. Everyone wants to know if there is 'someone' in my life. I declared early on to everybody that there is no such 'someone', and put an end to speculation. Two of my friends -both having studied in the same place as me- went to the motherland to get hitched. All I can say is 'good luck!!' During their dating period the guy started to show improvements in his academic standing, which was quite stunning to all the guys; he was in the Dean's List ever since. Many of us gave credit to the girl thinking she had made an immense impact on the chap because it was the only variable.

Hmmm...... how about that folks!! Can a lady turns things about with her charm??

An empty stomach with an overflowing heart

I like this song for many reasons my heart cannot sum up in words. Plus, I have found a new singer whom I intend to follow in time to come. Honestly, I don't feel like listening to any other music these days. It's like suddenly I have no liking for the songs and singers whom I liked before. I'm on an all out nasheed downloading spree!!

I went to the uni mosque for Friday prayers, the one place that I love the most. I can remember the times my friends and I used to nap over there. It all happened when we first arrived in Malaysia long time ago, and it was a new thing for us. Back in the motherland no one is allowed to sleep in mosques- never. Listening to the sermon made me realise how stale things have become. A fiery sermon is what I want; one full of examples, practical approach, recollection etc. Instead of that, I see the Imam reading from a text, which he couldn't do properly either. Flow of the speech was very monotonous, it hardly had any high points. So, what's the point in delivering one, and that too in a place like the 'garden?' Another thing is sermons in Arabic, which only a certain portion of the congregation understand. Then your only choice is to wait until the Imam calls for prayer.

Fasting has made Muslims lazy as I found out today when in my faculty general office. I had to get some copies certified along with those of two other friends. When I asked the secretary to certify it for me she inquired the number of copies. I answered as 9 copies. She then told me to get it signed from any lecturer I know because apparently they certify things only on Wednesdays. What would happen to those who can't make it on a Wednesday?? Boo-hooo, tough luck chum. I ask you, how hard can it be to stamp 9 copies? Answer- hardly takes more than 10 min. I gave the copies to the office because all the lecturers I knew were out, then I had to pick them up at 2pm. The Muslim world is surely not going to prosper with such a work ethic. Ironically, the 'garden' is fostering an idealism that is contrary to the practice.

While waiting for the bus in Idaman this week I saw a vendor selling kuih. It was the kuih that is green on top and has rice at the bottom. To me, it tastes like a rice dish back home sans the green topping, and I have no clue what its called. Having said that, the kuih drew my attention many times because I kept on glancing at it from time to time. I wanted to buy some for ifthar. Then I purposefully thought of not buying it since I want to feel the despair in not enjoying something I like. I thought of people who don't have the means to buy food they like, but see it in front of them. How crushed would they feel? Not to mention the anguish of a person who is already in hunger. Many people have got the wrong idea about fasting, I think. Would u believe me if I tell you that people consume more in this month, than any other month of the year?? Believe it!!

I have made a solemn pledge regarding this holy month. That is to derive all of its goodness and comprehend what it's trying to teach or impart on man. My journey is to feel the suffering, the pain, the anguish which is not felt on any other day or month. Be closer to God as much as possible because I too have strayed knowingly and unknowingly. To cleanse, purify and reform my mind, body, heart and soul.

Insha Allah.........I hope God will show me the way.

10-3B

This weekend turned out to be very eventful for a lot of reasons. Firstly, my friends and I were gearing up to move into an apartment after 4 years of uni life. There was a pinch of liberation sprinkled into the air because from now on no more campus rules. The apartment, actually it's an office place we are going to convert into a house is quite alright. Honestly, we have water, sanitation, a roof and all other essential components needed to reside like human beings. Having said that, I know there are millions who don't even have what we do right now. Praise the Lord for His benevolence upon us.

On Sunday, the three of us (who have been roomies for the past 4 years) took on a challenge of immense proportion. Giving a thorough clean to the new place took every ounce of energy. At that time we realised that the floor is slanted after pouring water to clean it. God, why are people so careless and cheap?? It took a few hours to sweep the entire place, cleaning the floors along with the bathroom, not to mention mopping, and finally doing other small things like the windows etc. Our attempts to find a lorry turned futile it being the weekend and next day Merdeka. Still we kept on trying nonetheless. Finally, Monday night we managed to borrow a friends van and had to do a few trips to and fro, not to mention dodging the police check points en route. Seriously, none of us had a license!!

Do you want to know my opinion about moving? I absolutely without a nanosecond of thought hate it!! Like they say in the movies "I'm too old for this shit." Carrying all the accumulated belongings of three people for the past four years took a significant toll on everyone's muscles, back and other body parts; all of it were carried four stories. If you happen to say "ouch" after this, you have no idea about the strain caused. Furniture is non-existent, but the broker did fix a ceiling fan at no extra fee. God bless that Chinese man, and who said they're all about the money?!? Our one and only house asset for the time being. After doing the agreement I would be almost broke, and will be contemplating whether to request for zakat. LOL!!!

If shifting house leaves your finances so low, I can only imagine getting married. This is not to scare or discourage all those people thinking of marriage. Just so all of you know, I'm pro-marriage and think its a lovely thing. I plan on filling my coffers to the brim before getting hitched. Now, please don't scrutinize me.

Everything was done close to midnight, thus all of us (six people, three others who came to lend a hand) took a breather. The three boys had to stay over at our place because going back to uni would only land them with a compound note courtesy of incompetent uni security. We stayed up talking and laying down on our new mattresses, which we found out are of very poor quality. If you raise an eyebrow at this one I got two words for ya- budget constraints. At 3am all of us decided to walk to Idaman to eat, then comeback to pray and sleep. With all the minor aches received a few hours prior we managed to go and comeback in one piece.

The place needs a lot of work, but for now I'm happy that we have some place to stay.

I came across a news item of Muslims protesting against the construction of a kovil. A protest is alright in my book, but what annoyed me is when protesters were parading a cow's head; that to me is really not cool and going over the line. What happened to Muslims being tolerant and peaceful?? I say put all the inconsiderate buggers who did it behind bars. I have a minority mindset when it comes to such issues since my motherland is a Buddhist majority country.