While chatting online to a recent acquaintance (I'll call her Ms. H) about Ms. X, I realised that I hadn't buried that chapter forever. So, this is going to be the end as far as my blog is concerned. I think that is a befitting end as any. I told Ms. H a few details but there was more; chatting on facebook is not an ideal way to carry out a conversation, if you know what I mean.
Eve of November 13 last year, I was getting ready to leave M'sia not knowing when I'd return. Circumstance were such that I didn't know if I ever would. There were no unfinished business except this- telling Ms. X that she was the one I liked. Debates raged inside of me if I should profess my affection, or hold my tongue and just leave. I let this question rage in my mind while carrying on with my packing, making sure not to leave anything behind. At the same time still-images of the times gone by kept flashing in my mind, it was like a film without a director. By midnight all had been done, all that was left was to get into a car and go to airport.
Then I decided- I'm going to say it, and come what may!!! Therefore, I most carefully typed out a sms and sent it to Ms. X in the wee hours of November 14. It read:
"Dear Ms. X, seeing you on Thursday was a vision. I had a pleasant time secretly wishing it not to end. If only time could be paused!! I have much to say but time was my enemy like always. A part of me feels hollow, dark and full of regret. The caverns of my heart are full of words but lack the outlets to let them out. If only things were different eh?!? God bless you always for a happy life. Feeamanillah and take care :)"
After that sms I felt my heart ease from a great burden. I also figured that she would be asleep and by the time she saw it I would be in Lanka. To my surprise she replied: "Salam Loner, you're talking funny!! If this is the effect of leaving Malaysia, I'm glad my country's made that kind of impact :) You have a safe flight and take care!!"
After reading this I had a feeling that she was mocking me. I mean, is it not obvious from my first sms that she understands that I like her? For a woman who got a first-class in law this was simply unacceptable; she even took 26 min to reply!! Having said that, it wasn't like I was expecting anything of a reply either. In the end, she having replied I was hardly satisfied with it.
Thus, I sent another reply:
"You're awake at this time!! Talking funny is not the effect of Malaysia rather your impact on me. Its rather complicated to explain through sms'. But I'm sure you're an intellectual woman who can piece it all together, or then again you can just choose to ignore it. I don't wish to change a thing!! Get some sleep X tomorrows another day."
Thereafter, no more sms' and I just went on my way. I, on purpose referred to her as X (the name used in my blog, which she used to read) so it may be clear as day. In the end, I think she got it!! And its just that she was not going to accept that a guy had told her of his feelings. Her friends, whom gave me wise counsel were right and I cherish their honesty for not filling me with false hope. Indeed, they knew my intentions as honourable and so they stood by me til the end. So, to Ms. Angel, Ms. Psychic, Ms. Hot and Ms. Model I say- thank you.
I think this entry should end with that song I kept playing many times over during those days. Let that song too be a part of my past too.
Eve of November 13 last year, I was getting ready to leave M'sia not knowing when I'd return. Circumstance were such that I didn't know if I ever would. There were no unfinished business except this- telling Ms. X that she was the one I liked. Debates raged inside of me if I should profess my affection, or hold my tongue and just leave. I let this question rage in my mind while carrying on with my packing, making sure not to leave anything behind. At the same time still-images of the times gone by kept flashing in my mind, it was like a film without a director. By midnight all had been done, all that was left was to get into a car and go to airport.
Then I decided- I'm going to say it, and come what may!!! Therefore, I most carefully typed out a sms and sent it to Ms. X in the wee hours of November 14. It read:
"Dear Ms. X, seeing you on Thursday was a vision. I had a pleasant time secretly wishing it not to end. If only time could be paused!! I have much to say but time was my enemy like always. A part of me feels hollow, dark and full of regret. The caverns of my heart are full of words but lack the outlets to let them out. If only things were different eh?!? God bless you always for a happy life. Feeamanillah and take care :)"
After that sms I felt my heart ease from a great burden. I also figured that she would be asleep and by the time she saw it I would be in Lanka. To my surprise she replied: "Salam Loner, you're talking funny!! If this is the effect of leaving Malaysia, I'm glad my country's made that kind of impact :) You have a safe flight and take care!!"
After reading this I had a feeling that she was mocking me. I mean, is it not obvious from my first sms that she understands that I like her? For a woman who got a first-class in law this was simply unacceptable; she even took 26 min to reply!! Having said that, it wasn't like I was expecting anything of a reply either. In the end, she having replied I was hardly satisfied with it.
Thus, I sent another reply:
"You're awake at this time!! Talking funny is not the effect of Malaysia rather your impact on me. Its rather complicated to explain through sms'. But I'm sure you're an intellectual woman who can piece it all together, or then again you can just choose to ignore it. I don't wish to change a thing!! Get some sleep X tomorrows another day."
Thereafter, no more sms' and I just went on my way. I, on purpose referred to her as X (the name used in my blog, which she used to read) so it may be clear as day. In the end, I think she got it!! And its just that she was not going to accept that a guy had told her of his feelings. Her friends, whom gave me wise counsel were right and I cherish their honesty for not filling me with false hope. Indeed, they knew my intentions as honourable and so they stood by me til the end. So, to Ms. Angel, Ms. Psychic, Ms. Hot and Ms. Model I say- thank you.
I think this entry should end with that song I kept playing many times over during those days. Let that song too be a part of my past too.
3 comments:
It was me.
I didn't know, and now I don't know what to say.
I don't wish to reopen this chapter, especially since I see I have caused a lot of harm, but I need to make sure you know that I wasn't mocking you. I honestly thought you were talking funny at that time. If I took 26 minutes to reply, you will find that I take an average of 2 days to reply text messages, I am terrible at this sort of thing. I never have my handphone with me, Aisya can bear testament to that.
So that was why you never consulted me on what you should do about Ms. X.
I'm sorry Ahmed, for anything I did wrong. And I never got that second text message, which was why there was no reply.
I usually run away from this sort of thing, but I would like to think I've grown a little wiser since our uni days, grown a little bit more mature than to ignore this and pretend I didn't read this.
I deeply apologise for my ignorance, I'm not very good at deciphering signals.
Regardless of everything, I hope our friendship remains, and that this knowledge doesn't change anything Insya Allah. :)
Dear X,
I was not expecting such a reply- ever!! Neither was I aware that you read my blog during your spare time. Now some people know my name :P
But don't apologise since I put no blame on you for anything at all. Because your demeanor made you act in such a way, although I wish it didn't. I'm also aware of your speedy replies via sms to which everyone has to adapt.
Well, at least I'm glad that you realised it even now. And yes, there is no dent in our friendship for sure.
Thank you for making 'Closure' in every essence a reality, and making me light as a feather. It feels very liberating!! :)
I confess, I haven't been here for quite some time. I decided to pop by after your birthday message, see what you were up to.
I'm glad for your release, Alhamdulillah.
Onwards we go. :)
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