I have not been able to fall asleep for the past few days. I stay up for about an hour or more before actually dozing off. During that time I do my favourite exercise- thinking. Sometimes I think whether I'm thinking too much. It can't get any weird than this folks. For the past few days I have thought of only one major issue. What I have gained and forgone in the past 4 years of my life?? It didn't take much time to figure out what I had gained- intellect. Really simple. Then I moved on to what I had forgone- everything else. Before starting my degree I was content with my mediocre academic life. I didn't mind at all because the skills I had were not at all academic oriented. They were more towards co-curricular activities, thus I thought of myself as being street smart. I could do any project, know how to manage people and find the finances necessary to make it happen. I knew which companies and organisations were more supportive of my school, and those that employed past student (or as we call them 'old boys'). Academics hardly played a hand in my climb through student life, which was not a bother to me. To be honest, I was below average in my academics and I knew all too well about my potential. I did the wise thing of sticking to my strengths. In the end, I was one of the popular chaps in my batch, not to mention my name written on the school walls. I don't mean to sound all egoistic, but I achieved more than anyone who had gained academic excellence; going to university was not part of the plan.
Due to parental pressure I applied to university, at the same time getting a scholarship. Then I realised that I would have to up the ante. Being below average was not going to get me anywhere. Expectations also had to be met because they were made very explicit before I left home for the first time. To top it all off, emak told me that I could do better than had done and she has faith in me. From there onwards it was textbooks, assignments, quizzes, mid term and finals lasting 4 years. I remember studying like a freak (in a literal manner) in my first semester because it was a new paradigm for me. How else would you have me feel?? But the downside of being immersed in academics is you begin to have this sense of paranoia where everything is about your final grade. If even a quiz doesn't turn out the way you expect it to, rest assured there will be a panic session. Come to think of it, for the first time in my life I put studies ahead of everything else- even myself!! I kept saying to myself all the while- 'dude, this is not you!!' I said that for 4 long years, but stuck to my duty. I had an obligation, an amanah that had to be fulfilled. I wanted to make sure that I do my best. Give everything I've got. I look back at my academic road and I feel content. Content in the sense that I've improved significantly from below average to above average. Last time I checked my departmental ranking it was quite good. I was so impressed with myself. This is the only aspect of my life that has had any positive enhancement, while the rest deteriorated like oxides eating into metal.
Now we come to the interesting part, the part where I focus on all that I lost, or is in the process of losing. Technology hardly helped when it came to being in touch with my mates back home. Most of them have gone their separate ways, but I'm in touch with a close circle of friends. Then, I hardly know my nieces and nephews from my mothers side; we never had a lot of time. It's very embarrassing to me because I should know my family, there is no excuse for not knowing. When I talk about my fathers' side its more depressing because I'm supposed to have about 80+ cousins from which I have met only a handful. I really espouse the values that family is a very important component in my life both immediate and extended. I feel like a visitor in my own country whenever I return home. Frankly, it scares me a bit to reverse my lifestyle to adapt according to an economy that is in tatters. I have adapted so much to the Malaysian way of life that shedding the layers would be difficult. Out of the 4 years, I have stayed at home for a period of less than 4 months. At first I thought, it was only me, but that was incorrect. It is a regular occurrence with overseas students and workers alike according to one of my lecturers.
Then I move on to my non-existent social life. I really miss all the functions and events that I went to with my friends. There were sporting events, dramas, social gatherings, parties etc. I really feel devastated when recalling the only 'real' party that I attended was 4 years ago. I know, the word 'sad' would not to justice to describe my feeling. My idea of a party is people, music, food and lights!! I have been to many parties and seen many things, but one should know your limits. That's all I'm sayin!! The last drama I saw was sadly not up to par and direction was very poor. The only scene that made an impact was when the accused wife started shedding tears in the middle of a court marshal; that woke me up from bad-theatre slumber. I should to a post on my thespian activities in time to come.
Having said all that, a question still begs my answer. Is everything that you've given up worth it? Honestly, I don't know the answer. I hope nerdy is the new sexy!! But who am I kidding....I'm no nerd and don't see myself that way. I did what I had to do, what I was expected to do, and that's all there is to it. I rose to meet the challenge set forth and saw it through until the end, no matter what.
Due to parental pressure I applied to university, at the same time getting a scholarship. Then I realised that I would have to up the ante. Being below average was not going to get me anywhere. Expectations also had to be met because they were made very explicit before I left home for the first time. To top it all off, emak told me that I could do better than had done and she has faith in me. From there onwards it was textbooks, assignments, quizzes, mid term and finals lasting 4 years. I remember studying like a freak (in a literal manner) in my first semester because it was a new paradigm for me. How else would you have me feel?? But the downside of being immersed in academics is you begin to have this sense of paranoia where everything is about your final grade. If even a quiz doesn't turn out the way you expect it to, rest assured there will be a panic session. Come to think of it, for the first time in my life I put studies ahead of everything else- even myself!! I kept saying to myself all the while- 'dude, this is not you!!' I said that for 4 long years, but stuck to my duty. I had an obligation, an amanah that had to be fulfilled. I wanted to make sure that I do my best. Give everything I've got. I look back at my academic road and I feel content. Content in the sense that I've improved significantly from below average to above average. Last time I checked my departmental ranking it was quite good. I was so impressed with myself. This is the only aspect of my life that has had any positive enhancement, while the rest deteriorated like oxides eating into metal.
Now we come to the interesting part, the part where I focus on all that I lost, or is in the process of losing. Technology hardly helped when it came to being in touch with my mates back home. Most of them have gone their separate ways, but I'm in touch with a close circle of friends. Then, I hardly know my nieces and nephews from my mothers side; we never had a lot of time. It's very embarrassing to me because I should know my family, there is no excuse for not knowing. When I talk about my fathers' side its more depressing because I'm supposed to have about 80+ cousins from which I have met only a handful. I really espouse the values that family is a very important component in my life both immediate and extended. I feel like a visitor in my own country whenever I return home. Frankly, it scares me a bit to reverse my lifestyle to adapt according to an economy that is in tatters. I have adapted so much to the Malaysian way of life that shedding the layers would be difficult. Out of the 4 years, I have stayed at home for a period of less than 4 months. At first I thought, it was only me, but that was incorrect. It is a regular occurrence with overseas students and workers alike according to one of my lecturers.
Then I move on to my non-existent social life. I really miss all the functions and events that I went to with my friends. There were sporting events, dramas, social gatherings, parties etc. I really feel devastated when recalling the only 'real' party that I attended was 4 years ago. I know, the word 'sad' would not to justice to describe my feeling. My idea of a party is people, music, food and lights!! I have been to many parties and seen many things, but one should know your limits. That's all I'm sayin!! The last drama I saw was sadly not up to par and direction was very poor. The only scene that made an impact was when the accused wife started shedding tears in the middle of a court marshal; that woke me up from bad-theatre slumber. I should to a post on my thespian activities in time to come.
Having said all that, a question still begs my answer. Is everything that you've given up worth it? Honestly, I don't know the answer. I hope nerdy is the new sexy!! But who am I kidding....I'm no nerd and don't see myself that way. I did what I had to do, what I was expected to do, and that's all there is to it. I rose to meet the challenge set forth and saw it through until the end, no matter what.
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